


I was lost without you

by thegreatchengis



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst and Fluff and Smut, F/F, Gender Dysphoria, Girl Penis, Girl Penis Lexa, Masturbation, Oral Sex, Past Child Abuse, Penis In Vagina Sex, Trans Lexa
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-16
Updated: 2019-10-09
Packaged: 2019-10-11 05:53:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 51,960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17441171
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thegreatchengis/pseuds/thegreatchengis
Summary: Lexa Woods has faced every obstacle life can throw at her. Tackling homelessness at 17 and living life as a trans woman, she has managed to stand victorious above it all. But the journey to self-love still eludes her. When she meets Clarke that all stands to change. The question is will Lexa let her in or continue to fight her heart?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a trans Lexa story and so there will be mentions of dysphoria. I will put a warning in chapters that contain descriptions of it so you guys can skip the parts that might be too triggering. Secondly I'm drawing from some of my own experiences as a trans person but that doesn't mean all trans people have the same thoughts and issues. Dysphoria manifests differently in different people. That being said if you find anything offensive please leave a comment and I'll do my best to fix it. I'll try to update every week. Thanks for reading!

When an overenthusiastic Octavia dragged her out of bed for a girl’s day out, a sweaty packed gym was the last thing on her mind. In fact it wasn’t on her mind at all. That she, Clarke Griffin would be in a gym at 9am in the morning is so unfathomable that now that she is here, she doesn’t even know how to proceed. Does she sulk and leave Octavia in this purgatory? Or does she suck it up and attempt to figure out one of these…contraptions?

“C’mon Clarke let’s get on the treadmills. You were always good at running.” Clarke shoots Octavia a glare at that reminder.

“Yes but that was high school and our grades depended on it. If you haven’t noticed we’re at university.”

“C’mon it’ll be fun I promise.”

Clarke sighs, “O why are we here?” she narrows her eyes at her friend.

“What do you mean? We’re here to get in shape.”

Clarke doesn’t reply she only narrows her eyes further until she can barely make out anything in front of her and crosses her arms. Octavia is nervously shuffling around in her spot as the clock ticks. Only a few more seconds and she’s due to break so Clarke doubles her efforts. She lets out an audible huff and Octavia finally relents.

“Fine I saw this guy in here yesterday and I wanted a wing woman.”

Clarks cocks a brow. “You should have just told me from the start you loser.”

“I know I was working up to it. I was nervous. Bell’s not here to be an overprotective brother and it made me realize I have no idea how to do this.” Octavia brushes a stray lock of hair behind her ear. It’s a nervous tick of hers, Clarke has seen it a million times before. And she is also intimately aware of the circumstances Octavia grew up in. Keeping her safe and hidden from their abusive father was a job that usually befell Bellamy. But Clarke too would shoulder some of the responsibility. He had come close to approaching her far too many times to count.

“Alright I’m game. Which one is he?”

“He’s not here yet. I figured I’d actually work off some of my nervousness before he comes.”

“Good idea.” Clarke looks at the treadmill with a newfound fire. “Let’s fucking do this.”

                                                                                                …

“Linc you know I already have a gym membership at Jett’s, why are we here?” Lexa gets out of her cousin’s car with an annoyed huff. University gyms are the bane of her existence. It’s always packed and people spend more time trying to hit on the opposite sex than actually make use of the actual, usually shitty facilities. But judging by the nervous glint in Lincoln’s eyes she suspects they are here for exactly that reason.

“Alright what’s her name? And why are you doing this in the gym?”

Lincoln sighs at being caught so easily. Lexa always was too good at reading him. “I don’t know her name and I haven’t seen her anywhere else.”

Lexa groans as she takes in the lovesick look in his eyes and throws her hands in the air. “Fine. We’ll make this easy. Do some sparring I’ll even let you get a hit in,” she grins as he rolls his eyes, “you use your star moves and she won't know what hit her.”

When they finally enter Lincoln subtly signals to the pair of girls using the treadmills and Lexa feels the air leave her lungs. It seems like time has frozen up and Lexa scoffs at herself for being so cheesy but there really is no other way of describing the moment she sees this blonde. She wonders if sabotaging Lincoln’s chances would be unethical and mentally berates herself for thinking with the wrong head. Which speaking off is giving off the tell-tale signs of an impending arousal. It’s been two years on E and her appendage rarely gives her any unexpected surprises (and this isn’t the good kind) so Lexa legitimately considers sabotaging Lincoln because surely this must be fate right? But no Lexa is a good friend, a very good friend.

Oh god this woman has not dressed properly for the gym and she is very bouncy. Not going there. Not going the-

“I know.” Lincoln shoves her side a little harder than necessary. “What happened to subtlety? You’re drooling.”

“I was not drooling.” She still wipes her mouth and mutters a curse when she finds it dry. Lincoln laughs. “I didn’t know you liked blondes.”

“Blonde? No it’s the other girl.”

It’s almost embarrassing how giddy she feels at his words. She has a chance. A miniscule chance but it’s more than what it was before and she’ll take it. Dating as a lesbian is hard. Dating as a trans lesbian is like playing life in insanity mode.

Lincoln laughs a bit louder now and the brunette glances up at him. Lexa tears her eyes off the blonde to get a better look and now she definitely sees what Lincoln sees in her, still, she’s no whatever-the-blonde’s-name-is.

“My god you’re so gay. Sometimes I’m surprised you can even walk straight.”

“Yeah well you won't be able to walk straight after today. Let’s do this.”

“Lex you promised to help me first. Just remember that.”

                                                                                                …

Clarke and Lexa’s presence it seemed was not needed.

After a gruelling round of sparring, Lincoln and Octavia managed to strike up a conversation near the water fountain. And that was 10 minutes ago. They are still deeply engrossed in each other, having already forgotten the presence of their wing women, the very people they begged to come.

“Let me guess, he dragged you here because of O.” the blonde who seems more relieved than annoyed at this new development leans in close to Lexa and chuckles.

“O? And yes.”

“Short for Octavia. I’m Clarke by the way. Seems like we’ll be seeing a lot more of each other now.” She extends a hand and when Lexa shakes it.

“Lexa. And yes it seems that way. He’s never actually fallen this hard before. Your friend must be special.” Lexa wonders briefly if she is even talking about Lincoln and Octavia.

Clarke frowns. “She is.” She says quietly.

“Did I say something wrong? You don’t seem too happy.”

“No it’s just- nevermind. This is like waay too early for a conversation like that.”

“Clarke.” Lexa gestures to the pair with a shake of her head. “I can see them exchanging numbers so I don’t think whatevers on your mind is too early. Go ahead.”

“I just.” Clarke stops and sighs, shoulders drooping. “O’s never been in a relationship before. She’s never even been on a date so I just need to know if your friend is gonna just fuck her and leave her. Because you implied he’s never fallen this hard so that must mean there have been plenty of girls before. And oh god I really shouldn’t have brought this up. This is their first conversation for fuck’s sake.”

“No no. I understand your reasoning. Lincoln’s not the kind of guy to do that, you have nothing to worry about.”

Clarke nods, looking visibly relieved at Lexa’s words. “Thanks I’m sort of the mom figure, I can't help but fuss. That was a great showing by the way. You really kicked his ass.”

Lexa allows herself a cocky smirk. “I know. We might have shown off a bit for your friend.”

Clarke rolls her eyes. “Yeah no shit. Where did you learn to fight like that?”

“Here and there. Linc and I went to a couple of classes when we were younger.” Lexa shrugs.

“Impressive.” Clarke does a low whistle and Lexa feels the burn of her gaze travel over her body, lingering, she notes with a smirk, on her arms. It took her a while to shape them according to a size she was comfortable with. Yet still there are days where they seem too masculine and sends her into a dysphoric episode.

“Are you in uni here?”

“Yeah I'm doing criminology. But really I want to be a cop. What about you?”

“Biology. But I’m more into my art classes than bio.” Clarke smiles.

Lexa feels a little bold but before she can ask to see some of her work, they are interrupted by Lincoln and Octavia.

“Um. So hey Lex. Sorry about making you wait.” There’s a shit eating grin on his face that says he really is not sorry about making her wait. Truth be told Lexa doesn’t mind at all. Everything about Clarke seems like a breath of fresh air her lungs desperately crave. “This is Octavia.”

…

They don’t really see each other again after that gym encounter. Between Lexa working two jobs and university she barely has the time to breathe. It’s not easy financing your own transition. But every dollar she puts into her bottom surgery fund is a step forward and she can't complain. Late at night though, her single bed seems emptier than it really is. Sometimes she picks up the phone to call Lincoln and have Octavia set her up with Clarke but she chickens out after the first ring. Sometimes she fantasizes about going to a gay bar and having a one night stand. That idea gets shot down almost immediately.

She makes a pact to conquer the whole world after bottom surgery.

But on the nights where sleep comes too late she wonders if putting all her faith in bottom surgery fixing her life is too much. There’s an answer throbbing too loudly in the back of her mind telling her that she signing herself up for failure. But it can't be could it?

It eats her up too much and she begins to shut herself off from the world. It isn’t until Lincoln and Anya come bursting into her meagre apartment and physically drag her to a bar that Lexa finally allows herself to have some fun in the company of people she loves. At least until she is informed that Octavia and Clarke will be joining with another one of their friends.

So now Lexa finds herself in the bathroom, nervously fixing her hair. She spends too long staring at her reflection carefully scrutinizing every aspect, every pore until Anya’s annoyed cough brings her breaks her concentration.

“So all this for Clarke? Earlier today you didn’t even want to take a shower for us.” Anya grins a little too pointedly for Lexa’s liking.

Lexa rolls her eyes and fixes her eyeliner. “Sometimes I hate Linc. She’s pretty. That’s all.”

“So you just spent 10 minutes in the bathroom staring at yourself for no reason whatsoever?” Anya scoffs. “Yeah right cous.”

“Fine. Maybe it was for her. But not like it matters. She’s probably straight.”

“Bisexual actually. Lincoln’s girlfriend told him so.”

Lexa stops applying her eyeliner dead in the tracks and yelps when it gets a little too close to her eyeball for comfort.  

“Fuck.”

“Also she finds you pretty too. Apparently Octavia is a chatty drunk.” Anya laughs before leaving a dumbfounded Lexa in the bathroom.

Lexa turns to face her reflection once again. Only this time she is not scowling and picking at every detail. She’s honest to god smiling instead. She wants to feel this on top of the world forever.

…

Clarke is many things but she is not a liar. She is willing to admit Lexa left a large impression on her when they met that fateful day two months ago. She is also willing to admit that she was disappointed when they did not in fact see each other again even though Lincoln and Octavia were now dating. So when Octavia informed her they are going to a bar to meet Lincoln’s sister and Lexa she admits to herself that the resulting somersaults in her stomach was actually in fact because of Lexa.

Clarke spends too long getting ready and Octavia yells a ‘finally!’ when she emerges from her room. She glowers at her for a moment before asking for approval.

“If she doesn’t fuck you tonight, I will.” Octavia says to her.

“I love you but hard pass. It would feel too incestuous.”

“Ow my broken heart. Guess I’ll have to settle for Lincoln.”

“I’m sure you’ll manage. Where’s Rae?”

“She’ll meet us there at 7.”

She is not prepared for the sight awaiting her in the bar. Lexa is wearing jeans and a leather jacket. Her hair is set over one shoulder and her eyeliner is so dark it makes the green of her eyes stand out even more.

She is not prepared for the way she greets her. With a single nod and a silky smooth ‘Clarke.’ She clicks her tongue over the K and Clarke wants to hear that on a loop forever. Preferably shouting it in the throes of an orgasm.

Everything about Lexa is cool as ice and everything about herself feels underwhelming compared to the brunette. But she had spent too much effort preparing herself for this meeting so she’s not gonna go home without going big.

Raven’s presence gives her a much needed confidence boost and she lays out her famous Griffin charm.

She learns several things about Lexa. She used to play soccer in high school and was called the ‘Commander.’ She finds this embarrassing and her little ears go red every time the nickname is mentioned. Despite that she nervously picks at her beer label every time her cousins bring up a story from her past. She likes video games and works two jobs. She drinks stout almost exclusively and refers to them as black bastards.

(“Why bastard?”

“Cause they make you do things you regret.”)

Other than that she is surprisingly closed off. She doesn’t say much about herself and both Lincoln and Anya seem oddly protective of her. She wonders if she was this way with Octavia when they first met. Still though they are pitted with each at every possible instance, from the car ride back home to picking up the next round. Their friends are terrible at being subtle. The fact that they are trying to set them up is painfully obvious she suspects, to almost everyone at the bar by this point.

As the night wears on they make their way back to Lincoln’s place to continue their drinking without the judgemental stares of the bartender.

“We’ve been here since 6, Clarke.”

“I’m pretty sure the bartender doesn’t mind getting paid.”

“The money just goes to the corporate heads.”

“It’s a bar not a corporation Lexa.”

“My point still stands.”

Lexa drunk is really cute, Clarke decides. She thinks too long on everything and taps her finger on her chin. She sways from left to right when she walks.

“I’m too gay to walk straight.” She informs Clarke when she laughs at her efforts.

Clarke is a little too thankful for that fact.

They arrive back in Lincoln’s apartment and continue where they left off. With copious amounts of alcohol and a newly introduced deck of cards. The Woods clan takes the game of poker way too seriously while the rest of them manage to empty their pockets by the 4th round.

The Woods clan sits in a circle, eyes trained on each other and fingers gripping their cards so tight, they almost crumple in their hands.

“Jeez you guys look at each other any harder, lasers are gonna come out.” Raven says, noisily crunching away on some chips. Octavia and Clarke laugh while the others just stare harder.

“Watch and learn.” Anya says laying down her cards. Raven scoffs at the set of cards Anya has and that only deepens the blonde’s scowl. Lincoln wordlessly throws his pair on the ground, accepting defeat. Lexa on the other hands lays her down gracefully with a cocky smirk.

“You were saying dear cousin?” Her three of a kind beats Anya’s pair and high card and Lexa pumps her fist in the air in victory. “So many chips, I don’t even have any space to keep them.”

“Is she always this annoying?” Clarke jokes.

“Only when she’s trying to impress girls.” Anya quips, quickly darting her eyes from Raven.

Lexa pouts drunkenly and moves to shuffle the cards.

“Last round. Winner takes all?” Lexa asks her cousins who wordlessly nod, already too annoyed by Lexa’s winning antics.

The last round is nail bitingly close. Clarke, already too drunk leans in closer to Lexa and peeks at her cards.

“Wow.” She says and Lexa breaks her concentration to look at Clarke sternly. Lincoln and Anya’s ears perk up at the exchange and they eye Lexa suspiciously.

“Clarke!” she admonishes.

“I’ll be quiet.” Clarke shushes herself loudly.

When the next card is revealed Clarke can barely keep her thoughts to herself.

“You guys are so fucked.” Clarke giggles.

“Right there goes our chances of hooking you two up.” Raven interrupts and shakes her head at Clarke with a smile.

“Please you have nothing on Linc. Isn’t that right baby poo?” Octavia, who has made herself quite comfortable on Lincoln’s lap quips in.

The rest of the group cackle at the pet name, Raven almost falling off her seat on the couch.

Lincoln the ever wonderful boyfriend just slumps in defeat and murmurs a “yes babe.”

When the river is dealt however, Lincoln and Anya can't take it anymore. Between Lexa’s smirks and Clarke’s cheerleading, they accept defeat and fold simultaneously. Lexa lays down her high card of just a Jack and laughs a little too loudly at their faces.

“You fucking asshole!” Anya reaches over the cards and grips Lexa by the collar. “That was cheating! You made Clarke do that.”

“Actually I didn’t.” Lexa grins. “We’re just a good team.” She winks at Clarke who blushes red on the spot.

“Pah!” Anya lets go and angrily gulps down the rest of her whiskey. “Can't believe I just lost 50 bucks.”

“Well played, Lex.” Lincoln smiles at her. “If you bring me a new bottle of beer I’ll pitch in an extra 10 bucks for you.”

“Deal.” Lexa rises up and stretches. “Clarke you mind helping me?”

“Sure thing.”

Lexa grins widely at her when they reach the kitchen. Clarke returns the sentiment with a face splitting one of her own.

“So that was cool.” Lexa says.

“It was.” Clarke laughs. And Lexa, already addicted to the sound swoons. “Thanks for going along with me.”

“I gotta admit I was scared for a second there. But once I realized how could I not go along with it?” Lexa pauses and takes out a couple of new bottles from the fridge. She opens one and takes a giant swig before turning back to Clarke nervously. The words almost don’t leave her, further burrowing into her shell but she’s on a high from winning the poker game and her courage slowly returns with each sip of her beer.

“So I don’t want to assume.” Lexa starts, nervously picking at her beer label.

“Please assume away.”

“Our friends have been trying to set us up all night so I’m guessing you must on some level like me. Fuck I’m butchering this. I’m too drunk. What I mean is doyouwanttogoonadatewithme?”

“Easy there tiger.” Clarke laughs and puts her hand on Lexa’s forearm to ease her up. Only it makes her tense more and Clarke bites her lips at how rigid her muscles become. “Slow down.”

Lexa takes a deep breath.

“It’s my turn to assume. So I heard date and I’m guessing you just asked me out on one?”

Lexa nods slowly.

“When and where?”


	2. Chapter 2

Lexa is nervous. No she is _fucking_ nervous. The previous night was just a warm up. Today is D-day. Her date with Clarke. Her. And Clarke. On a date. Yes. Fuck.

She’s pacing her room, with clothes strewn about on every possible surface and a scowling, exasperated Anya in the corner.

“What if halfway through she realizes she doesn’t like me? I knew we shouldn’t have socialized when I was drunk. I get too chatty. I’m nothing like that. Anya? Anya? Anya what should I do? Please I-”

“Lexa I swear to god if you don’t stop this shit I’m gonna kill you.”

“Okay okay. It’s just I'm worried about well you know.” Lexa takes a seat on the edge of the bed and runs her fingers through her hair with a loud sigh. “What if she doesn’t want to date a trans woman?”

“Are you planning on telling her tonight?”

“God no. It’s just a date. But what if we go on more and get a little serious. It’s gonna come out sooner or later. What if by then I’m in too deep?”

Anya is silent for a moment, while she deliberates. “You’re scared of the Costia thing happening all over again?”

“I guess in some way that always works at the back of my mind. I really loved her.” Lexa says softly staring at her feet. She feels a dip in the bed beside her and Anya’s reassuring arm around her shoulders.

“I know. She loved you too. But Costia was straight and Clarke is bisexual. She’ll be more inclined to give it a chance.”

“Yeah but being bisexual doesn’t mean you’ll automatically be accepting of trans people.”

“Clarke seems like a good person. You got to get out there in the world cous. I don’t want to see you waste away alone forever.”

Lexa wants to blame the tears in her eyes as a spontaneous side reaction of E but they both know it’s not true. Lexa needs this. She needed to hear those words more than she realized.

Despite the pep talk it still takes her an hour to get ready. By the end of it Lexa swears Anya has already plotted her murder. But she can't bring herself to care. She hasn’t been on a date in a year and her last one was a blind date that went terribly swearing her off dating till now. She wants to blow Clarke away. Besides she relishes every opportunity to raid her makeup and wardrobe. It’s not a privilege she has often due to her busy schedule so every bit matters.

“You truly are a gay mess. Sometimes I forget.” Anya drawls.

“Please as if I didn’t notice how red you got every time Raven spoke to you.”

Anya flips her off and looks away not willing to dignify that quip with a response. Still Lexa can make out a faint blush on her cousin’s face at the mention of Raven. She grins and reminds herself to bring it up with Clarke.

When she picks up Clarke, her breath hitches in her throat upon seeing her. She’s not wearing anything too fancy, just a simple Sunday dress but even that is enough to short circuit Lexa’s brain. Her dress flows with every step she takes and Lexa is hooked on the sight of her long legs peering out from underneath. Her hair is flowing along her shoulders. Lexa doesn’t know how but she channels the last of her self-restraint and tears her eyes off Clarke.

“Wow you look amazing.” Lexa manages to say after a couple of stuttering attempts.

Clark just smirks and runs a finger over the collar of Lexa’s button up. “Thanks. You look even better.”

Lexa’s heart melts and she flusters. “Flatterer.”

“Not if it’s true.”

Lexa realizes halfway through dinner that Clarke is simply flirty by nature. She spends much of dinner with a low blush on her cheeks. It’s not an overbearing type of flirting. Its little comments here and there that make Lexa feel warm and appreciated. It slowly breaks down her walls. She feels wanted, desired and it’s not a feeling she has had before. When she dated Costia while presenting as male it was not as easy and warm as this. She wonders if dating as a lesbian is different or if Costia was just a little colder. Or if Clarke is just one of those people that oozes charisma and knows just what button to push to get people to relax.

“Hey.” Clarke says softly touching her hand briefly. “Where’d you go? You spaced out.”

“Nothing I just.” Lexa gulps and looks away. “I haven’t been on a date in a year and it feels different.”

“Different good or bad?” Clarke raises an eyebrow.

“Good. Definitely different good.”

The beaming glistening smile Clarke gives her is enough to melt away whatever defences Lexa still had on. She hasn’t been the cause of such a smile in years and now that she’s had it, she’s already addicted.

“I would have never guessed it’s been that long for you. This is the nicest date I’ve been on in ages.”

“Google and Anya helped. Like a lot. I printed out a list of first date ideas before Anya whacked me on the head and booked a dinner date.”

Clarke laughs. “So what was on your list?”

“Quirky manic pixie girl date ideas.” At the raise of Clarke’s brow, Lexa clarifies, “Anya’s words not mine. But I really wanted to go paintballing.”

“Shit I’d have loved that.”

“Next date then?”

Clarke grins and nods. “Next date for sure.”

Lexa wonders if fist pumping the air is on the list of acceptable date etiquette. They’re not even done with the main course and she’s already scored a second date.

The rest of the dinner goes along the same easy trajectory. Clarke doesn’t pry into her background and it isn’t until she asks the relatively simple question of why she wants to be a cop that the façade breaks. How can she answer it without spilling everything? She must suddenly look very solemn because Clarke quickly backtracks.

“I’m sorry. You don’t have to say anything you don’t want to.”

“Thank you. It’s just not a first date kind of story. But for the time being let’s just say if it weren’t for a cop I wouldn’t be here right now. And I want to be that kind of person for someone down the line.”

Clarke nods. “That’s a great attitude. Cops get a lot of shit and rightly so at times but at the end of the day they put themselves on the line to keep the rest of us safe.”

“Yeah that’s exactly it.” Lexa says quietly with a small smile. “May I ask why you want to do art instead of biology? Or is that a long story like mine?”

“Not so long I think. I just like it better but my mom is a hell bent on me being a doctor like her.”

“You shouldn’t let your parents define who you are Clarke. It’s your life not hers.”

It’s Clarke’s turn to look entirely too solemn, she shakes her head and says, “I wish it was easy to get her to understand. Ever since my dad died she’s changed as a person.”

Lexa reaches over and squeezes the shaking fist Clarke has made. “I’m sorry about your loss Clarke. If you need to talk about it I’m always happy to help. I know a thing or two about losing parents.”

“Thank you really. But it’s been a couple of years, I’m better now. You should have seen me about a year ago.”

They try their best to salvage some of the humour from earlier in the date but some of the heavy clouds still loom over their heads.

Lexa walks Clarke to her doorstep and holy fuck she is suddenly so nervous the nice meal is churning embarrassingly in her stomach. She hopes Clarke can't feel her nerves but judging by the smug grin on Clarke’s face, luck is not on her side. She decides to take matters into her own hands and leans in close. Lexa can feel the puff of hot air smelling of faint red wine from Clarke’s mouth. She can count the lashes of her eyes. Oh and her eyes, before she loses herself to the feel of Clarke’s lips she spends what seems like an eternity gazing into the blue oceans of Clarke’s eyes.

She understands in that moment why poets write about the endless expanses of their lover’s eyes. If they’re half as beautiful as Clarke’s then it’s a sentiment she can gladly appreciate.

“Lexa can I kiss you?”

Lexa didn’t think it was possible for Clarke to be shy about something and yet here she is; biting her lips, eyes fluttering to her own lips and a faint red creeping onto her cheeks. The sight makes Lexa feel powerful. Lexa doesn’t answer with words, instead she brushes her lips over Clarke’s. They press their lips together in a chaste kiss. As much as Lexa wants to ravage the blonde it is neither the time nor place. But when she feels the hesitant tongue begging for entrance into her own mouth she can't help but grant it entry. It’s going too fast but she can't help but ask and do more. It’s when she feels the tell-tale signs of her tuck coming undone as impossible as that sounds that she stops Clarke in her tracks.

“I should go.” She says against Clarke’s lips.

“Or…” Clarke plays with a lock of her hair and tugs gently, “you can come up for a nightcap. Octavia is at Lincoln’s tonight.”

Lexa can't stop her eyes from widening at the implication. She’s panicking. Hard.

“Hey Lexa.” Clarke stops her mind from spiralling out of control. Her voice isn’t husky and inviting anymore. Instead she sounds genuinely concerned. “I’m sorry for taking it too fast. I forgot it’s been a while for you. We can take this as slow as you like. I just really like you and this date was amazing.”

“No it’s alright. But you’re right. It uh it’s been a while and I’m not ready for nightcaps just yet.” She hopes Clarke can understand what she really means by nightcap because god she is not ready to even think about sex. Especially not now.

“I get it.” She leans up and places a kiss on her cheek. “Goodnight Lexa. Text me when you get home safely.”

No one she realizes has ever asked her to text when she gets home. It melts her all over again. This woman is making her fall. Harder than she’s ever fallen before. She just hopes Clarke agrees to catch her at the end of it.

…

There’s something intoxicating about Lexa, Clarke concludes as she takes her hand out of her underwear. Somehow they fall in together like perfect pieces of the puzzle. She can read Lexa like the back of her hand and vice versa. It feels like they’ve known each other for years. So she can tell Lexa is holding herself back, especially after tonight. She could see the want the lust in her green eyes just as clearly as she could see the hands holding her back from giving in.

_Lexa: Hey just reached home. I really had a wonderful time tonight._

The phone beeping catches her attention. She washes away the slick from her hands and picks it up. The smile lighting her face from Lexa’s name is instantaneous.

_Clarke: Hey. So did I. We’re still on for paintball on Saturday right?_

_Lexa: Yup. Should we invite some of the others so we can have a proper game? Or would you rather we play with strangers._

_Clarke: Let’s invite the others._

_Lexa: How bout burgers just the two of us first and paintball after. That way it can be an actual date._

_Clarke: You just read my mind Lexa Woods. How do you do that?_

_Lexa: I have mind reading powers didn’t you know?_

_Clarke: Now I’m not so amazed. Here I was thinking we have great chemistry._

_Lexa: Well that’s a given._

Clarke doesn’t remember falling asleep, but she does remember the back and forth conversation with Lexa until 1 in the morning. It feels like high school the way she craves Lexa. She wants to make out in the car until the mirrors fog up. She wants to leave marks on her skin for everyone to see. Fuck they’re not even in a relationship yet and she already wants to lay claim. She doesn’t want to scare away Lexa with how intense she’s feeling so she puts her phone on mute and takes a step back.

By the time lunch hour comes around her fingers are itching to fish out her phone and look at Lexa’s smiling display picture again. She goes over to her favourite fish and chip shop on campus when she hears a familiar voice calling her name.

“Clarke!” Lexa comes running over. Clarke watches the small bounce of her chest transfixed before diverting her attention away. So much for not scaring Lexa, acting aloof without a physical proximity is easy. Face to face however, nay face to Lexa’s beautifully sculpted face? That’s an order way too tall for her.

“Hey Lexa!” she returns the greeting with a small wave. “Lunch time?”

“Yes.” She says breathlessly before scrunching up her nose. “Though not from the smelly place.”

“Smelly place? You mean the chip shop?” Clarke laughs at the face Lexa makes. “I take it you’re not a fan.”

“Does it have to be near the student hub, Clarke? It stinks up my lunch.”

“Let me guess.” Clarke makes a show of thinking and shamelessly uses this opportunity to look Lexa up and down. Lexa sees through her excuse judging by that smug grin on her face. “You’re a Leo’s kind of gal.”

“I thought we had mind reading chemistry Clarke. No I’m a bring lunch from home kind of gal.” she taps her tiffin box. “Campus is too expensive.”

“Buuut on the lazy days?” Clarke wags her eyebrows. “You eat at Leo’s.”

“I’ve eaten out on campus exactly once and it was Leo’s so would that count?”

“Our relationship is riding on this so I’d say yes.”

By the time the word relationship is out of her mouth Lexa once again looks ready to bolt like last night. Clarke is inclined to join her this time. She is mortified.

“Right um. Do you wanna eat lunch together then? Since we’re both free it seems.”

“Sure you won't mind my chips stinking up your kale and quinoa?”

“It’s just pasta, I’m not a nut.” Lexa rolls her eyes with a playful twitch on the corners of her lips.

It’s nice, Clarke thinks, that they can enjoy each other’s company without bringing up the ‘relationship’ debacle of earlier. Lexa can tell it was a slip of the tongue and leaves it at that. Best of all Lexa seems more at ease. It’s like slipping back in time before Clarke blatantly asked her to come upstairs for sex. Lexa is like an exotic animal, easily frightened and bolts at the first sign of danger. But being in her presence is like being granted entry into the forbidden palace. 

“Come on, I’ll show you the secret place I always eat lunch.” Lexa tugs one of Clarke’s hands and leads her out of the building. She takes her beyond the campus cemetery and towards the woods. They come across a small clearing in the middle of the trees, complete with a park bench. And numerous cigarette butts.

“Okay well maybe it’s not as big a secret.” Lexa says when Clarke looks pointedly at the butts that litter the clearing.

“A secret from me at least.” Clarke smiles.

Lexa stands unmovable in her spot while Clarke explores the clearing; shy eyelashes fluttering at her, arms crossed while her fingers grip her biceps white knuckled. Sometimes when Lexa looks at her Clarke forgets to breathe. She looks at Clarke with an iridescent shine in her eyes, carefully deciphering every movement, awaiting her approval with bated breath.

“I love it. You’re gonna find me here every time you come down to catch your breath.” Lexa’s shoulders relax instantaneously.

“If I minded that I wouldn’t have brought you here Clarke.”

“Come sit here with me.”

They finish their lunch shoulder to shoulder, trading stories and occasionally bumping the other before a big bite of food. Lexa wins the little contest and they call it quits when one of Clarke’s chips fall to the ground and Lexa realizes she is too weak in the face of Clarke’s trembling lower lip.

“How’d you find this place anyway?” Clarke asks as she polishes off the last of her fish and stands up to stretch.

“I used to come here when I needed a cigarette.”

“You smoke?” Clarke scrunches her nose at the thought.

“Not anymore. Expensive habit.”

“Not to mention deadly.” Clarke snorts. “I’d rather you not die an early death. You’re an okay sort you know?”

The joke doesn’t land as lightly as Clarke hoped, instead Lexa looks away into the woods and mumbles, “I won't.”

Clarke doesn’t poke by now she has realized that whatever baggage Lexa has will take years to unravel and even then she fears she won't truly learn who Lexa is.

“Good.”

But Lexa is looking at her again with one of those quiet content smiles where only the corners of her lips twitch and the rest of her face remains stoic, save for the crinkle in her eye. And Clarke thinks maybe it’s okay to wait.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter I know. The next ones will be much bigger than this, I promise.


	3. Chapter 3

Lexa has never laughed so hard before. She’s halfway through their burger date and Clarke is retelling a story about one of her high school friends accidentally stealing her dad’s shoe while heavily under the influence of alcohol. Clarke pauses each time Lexa takes a sip of her drink lest the earlier disaster where Lexa spat some milkshake at the space beside her head occurs.

“What’s worse is that when he got back home, he didn’t even return the right shoes. He brought back one of his own loafers. My dad was so pissed. He had to go to work in his slippers. His slippers. Lexa.”

Lexa wipes a tear off her eye and launches into another series of giggles. “Is he alright in the head? That kind of stuff can be fixed with medication you know.”

“No.” Clarke laughs. “No that’s just the kind of guy Jasper is.”

Lexa nods. “We had a friend like that. He was always getting up to some shit. One time he pissed off a guy from another school for hitting on his girlfriend. He had a high school hit force running after him. As revenge he got us all to buy a box of condoms and blow them up with water. We laid them all up on his front lawn. That guy got an ass whooping from his parents when they woke up to that.”

Clarke laughs as Lexa tells the story and they fall into an easy banter again. Lexa finds it comforting how she never has to truly work to impress Clarke. Even in her nit-picking overly critical mind, she knows Clarke is equally invested in this date as she is. Their attraction to each other is evident in the hungry glances they both take to devour the other’s presence. Clarke is not shy about how much she appreciates Lexa’s chest or her arms. She’s constantly touching her forearm as she talks. When they walk somewhere she clings to her arms like it’s a lifeline. But it doesn’t feel like an encroachment of her highly valued personal space. It feels right somehow that they fit together like perfect pieces of a puzzle.

There was once a time when every touch another human being made upon her resulted in a visible recoil. Where she would panic about the hardness of her arms or the visibility of her hour old stubble or the curve of her Adam’s apple. Or they be able to tell the fake silicon prosthetic breasts she has instead of actual skin. But HRT has erased her paranoia, not completely, but enough that she can now hold Clarke tighter and pull instead of push out of instinct.

She walk into the paintball centre and finds their friends. When Clarke detaches from her side and jumps to meet Octavia and Raven, Lexa watches from the side lines and smiles a god honest one. Her life is good, she’s got E and the girl. Well she’s not completely hers yet but at least they’re on the right trajectory.

“God what is that thing your face is doing?” Anya’s disgusted voice breaks her contentment.

“It’s called smiling look it up.” Lexa bites back.

“What has Clarke done to my cousin?”

“What? What did Clarke do!?” Lincoln says in a stern voice as he joins in.

“Nothing nothing. Jesus guys relax.” Lexa smiles to calm him down. “You don’t always have to go on the offensive for me little bro.”

“We’re only a month apart you fucker.” Lincoln visibly relaxes but his protectiveness doesn’t go unnoticed by Lexa. It only makes the smile on her face grow bigger. Her cheer squad as Anya once dubbed them is the rock that steadies her. They complete the life that Lexa has set out for herself.

“Clarke,” Anya waves a threatening finger at the group huddled by themselves a couple of feet away. “Has turned our dear cousin into a sap that smiles by herself. This must end. Immediately.”

“Oh.” Lincoln starts to grin like a Cheshire cat. “Don’t listen to Anya, she’s just sore Raven is immune to her non-existent charm.”

“Hey! I get girls!”

“The brooding thing only works with Lex. People get legitimately scared of you when you do it.”

“Yeah Ahn. You’ve probably scared her off. We can help you know.”

“So this is what my life has become now? Getting love life advice from Lexa and Lincoln. Just cause you two have become saps doesn’t make you experts.”

…

They divide themselves equally, Lexa, Clarke and Raven as team red and the others as team blue. They put on some camouflage and wade their way through the woods setting up positions behind some trees and the shed with the red flag.

“So if Lexa is the Commander what does that make you Clarke?” Raven asks as they set up a lookout point inside the shed.

Clarke stops for a moment and taps her chin, deep in thought. “First mate?”

“We’re not pirates. We’re fucking killing machines. Oo!” Raven exclaims and grabs Clarke by the shoulders excitedly. “The Commander of Death! That should be your name!”

“Raven aren’t we too old for dorky nicknames?”

“Pah!” Raven slaps the air. “We’re never too old to strike fear into the hearts of our enemies!”

“I think you’re way too into this.”

Before Raven can reply, Lexa bursts into the room, eyes wide and panting.

“I think I see someone. Clarke on me! Raven stay here and guard our flag.”

“Aye aye Commander!” Raven salutes Lexa who nods once in affirmation. Clarke watches them and can't help the smile that tugs at her lips and thinks perhaps Raven isn’t the only dork on her team. But in this case it only endears Lexa to her even more.

She walks the perimeter, trailing a couple of feet behind Lexa at her behest.

(“Someone has to watch my back Clarke.”

“Watching your back I can happily do.” Clarke wags her eyebrows suggestively.

Lexa stutters and looks down abashedly. “I know it’s hard but do try to contain yourself.”)

Clarke spends more time actually watching Lexa’s ass than search the perimeter for team blue and she suddenly loves the paintballing idea even more than before. It’s a tight shapely kind and Clarke can just imagine it buck naked, muscles rippling with every step.

She’s drooling over the idea so much the bullet that whizzes by her head takes her by surprise. She yelps and accidentally hits her own trigger. The paint splatters off the ground, the remnants of it hits Lexa on the bottom of her cargo pants. Lexa herself spins around at the sudden noise. Before she can even attempt to help Clarke they come under heavy fire. Lexa grabs Clarke by her shirt and hauls her behind some trees. The cover is ineffectual in protecting two people but they squeeze their bodies together to make it work.

“Are you hit?” Lexa yells over the sound of bullets.

Clarke shakes her head in reply. “It was a close one though.”

“Okay good. I think it’s just one person. They’re making a ruckus to make it sound like there’s more. But I think it’s Anya and she’s a good shot.”

“Not good enough.” Clarke bares her teeth and Lexa grins at her.

“Let’s take her down.”

“I’ll try and get her attention, you take the shot.”

Lexa nods and steadies her aim. Clarke runs out of the cover and jumps from tree to tree hoping the never ending rain of pellets follow her there and soon enough it does. Clarke fires off a few rounds from behind a rock. It’s mostly aimless but it works in keeping Anya’s concentration on her. She glances at Lexa to find her still frozen in her spot, looking down her sights to find Anya. Finally Clarke sees a sliver of dirty blonde from behind a tree and that’s all it takes for Lexa as well. She creeps silently across the woods to get a better angle. Clarke hears the hail of bullets from Lexa’s gun and the assault on her abruptly stops.

“I’m gonna go check on Raven!” Clarke yells to Lexa.

“I’ll get their flag!”

Clarke has never run so fast in her life but the adrenaline from the game is coursing through her veins. She walks into their home ground to find a dejected Raven and no flag.

“Didn’t even see her coming.” Raven mutters at Clarke. “It was just Octavia!” she yells after Clarke who has taken to running for Lexa again. She stands no chance, outnumbered and outwitted.

She follows the distant shots of paintball pellets going off. Every hastening step she takes makes the throb in her veins beat louder. When she finally comes to the source of the gunfire, she finds Lexa pinned to her spot, spraying pellets every direction she can. But Octavia and Lincoln are nowhere to be found. Bullets are seemingly coming from everywhere and nowhere. She stays hidden, crouched behind a rock. Neither Lexa nor the plundering couple are privy to her position and she keeps it that way. She follows the sound of the paintball guns by crawling in the bushes.

Finally she comes across Octavia, moving slowly from bush to bush. Clarke raises her gun and aims down at Octavia. She lets loose a torrential rain of pellets and Octavia cries out a “mercy!”

“Nice one ‘Griff.” Octavia says gruffly, throwing the red flag in the mud. Clarke smirks and picks it up. She ties it like a bandana across her hair and shoots a couple of pellets in the air.

“I am become Commander of Death destroyer of worlds!” she yells, suddenly understanding why Lexa and Raven are so taken with the game and flies off towards Lexa, sparing a grin at her fallen friend. Octavia laughs and gives her a thumbs up.

Lincoln’s shooting has stopped and Clarke can only deduce that he is retreating back to his shed, preparing for a last stand. She finds Lexa crawling around in some bushes. She looks haggard, sweat glistening on every inch that’s not already covered in mud. The sight sends a pleasant throb between Clarke’s legs. Who knew Lexa hot and sweaty was her kink? (She knew. She knew the moment she laid eyes on her in the sparring match.) She extends her arm to Lexa but underestimates Lexa’s strength and is pulled down on top of her. Lexa looks panicked for a brief second before breaking into an earth shattering smile.

Lexa clears her throat and looks Clarke up and down.

“You uh, you look hot.” Lexa mumbles, between shades of red.

Clarke takes advantage of Lexa’s momentary incoherency and kisses her hard. Her tongue trails along Lexa’s bottom lip and is promptly granted entry. Lexa shifts her head to allow better access and a moan, neither knowing who it originated from, breaks the heavy silence that envelops them. “Funny, I was about to say the same thing.” Clarke smirks, reluctantly pulling herself away from Lexa.

Lexa points to her temple and taps it twice. “Mind reading powers.”

 Clarke giggles and hoists herself up, Lexa following closely behind. “Let’s go kick some ass Commander.”

“Aye aye Commander of Death.”

Clarke stops in her tracks and pales. “…you heard that?”

“You were kinda loud.” Lexa laughs and starts off towards the shed. “C’mon!”

They find the blue team’s shed hidden deep beneath the woods. The place is high atop a hill surrounded by mud and deep bushes. Lexa takes point and signals Clarke to explore some of the bushes for any trace of Lincoln. She aims down her sights and looks around. She catches sight of Lincoln’s head peering at them through a scope on the hill. Before Lexa can warn Clarke two pellets fly past and catch the blonde on her chest and leg. Lexa swears and heads for a proper cover. The damage is done and now it’s 1 on 1.

“Oh fuck you Lincoln!” Clarke yells and slumps to the ground, catching her breath. Lexa watches the sight, transfixed, hating these heavy helmets for blocking the view from what she wants most. Though she can't complain about the heave of Clarke’s chest, still bursting out from the overalls.

Lexa takes off for the shed, pulling the trigger and watching as the pellets fly past a running Lincoln. She goes on the offensive and soon enough, before Lincoln can hide behind some cover they hit him in the leg. With Lincoln down for the count, Lexa slowly saunters over and captures the blue flag. And the game is won.

…

Lexa drives Clarke back to her apartment and pulls up on the sidewalk. She turns to Clarke, still sweaty and grimy from the game but somehow radiant.

“I had a great time this evening.”

“Course you did. You were the last woman standing.”

“The Commander doesn’t mess around.”

Clarke laughs. “I knew you liked that nickname.”

“If you tell anyone I’ll deny it.”

“It’ll be our little secret then.”

A silence fills Lexa’s beat up sedan and Clarke suddenly hums. “Since this week was your date idea next week should be my turn no?”

Lexa nods slowly, a small smile lighting up her face. “I would like that.”

Clarke leans in across the gearbox and holds Lexa’s delicate face in her hands. She brushes her lips over Lexa’s teasingly, the main prize tantalizingly close before Lexa properly closes the distance, unable to wait any longer. They kiss languorously coaxing small sighs and moans from the other and committing them to memory for later use. Clarke changes her angle and shifts closer. It’s when her hip catches the gear that Lexa puts a gentle hand on her chest to stop her.

“I should go.” She says simply and the sound of the engine starting up is Clarke’s cue to leave, somewhat confused.

When Lexa returns home, she finds she can't contain herself any longer. This time when she unwinds and untucks she allows herself to get hard. It is surprisingly easy to do so. She doesn’t have to tug too hard all she does is tap into her day with Clarke and everything comes into play on its own accord. It’s not often that this happens to her anymore. Being on E has changed her body in ways she is still discovering from day to day. But the act itself leaves her with more pain than pleasure in some ways. Dysphoria is a fickle being that still hovers over her. All it takes is one errant thought or a good look at her lower body and it consumes her entirely.

She falls on the bed and grips her shaft, slowly stroking at first before increasing her pace. She closes her eyes and thinks of Clarke. The way the shitty green overalls clung to her perfect body. The sweat pouring in between her cleavage. It’s when she starts concocting scenarios that her breath hitches. She’s getting close, dangerously close. She grabs a tissue to capture her cum but nowadays her output is so low it almost doesn’t matter how much of a mess she makes. It can always be cleaned up with a couple of tissue papers.

She comes at the fantasy on Clarke on her knees sucking her and moans a hoarse “Clarke” before falling back on the bed, relaxed and close to drifting away. She allows herself a moment’s rest. She doesn’t feel guilty or shitty about what she has done. In fact it just feels right that she and Clarke are headed towards the direction of her fantasies. Slowly, at a snail’s pace, but still on the agenda.

Lexa sleeps like a baby that night, her dark passenger momentarily at bay, in its place a strange all-encompassing peace.

…

Clarke invites her over to her house for the next date. She spends the entirety of work staring at the clock and counting the hours. No amount of bad tempered customers or her prickly boss that take the joy she feels at seeing Clarke again. She feels like a teenager again, hiding in the bushes outside of Costia’s house and counting the minutes till the lights inside dim so she can climb up the back. It takes her back to the days of hushed whispers in school hallways and sneaking kisses under the bleachers before the game. She thought those days were over, lost along with everything else the day she came out. The childlike innocence of high school romance crushed under the weight of disapproving parents.

But Clarke has brought it back. She found one of the pieces of Lexa’s being long ago shattered and somehow glued it back together.

When the clock strikes six, she trips over herself trying to get the fuck out. She hastily stumbles out shouting a quick “see you tomorrow” to her boss and jogs the way home. She takes a shower and spends a while pondering over her dress choices. Its little moments like these that make her happy and quells the dysphoria. Her wardrobe took a while in the making. She spent the first couple of years in Anya and Lincoln’s home wearing borrowed clothes from Anya. It took 5 years, a hundred trial room runs and a sizeable portion of Indra’s income but she has amassed quite a collection. She can spend hours posing in the front of the mirror now, a sharp contrast from the days she could barely spare a glance at herself without hating herself.

Today she feels confident enough in her tucking game to wear a dress. It’s not often that she dares to try. Every time she puts on a dress some stray scenario of her tuck coming undone cripples her into wearing a boring pair of jeans that better restricts her lower regions. Today Lexa is invincible.

It’s when she’s walking up the stairs to Clarke’s place that she realizes this is the monumental third date and she turns pale as a sheet. The third date rule has haunted her for years now, scaring her off potential dates. Though it’s never set in stone but it always reminds her how unconventional her situation is. She rings the doorbell and shifts nervously in her spot, silently praying those thoughts away.

“Lexa hey!” Clarke opens the door dressed in yoga pants and a top. She looks cosily at home and Lexa feels slightly overdressed. “Wow. That dress looks amazing on you.” Clarke wolf whistles and looks her up and down without the barest hints of shame.

But the comment is all Lexa needs to crack a beaming smile. Clarke always knows what to say whether she’s aware of it or not.

“Thank you. You look amazing as well.” Lexa twirls slightly in her dress and invites herself in.

“Oh please. These are my casual cooking clothes. I don’t trust myself enough to cook in nice clothes.”

“Well then you look amazing even in casual cooking clothes.”

This is the first time she’s been in Clarke’s apartment. The walls are littered with paintings and the interior is a bit of a mess. But like Clarke herself it’s not overbearing, somehow every aspect of her home is completely at sync. Lexa stares at the paintings, some of them feel so intimate she feels like she’s intruding. They’re an amalgam of colours but every stroke of paint seems meticulously crafted. The one that catches her eye is one of a man on a hospital bed holding a woman’s hand. She doesn’t know how Clarke did it but it transports Lexa into the painting and she can feel the sombre cloud that looms overhead.

“It’s my parents.” Clarke says quietly when she notices where Lexa’s attention went.

“It’s a beautiful piece. I’m very sorry for your loss. What happened to him?”

“Rare form of brain cancer. He never stood a chance.” Clarke says bitterly. “C’mon I’ll show you the kitchen.” Clarke tugs on Lexa’s hand and she allows herself to be led inside. Clarke doesn’t want to dwell on the painting more and Lexa can understand not wanting to be back in that moment of her life.

“I must warn you,” Clarke leads her to the modest kitchen, the smell of spices wafting in the air, “I never properly follow the instructions. I sort of do my own thing. So if it’s bad I apologize beforehand.

“I find you being bad at anything hard to believe.”

“Damn you’re on fire today with the compliments. You’re not getting out of helping me with the cooking though.”

“I can't help myself around you.” Lexa grins. And even she is amazed at her smoothness. For someone who was contemplating bailing the date in the elevator she is utterly at ease around Clarke. It’s another one of the blonde’s many talents.

Lexa does her best at keeping up with Clarke but cooking is not her forte and she helps with chopping than cooking. She keeps Clarke company by detailing her many debacles in the kitchen and eventually they scare Clarke enough to delegate Lexa to standing and “looking pretty.”

Clarke cooks like a painter, is what Lexa thinks instantly. Tossing ingredients and spices haphazardly. She’s like a hurricane you can't take your eyes off in the kitchen and Lexa watches her, enamoured.

They finally sit down to eat the beef stir fry and fried rice and it tastes as good as it smells. Lexa lets out an orgasmic moan at the first bite and quickly blushes.

“Don’t stop on my account. Please continue.” Clarke grins.

“I’ve been starving all day.” Lexa says shyly but Clarke’s words elicits a sombre change within her. “So hey I know this is the third date and all but is it alright if we forego those rules for tonight?”

At Clarke’s blank look, Lexa clears her throat and clarifies, “You know, third dates means sex and all that.”

“Oh!” Clarke reaches across the table and takes Lexa’s hand in her own to give a quick squeeze. “I think the fact that I forgot about it tells you all you need to know. We’ll go at our own pace. Whatever you’re comfortable with. I know I was a little forward on our first date but really it’s okay.”

“Yeah I almost shit my pants that night.” Lexa laughs.

“Did you have a bad breakup before me?”

The question takes Lexa off guard. She has never found the right words for what happened with Costia. And she especially has no idea how to explain it without inadvertently coming out as trans in the process. She takes a long sip of her wine and ponders the answer. But Clarke is already backpedalling before she can come up with a suitable answer.

“I’m sorry you don’t need to answer if it’s too personal. Sometimes I get mouth diarrhoea.”

“No it’s just- let’s just say she wasn’t comfortable being with a woman.”

“So she was straight?”

“Yeah basically.”

“Straight girl experiments huh?” Clarke grimaces. “I’ve had my share of those too. Don’t worry about me Lexa. I’m bi as fuck and definitely very attracted to you.”

“I am too. Very attracted to you. And gay as fuck.”

They settle down on the couch with a content sigh, almost bursting at the seams with food. Clarke puts her head on Lexa’s shoulder and a hand over hers. It’s the most skin to skin contact they’ve had and every pore of her touched by Clarke burns from excitement. Lexa is glad Clarke took the initiative to touch her like this because Lexa could have never worked up the courage to do so. Despite the somewhat heavy kisses they have shared, Lexa still feels like she’s intruding into Clarke’s personal space.

“This is how I die.” Clarke groans and pats her stomach. “At least it’ll be in the arms of a pretty girl.”

“I’m always happy to serve.”

They turn on a movie on Netflix but they spend more time staring at each other and whispering silly things than paying attention. By the time the credits roll Lexa’s tongue is busy exploring the deep caverns of Clarke’s mouth and Clarke’s hand is wandering. She leaves light touches along Lexa’s arms and settles over her left breast, not squeezing, just resting. Lexa feels a surge of intense want rush through her. She suddenly wants to tear off Clarke’s clothes and ravish her. She scares herself with the lust that flows through her.

She runs light kisses along Clarke’s neck stopping to suck on her pulse point and soothe the resulting bruise with her tongue. Clarke squeezes her breast lightly and arousal begins to pool deep in her belly.

“Clarke.” Lexa stops Clarke’s wandering hand and leans back. The blue of her eyes have been eclipsed by black and her breathing is haggard. It only serves to heighten the arousal running through Lexa but she gathers the last of her strength and puts a stop before her appendage make any unwelcome visits. “We should ah stop.”

“Right right.” Clarke’s eyes dart to her chest and back up again.

“I should call it a night. It’s getting late.”

Clarke nods, the faraway look still glinting in her eyes. Lexa leans down to capture her kiss swollen lips yet again.

“One more for the road.” She murmurs against them.

“You can have as many as you want.” Clarke grins.

“Don’t tempt me Clarke.”

The wake of Clarke’s destruction across her body looks at her square in the face once she gets home and once again she can't help but play along. When she comes again, this time to a vivid fantasy of thrusting into her, Lexa accepts that the time to come out is fast approaching. Instead of fear she feels the time is just right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact Clarke's story of Jasper stealing her dad's shoe actually happened to me. I stole my friend's dads shoe and returned the wrong one the next day. I have no explanation for my actions I am just a hopeless mess sometimes.
> 
> Anyway thank you for all the love so far, your comments have made my day. I'm sorry if I messed up with any paintball rules. I've only played twice and it was over two years ago. We're inching closer to Lexa coming out and the inevitable sexy times. Nervous about that.


	4. Chapter 4

The taste of Lexa’s mouth last a night too long on Clarke’s lips. She brushes her teeth so hard her gums bleed but the sickly sweet still overwhelms her. She goes to bed thinking of Lexa, she even masturbates a couple of times thinking it would do the trick but in the mornings she still wakes thinking of Lexa. It’s not just her taste that haunts Clarke, it’s the way she always leaves. Every time Clarke dares to touch a little suggestively, Lexa falls over her feet trying to escape. It leaves Clarke feeling unwanted and undesirable. But then Lexa always seems to enjoy their kisses and their dates. Lexa is a bag of mixed signals and it’s starting to grate on Clarke.

When they text, they act like their last point of contact wasn’t Lexa running away from her touch like Clarke was a leper. It’s all pleasant conversations and suggestive texts. On the surface Clarke might be fine with going at Lexa’s pace but her growing attraction is making this an unsurmountable task.

She finds Lexa in her secret spot on campus a couple of days later, silently sifting through a book and smoking a cigarette. Lexa is clad in a hoodie and jeans and oh fuck she’s wearing glasses. If Clarke wasn’t already in a perpetual state of wetness due to Lexa there would have been a fresh gush at that sight. At least now she has fresh fuel for her nightly masturbation sessions.

“I thought you quit.” Clarke chastises.

“I get cravings sometimes.” Lexa adjusts her glasses and closes the book. She looks Clarke up and down. “Hi.”

“Hi.” Clarke sits next to the bench and scrunches her nose. “I thought about giving you a kiss hello but you smell.”

Lexa stubs the cigarette on the ground and sniffs herself. “It’s not that bad.”

Clarke leans up to kiss Lexa. When they break away Clarke too sniffs the collar of her jacket. “It is. But it’s worth it.” She pauses to play with the zipper of Lexa’s jacket. “So what were you doing? Except suffocate your lungs to death?”

Lexa chuckles. “I was reading for my next class. Someone has been keeping me up all night with their texts.” Lexa looks pointedly at Clarke and Clarke gives her the courtesy of looking slightly guilty. “Don’t worry. It’s the best kind of distraction.”

“I was coming here to study for my next class too.” Clarke takes out a heavy book from her back and pats it good naturedly.

“Do you think we have it in us to study quietly together?”

“There’s only one way to find out.”

They sit on the bench, back to back with their books open in front. Clarke stares at the words in her book but they don’t manage to register in her head. All she can think of is the faint sandalwood and vanilla tinged with smoke that emanates from Lexa. It floods her brain and Clarke’s mouth is suddenly too dry. She gulps loudly but the feeling intensifies each time until all she can think about is being enveloped by the silky smooth of Lexa’s plump lips.

“Clarke.” Lexa clicks the K and Clarke gulps one more time.

It’s entirely possible that Lexa has no idea what even the most miniscule actions on her part does to Clarke and that scares Clarke more. She feels like she’s falling head first deep into a never-ending pit. It’s not even lust at this point. At this point Clarke is astutely aware that she is falling for Lexa. God help her but she doesn’t want to claw her way out. Clarke realizes she is perfectly content with falling for all of eternity.

“Clarke. I should go. My class will start in 10 minutes and it’s a long walk back.”

“Right.” Clarke turns and kisses the edge of Lexa’s lips. “Have a good class.”

“You too.” Lexa doesn’t seem satisfied with the goodbye kiss because she jumps back in for a fiery one. “I can't seem to get enough of you.” Lexa murmurs against her lips.

They both still at the confession and Lexa quickly ducks her head. She stumbles on her feet and hastily packs her books into her bag. The words Clarke so desperately wants to stay remain lodged in her throat. It’s when Lexa waves goodbye and walks off that they finally travel their way upwards.

“Neither can I.” Clarke whispers to the trees but it’s too late. The words hang in the air, unheard.

She collapses against the bench and gets her phone out to text her group chat with Octavia and Raven. 

_Clarke: Emergency meeting time at the hub._

_Raven: I’m stuck at the library, come there._

_Octavia: Can I bring Lincoln?_

_Clarke: No. Strictly us. It’s about Lexa._

_Raven: Why didn’t you say that in the first place. I’ll be there in 20._

_Octavia: Ugh fine. Be there soon._

By the time Clarke has settled in the farthest corners of the student hub with a cup of black coffee she spies Raven and Octavia making their way over to her. She steadies herself with what little strength she has left and greets them with a smile.

She enjoys their company and is in desperate need of some advice. This restlessness boiling in her blood is starting to affect her everyday life.

“So. Lexa.” Raven grins at her, straddling her seat and resting a coffee mug on the table.

“Hi Clarke how are you Clarke. Nice to see you again after almost 5 days.” Clarke mimics Raven playfully.

“I was gonna get to that eventually.” Raven flips her off.

“Please I see you creaming your pants at getting the next big gossip.” Octavia interrupts.

“Well since you and Lincoln have become boring already, I need to live through Clarke. Now hurry I ditched my lab partner for this.”

“I think I’m falling for Lexa.” She announces to the table and buries her face in her hands.

“Duh.” Two joint voices call out simultaneously.

“Girl we knew this since we went paintballing.” Raven rolls her eyes, exasperated. She flicks some coffee foam at Clarke, who promptly shuts her down with a glare.

“Yeah you two weren’t subtle with the heart eyes.” Octavia gives her a disgusted look at the memory.

“But she still wants to take it slow. Meanwhile I’m dying every time I see her.”

 “Clarke did you bring us here to tell us you’re horny?” Octavia narrows her eyes at Clarke.

“That and that I’m falling for her. But since you two already know that why don’t you give me some advice.” Clarke wrings her hands. “This is starting to adversely affect me.”

“Talk to her.”

“Masturbate.”

Clarke glares at Raven who only shrugs in response.

“None of that is helpful, thanks guys.” Clarke falls back in her seat with a pout.

“Look. You told us yourself Lexa wants to take it slow and she’s not used to this. Unfortunately I see no other choice than going at her pace if you wanna stay with her that is. But that doesn’t mean you don’t have a say in this relationship. If she takes too long, you should cut your losses and move on.” Raven says, polishing off the rest of her coffee.

“Sometimes I feel like she doesn’t really like me. If we make out for too long and I get handsy she literally just runs away. It makes me feel unwanted.”

“I still think you should talk to Lexa.” Octavia says before Raven can butt in. “It sounds like there’s some baggage on her end. And it needs to be resolved before you can move forward.”

“Damn O. Since when did you get so mature?”

“Lincoln has been a terrible influence on you.” Raven says darkly.

Clarke decides to simmer on this feeling instead of talking it out.

…

Lexa spends too long going over the words she last left Clarke with. She replays the memory each time she thinks of the blonde, which turns out to be every couple of minutes. By now one thing is for certain, she is falling for Clarke and the time to come out to her is fast approaching. Only this is a terrifying thought.

And so the next few dates go on a downwards trajectory, following the same routine of sorts. They get to know each other and tell silly stories. They have dinner and maybe another activity afterwards. They kiss on Clarke’s porch or in the car. It’s usually the lighter sort, with a healthy amount of tongue. Lexa always stops the night from progressing and Clarke bites back how it makes her feel. It’s enough some days for Lexa. Other times it makes her burn from the inside out. But she can't stop doing it, no matter how much she tries. She thinks of how the shine of Clarke’s blue eyes could be snatched from her at a moment’s notice. She hates to think of how the small touches Clarke bestows upon her could be taken away just by coming out. She doesn’t want to think so lowly of Clarke but she’s had more promising people spit at her feet for telling them her deepest secret. She’s selfish, she wants to keep what parts of Clarke she already has for herself. At least for a while.

On their sixth date however, Lexa can see some of Clarke’s tension seeping into their conversation. Clarke is quiet and snippy. She doesn’t laugh at Lexa’s dry jokes just manages a pained smile in its place. She doesn’t do those light fleeting touches on her arm when she tells a story, her hands remain tightly gripped on her wine glass instead.

Clarke invites her upstairs and Lexa graciously accepts hoping to get some answers from the blonde. And perhaps make out for a bit. Being on E has dipped her sex drive but Clarke has seen to its return. Perhaps not at the same intensity but one thing is for sure; she craves Clarke’s touch the same as her company.

“So I’ve started to stock stout in the fridge thanks to you.” Clarke takes out two bottle and closes it with her hip.

“I’ve converted you it seems.” Lexa grins from her place on the couch and takes her bottle. “Cheers.” She clinks her beer with Clarke and takes a long swig. “Are you okay? You’ve been a bit quiet today. I thought you were gonna call it a night.”

“I was thinking of it. But I guess I wanted to spend some more time with you.” Clarke sits down next to Lexa on the couch, resting her head on one hand as she faces Lexa.

Lexa grins wide and nods, reaching over to play with a lock of blonde hair. “I’m glad you decided to.”

Despite that Clarke still seems aloof, it isn’t until Lexa’s tongue slithers into Clarke’s mouth that she feels some of the knots in her shoulder untangle. But the moment Lexa halts all movement by putting a gentle hand on Clarke’s chest, all hell seems to break.

“Do you not like me?” Clarke blurts out.

“What!? Of course I do.” Lexa is almost offended at this accusation. The thought of how strongly she feels not being translated over makes her sick to the stomach.

“Are you asexual? Cause I’d understand if you are. What I don’t understand is this.” She gestures at the space between them. “You keep pushing me away.”

 “No God no.” Lexa shakes her head.

Somehow Clarke’s words don’t really come as a shock to Lexa. One positive trait she has honed in the 7 years since coming out is her perception. It was a trait borne out of a necessity to survive. She has learned to read what facial tics people have when they doubt her assertion of being cis. She can read a crowd better than most especially when it relates to her. And she knows how best to kill these doubts and when to let go.

So it comes as no surprise that Clarke is feeling left out in the cold by her actions. She could read the hurt in her eyes every time she was rejected. Could read the confusion and resulting anger. Lexa knows how to soothe this hurt and take away the pain. But her fight or flight instincts borne out of simply being trans is starting to kick in.

Clarke is looking at her with seemingly the weight of the world upon her shoulders and Lexa wants to take it that burden away from her. So she gulps loudly and turns solemnly.

She’s been out since 17 and she’s had to come out numerous times since, still pain of the first time never subsides. She feels young again, being screamed and kicked at by her parents. Just a young girl trying on makeup and miscalculating when her parents had to be home. But Clarke isn’t her parents, nor the others who have let her down. Clarke is above them all and she only realizes this now.

“I need to tell you something. I should have told you a while ago but I was too scared to.” Lexa looks away but Clarke’s warm hand sliding into her own brings her back.

“You can tell me anything. I won't judge.” Clarke’s voice is low and earnest and it does its job in easing Lexa.

“You might think twice once I tell you.” Lexa darkly chuckles but stops abruptly when Clarke’s serious expression reminds her of the weight of the situation. “Right I’m just gonna say it, I’m trans. I’m a trans woman. I grew up male but I’ve been out for almost 6 years and on hormones for 2.”

She looks up into Clarke’s eyes as the blonde slowly takes in the information. Her eyebrows shoot up, confused before dropping down and she lets out a soft “oh” in understanding.

“That’s why I was kind of weird about physical interactions, I didn’t want you getting any surprises. Not until I was ready to tell you.”

“I understand why you took so long. Thank you for telling me. This doesn’t change how I feel about you or anything about us.” Clarke takes Lexa’s hand and squeezes gently.

The tears come out without meaning to. She has never had someone so readily accept her for who she is. That too someone she is romantically involved with. Clarke pats her back gently and offers a tissue. Lexa dabs away the last remaining tears and turns to face her girl. She’s set out to complete a mission and she’s not leaving it half done.

“So you’re okay with me still having a-” Lexa stops and breathes in deeply, “a penis. I’m saving up for surgery but it’s still a couple of years out.”

“I’m okay with everything about you, even your penis. I guess since we’re getting out our feelings in the open I should tell you that I really like you.”

“Really?” Lexa widens her eyes in childlike awe. “I like you a lot too. That’s why I told you I’m trans. I’m tired of running.”

“You mean you’re gonna stop running every time I try to feel you up?” Clarke grins and Lexa looks away blushing furiously.

“Maybe.” The corners of Lexa’s lips twitch and a playful mirth dances in her eyes. “I’d like to keep you on your toes.”

“I’ve been on my toes for a month and a half now. They’re starting to hurt.”

“Clarke I know I just came out to you and all but I’m not ready yet to have sex. I have a lot of conflicting feelings about it.”

“Hey I was just kidding. That’s fine. We’ll take things slow and deal with sex when we’re both ready for it. In the meantime I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable. Tell me if I take things too far when we’re making out. Don’t run, communicate and we can deal with it together.”

Lexa nods. “No one has ever been so chill about this. Thank you for being so understanding.”

“You don’t have to thank me for being a decent person, Lexa.”

“I do actually. You have no idea how hard people like you are to come by.” Lexa takes a few sips of her beer and leans forward gathering her hands together. “My parents they- they found me trying on my mom’s makeup one night. Things got out of hand and I ended up coming out. They, especially my mom didn’t take that so well. They kicked me out of the house. You asked me why I wanted to be a cop? Well my uncle Gustus, Anya and Lincoln’s father was on duty in the area that night. Neighbours complained about noise and he showed up. They were beating me up and throwing things at me. Gus stopped them and when they told Gus what I am, he just said ‘so what that doesn’t give you the right to kick out your own kid.’ But they wanted me out and frankly I wanted to leave as well. So Gus helped me pack up my stuff and helped me move into his house. Indra and him were better parents to me than those two ever were.”

Lexa stared on at the bottle of beer on the table with fierce unblinking eyes, willing herself not to burst into tears at the memory. In years since she has grown a thick skin but the hurt of that fateful night has yet to completely fade away.

What she doesn’t expect are two arms embracing her. Clarke burrows her face into Lexa’s neck and inhales sharply. When she feels the tell-tale signs of wetness pouring and damping her shirt she too allows herself to cry once again. It’s been a night of blood, sweat and tears. But the end result is slowly becoming worth the pain.

“I’m so sorry that happened to you Lexa. Your parents never deserved someone as kind, hard working and beautiful as you.”

“The way I see it now, Gus and Indra are my real parents.”

“They are. And Anya and Lincoln are your siblings.”

“I have a younger brother, Aden. He was just 5 when I left home. I haven’t seen him since. My parents don’t really interact with Indra and Gustus anymore. Even though we are blood relatives.”

“No awkward family reunions for you.” Clarke jokes.

“I guess now you know why Anya and Lincoln are so protective of me.”

“I’m anticipating a talk from them in the coming days.”

“Poor baby.” Lexa coos with a teary smile, wrangling herself out of Clarke’s tight hug and placing a kiss on her lips. “I’ll tell them to go easy on you.”

“I don’t think Anya is capable of going easy.”

“Lincoln is. He’s a glorified teddy bear.”

“Does he know you see him like this?”

“No.” Lexa laughs. “Don’t tell him I said that.” She pauses. “And I know I shouldn’t say this because I trust you but lets keep this between us. I prefer having as few people knowing about me as possible. Maybe one day I’ll tell Octavia and Raven.”

“Of course Lex. Don’t worry about it. And you’ll tell me if I ever cross a line with anything, right? You won't keep it bottled up inside?”

“I promise.” Lexa nods.

“Now,” Clarke rises from the couch and dusts off her jeans. “I believe we’ve earned ourselves a Netflix break. A comedy?”

“Comedy sounds good. I’ll be right back from the bathroom.”

Lexa feels like a newborn calf, the way she’s wobbling to the bathroom with shaky legs. When she shuts the door, she collapses to the ground with her face in her hands. The talk had sapped more energy from her than she realized. Even the mad beat of her heart hasn’t subsided yet. She can feel it drumming in her ears still. But it’s not fear she feels as she slowly gets up to wash her face. It’s a newfound hope.

She grins at her own reflection in the mirror, high off the slowly dawning realization that she’s come out to Clarke and how readily she has been accepted. She had expect tears and flying cutleries aimed for her head. Instead she’s gotten sympathetic tears, hugs and pure acceptance.

…

Clarke doesn’t really watch the movie she’s picked out. She’s too focused on the even breaths Lexa is taking. In. Out. In. Out. She’s too busy counting how many it’s been. She’s counting her lashes. Watching the way the corners of her eyes crinkle in smooth lines every time something funny happens. She watches the way Lexa drinks her beer in big gulps and how it runs down the smooth skin of her neck.

In. Out. In. Out.

There’s too much in Clarke’s mind and the movie is the last thing that could be on it. Not when she has this work of art in front of her. Her fingers ache to run across a canvas and paint Lexa. She doesn’t think she can capture the enigma that is Lexa so easily. Some days she seems like a hardened warrior, eyes heavy with the pain she’s seen and endured. Surviving in her everyday life with her commanding presence simply because she has no choice. Thrust into the real world at such a young age and having to fend for herself. Other times the light of her green eyes shines through with a youthful energy, be it when they’re making dumb puns while waiting for their food or when Clarke flirts unashamedly.

In. Out. In. Out.

She thinks she understands Lexa more, now that she’s had some idea of her background. She understands why Lexa is always running. She understands why she keeps so much of her past hidden and kept under lock and key. She understands the hurt in her calm deep green eyes now. And she thinks she’s never respected and liked Lexa more than in this moment.

In. Out. In. Out.

The words flutter in her mind before finally settling on her tongue. She started the night vaguely irritated at Lexa and now she’s ending it like this:

“Will you be my girlfriend?”

The air becomes still, so quiet all Clarke can hear is the beat of her heart and Lexa’s even breaths.

In. Out. In. Out.

Lexa turns, a smile gracing her lips and her hand reaching forward to pull Clarke towards by the scruff of her neck. The kiss is hungry, Lexa lavishes as much attention as she can into it. She punctuates it with the smallest of nips on her lower lip. She rests her forehead with Clarke’s.

“Yes.” She whispers.

Lexa grins at Clarke who returns the sentiment tenfold with a lopsided one of her own.

“I have a girlfriend.” Clarke giggles. “Who is mine. My girlfriend.” Clarke tests the way the words feel on her tongue. Girlfriend and Lexa. All hers. The thought makes her a giddy mush on the inside.

“I think you’ve had enough.” Lexa grabs Clarke’s bottle of beer from the table and finishes the rest of it.

“No fair. I’m very sober. I’m just happy you said yes.”

“I’m happy you asked. I was about to very soon.” Lexa kisses the top of Clarke’s forehead.

“Please you would have ran away at least twice before getting the guts to.”

Lexa pouts and Clarke promptly kisses it off her face, as endearing as it is.

“Do you want to stay the night? No sex just cuddling.”

“Yeah. Yeah I’d love that.”

The movie ends sometime but they pay it no mind. Clarke is too busy cradling Lexa’s lap and kissing away every groan that follows.

“Let’s go to your bed.” Lexa says. “I need to untuck, things are getting ah-uncomfortable.”

“Okay.” Clarke has the last kiss and follows Lexa to her bedroom with a kiss happy stupid smile on her face. “I have a pair of shorts that’ll fit you.” She says.

When Lexa settles in next to her, Clarke’s insides feel at peace for the first time in a long time. It doesn’t take long for her to drift away, she just watches the rise and fall of Lexa’s chest.

In. Out. In. Out.

And she’s out like a light.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!


	5. Chapter 5

Lexa awakes to a curious problem. One she hasn’t had in a while. One that always strived to wreck the rest of her waking day. Today though, her morning wood doesn’t bother her as much as usual. Not when she has a beautiful blonde clinging to her side, leg draped just over the tent in her pants. It’s then that she realizes just how startling Clarke’s beauty is. This fact although well known by her at this point, is even more jarring in the morning light. Her blonde hair is splayed over the pillow and every so often she lets out a peaceful low snore. She has never had the opportunity to ogle Clarke like this and she makes the most of it. Finally she manoeuvres herself out of Clarke’s iron grip, careful not to wake her.

She spends a while sitting on the toilet wishing away her erection, praying to god this doesn’t become an everyday thing again. It’s been a long time since she’s had sex, she also realizes. And this morning the thought of engaging in penetrative sex with Clarke doesn’t bother her as much as usual. In fact she’s looking forward to the day that becomes a reality.

“Mornin.” Clarke’s bleary voice greets her as she leaves the bathroom.

“Morning beautiful.”

“Mm. Cheesy.” Clarke complains but the smile on her face gives her away.

Lexa slumps down next to Clarke and presses a kiss to her forehead. “I have work soon.”

“It’s a Saturday for gods sake. Why do they do this to you?”

“It’s not so bad. The rush isn’t nearly as bad in the mornings.”

“Yeah but you have to stay there till 9.”

“Better than cleaning up puke at 11.”

“Do you wanna come over after?”

“You’re really pushing this girlfriend thing aren’t you?” Lexa kisses Clarke, morning breath be damned.

“Maybe.” Clarke grins and stretches, exposing her midriff with shameless abandon.

“I’ll see, if I’m too tired I’ll just crash at mine.”

“You can do the same here with the added bonus of me.” Clarke gestures to her body and Lexa can't help but rake it in.

“You drive a hard bargain.” Lexa tucks herself in after Clarke and smiles.

It’s different when you’re in a relationship as opposed to just dating. Clarke is freer with her displays of affection and it gives Lexa the confidence to do the same. Lexa sits up on the bed, resting against the headboard and Clarke puts her head on Lexa’s lap. She massages her scalp, playing with her soft hair while she’s at it, enjoying the occasional purrs that leaves Clarke’s mouth. They spend the morning in each other’s arms before Lexa has to inevitably leave for work.

…

In their monthly family dinner, the questions are relentless. Indra has prepared Lexa’s favourite, spaghetti and meatballs but she can't enjoy the meal, what with Anya and Lincoln tattling on what Lexa’s been upto to their parents.

“Lexa has a girlfriend.”

“She spent the night at her girlfriends.”

“You should be expecting grandkids soon.”

“Lexa and Clarke sitting in a tree-”

It’s the dumb nursery rhyme that breaks the camel’s back.

“You never did this with Lincoln! Anya is just jealous of me and Clarke because Raven is immune to your charms!” Lexa blurts out.

 “Children.” Indra’s weary voice silences the three of them. “No fighting at the dinner table.”

“Fine.”

“She started it.” Lexa starts but Indra’s fierce glares shuts her up again. “Fine, if she behaves.”

“Fine.”

“Now who is this Raven?” Gustus grins at Anya who looks away from his piercing gaze.

Lincoln and Lexa breaks into laughter and begins their retelling of Raven’s interactions with Anya.

“She’s just sore Raven doesn’t fall for her flirting.”

“If you can call it that.” Lincoln snorts. “She gives her the trademark Anya glare.”

“Anya maybe you should ask Lexa and Lincoln for some dating advice.” Indra grins at her daughter who looks mortified at the suggestion. “I dare say they’ve far better at this than you.”

“Pure luck.” Anya grumbles.

“I think your mom is on to something here Anya. Your glaring works on bullies but it’s terribly ineffective on pretty girls.”

“If I say yes do you guys promise to never bring it up again?”

“Maybe.”

“No.”

“Lexa I swear to god!”

“Fine, fine.” Lexa waves her hand and relents.

“Then fine. Next time we meet you can put in a good word for me.”

“No no we’ll have to teach you how to flirt it’s the only way.” Lincoln laughs at the absurdity of his own idea.

“I would pay to see that.” Gustus grins.

“When can we see this Clarke and Octavia?” Indra asks.

“Shouldn’t you meet Octavia first? I only just started dating Clarke, mom.” Lexa answers, eyes nervously fluttering all around the table.

“I think we should meet them both together. Have dinner, maybe some games. You can invite Raven if you want Anya.”

“Hard pass.” Anya grumbles, sinking further into her chair. Dinner was not going how she liked.

Before Lexa can vehemently protest against a meeting with the parents, Lincoln chimes in happily.

“That sounds doable. Octavia will be happy to. And I’m sure Clarke would love to as well, right?” Lincoln elbows Lexa and she has no choice but to agree. She has no doubts that Clarke would relish the opportunity to charm the ever loving shit out of her parents.

When the dishes have been washed, the family resigns to the living room, sprawling out on the couch and getting updated on what’s been going on with each other. Gustus takes Lexa aside and places a fatherly hand on her shoulder.

“I’m glad you found Clarke. You look happy.”

“Thanks Gustus. I am. And I really like her.”

Lexa not one to enjoy the attention of overly affectionate people has found two exceptions to that steadfast rule: Gustus and now, Clarke.

Gustus hugs her tight and pats the top of her head with a happy smile. Titus her biological father was never one for affectionate displays and she suspects he is the reason she is so averse to it. But there’s something so jolly about Gustus she can't help but be enamoured with it.

“Titus called the other day.”

Lexa cocks an eyebrow she hopes is nonchalant but the name still strikes a chord of melancholy deep within. Nia her mother does not inspire the same emotion but Titus still means something to her.

“Oh? That’s new. What did he want?”

“He asked about you. Says Aden has been asking about you.”

“Did you tell him I’m on hormones?”

“I did. He seemed kind of accepting of it.”

“Too little too late.” Lexa bitterly replies. “What did Aden ask about?”

“Where you are. How you’re doing. He’s old enough to know things aren’t right.”

“And?”

“I said you made your bed now you lie in it.”

Lexa doesn’t say anything, she just seeks out Gustus’ arms once again and hugs tighter than ever.

“He missed out on amazing woman, Lexa.”

…

The night they become whole starts out like any other. Dinner at Clarke’s, this time Lexa lending more than a hand and a movie they don’t watch.

“At this rate why even have a Netflix account?” Lexa mumbles in between kisses. Clarke is straddling her lap as usual, subtly grinding every so often either by instinct or a growing want, Lexa isn’t sure. She doesn’t tuck when she comes over to Clarke’s, feeling increasingly comfortable around her.

So it comes as no surprise to either when something hard pokes Clarke.

But Clarke, bless her heart, stops kissing when it shows up and instead asks. “Should we stop?”

Her voice is raspy like the burn of whiskey going down your throat. She can't help it, they’re both extremely aroused. Lexa has in recent times taken to masturbating after dates. Her attraction to Clarke increasing, if that’s even possible, every time they hang out. Today she feels ready enough to slyly grin and say:

“I don’t want to. Unless you do?”

“God no.” Clarke grins back.

“Then let’s see where it goes.”

Clarke takes the admission as a sign of consent and returns to kissing Lexa and grinding, this time with more fervour than before. 

She dots kisses along Lexa’s jawline leaving her burning in its wake. Every inch of skin Lexa has offered is given Clarke’s undying attention.

“Can I take this off?” Clarke’s hands stop on the edge of her top and Lexa nods in affirmation. Inwardly she’s shivering at the new direction the night is going. It’s not that she wants to stop but the last time she’s ever went this far was with Costia and that was years ago and she had a very different body then. But she trusts Clarke and hopes allowing her to take her top off clues Clarke in on how monumental this is for her.

Clarke fumbles on her bra for a moment before Lexa herself reaches behind and unclasps it. The bra falls to the ground with a thud and Lexa feels her face burning. She feels shy, exposed and the urge to cover herself up has never been stronger.

But Clarke looks at her now bare top half reverentially, in awe of the newly exposed milky skin. Warm hands cup her breasts and Lexa shivers. Somewhat hesitant hands tweaks her nipple and Lexa breathes in harshly.

“You’re beautiful.” Clarke pants above her.

“So are you.” Lexa murmurs edging her hands towards Clarke’s thin t shirt. “Can I take off yours?”

Clarke answers by pulling it off over herself leaving her in just her black lace bra. She watches as Lexa’s eyes zero in on her breasts and her hands inching closer to them instinctively. Lexa reaches behind with her long arms and deftly pops it open. This time her comically wide eyes almost bulge out and she lets out a soft groan.

“God these kill me.” Lexa whispers as her hands explore Clarke’s breasts, lightly squeezing and tweaking her nipples. “I almost died at paintball when you started running.”

Clarke laughs, low and rumbling. “I know. You’re not as subtle as you think when it comes to these babies.”

Lexa leans forward to capture a nipple into her mouth and Clarke moans from above, throwing her head back and feeling the pleasure from Lexa’s ministrations shooting up her spine. Lexa let’s go with a loud pop and lavishes her attention on the other breast.

Lexa’s mouth has Clarke’s needs swimming wilder than before. She needs Lexa under, above, around anywhere doing more of these sinfully heavenly things.

“Bedroom?” Clarke asks, breathless and husky.

Lexa nods and in one swift motion, Clarke finds herself lifted by Lexa’s strong arms. She wraps her legs around Lexa’s waist and allows herself to be carried. Lexa kicks the door open with her foot and gracefully lays down Clarke on the bed, chest heaving not from the exertion but from the sexual tension that has finally been mutually unleashed.

Lexa settles herself on top of Clarke and rains light kisses down her chest suckling hickeys wherever possible. Her head swims with lust and she feels the sudden desire to mark and take every ounce of Clarke that has been offered. Her attention has Clarke arching off the bed and moaning lowly.

“Stop teasing.” Clarke groans from below and Lexa grins.

“I’ll take care of you.” Lexa slowly tugs off Clarke’s yoga pants and her drenched underwear.

Lexa takes a moment to herself to commit this scene to memory. Clarke, sweating out of sheer need, chest heaving from Lexa’s teasing and her blue eyes, now black; wild and almost begging to be put out of her pent up misery. Lexa has Clarke in the palm of her hand and all she wants to do is build a fort and never let go. Damn work and university, she never wants to leave this bed.

Finally, Clarke whimpers and Lexa gets to work.

“Do you want my fingers or mouth?”

“Anything. God just touch me.”

Lexa chuckles and runs a curious finger through her wet folds eliciting a harsh gasp from Clarke. She plunges a finger inside, adding a second when Clarke’s breathing settles down. She coaxes small gasps and sighs with her hand before finally settling her mouth on Clarke’s swollen, throbbing clit. She swirls her tongue on the bud. The first thing she thinks as she tastes Clarke is that she can do this forever. It tastes perfect, heady, strong and just _Clarke._  

It doesn’t take long before Clarke finally flies off the edge she’s been tethering on since Lexa first took off her shirt. It feels like one high after another and Clarke feels all coherent thought leave her body with the weight of the pleasure. She moans, sinfully pornographic, one last time, tendons in her neck taut and collapses on the bed.

Lexa climbs back up her body and presses a kiss to Clarke’s forehead. Her erection is bordering on painful at this point and she desperately needs some form of relief but Clarke is still catching her breath. When she shifts uncomfortably, Clarke meets her eye and smiles, kissing the edge of her mouth and sliding down her body.

“Clarke you-you don’t have to.” Lexa gulps, betraying her body one last time but Clarke isn’t having it. In fact she almost looks mad at Lexa for even suggesting such an inconceivable idea.

“I want to. I would love to.” She says firmly hoping knows better than to ever suggest such a thing again. “Unless you don’t want me to.”

“I do. It’s just ah it’s been a while.”

“That’s fine.” Clarke says softly and finally Lexa relents, offering a shaky smile. “What do you want? I don’t want to make you dysphoric.”

“Your mouth is fine. I don’t feel like I’m ready for penetration.”

“Okay whatever you prefer.” Clarke smiles gently and Lexa is grateful for having such a considerate girlfriend.

Clarke unbuckles Lexa’s belt and pulls down her jeans leaving her in just her straining boyshorts. She traces the outline of her erect cock through the fabric, before finally pulling it down.

The first touch has Lexa reeling, it melts away the last of her doubts and fears. Clarke has wrapped her hand around her and its already better than when she does the same.

Clarke gives an exploratory pump, smearing some of the pre along Lexa’s shaft. She leans down dotting kisses along Lexa’s thigh before finally licking the broad tip. The act makes Lexa whimper. A sweet sound that puts Clarke into overdrive. She wants to hear that sound again until Lexa can no longer form anything coherent.

When Clarke’s mouth properly envelops her, Lexa has to fight the urge to grab Clarke’s head and keep it there. She would normally be fine with the slow pace Clarke is setting with her mouth but the build-up is approaching too fast and she needs to come. She fists the covers next to her hoping to keep the urge at bay. But Clarke notices it and guides her hand to her head on her own accord.

“I’m gonna come Clarke.”

Clarke pauses bobbing her head and smiles at her. “Don’t hold back.” She goes back to sucking her, cheeks hollowing as she takes in more of Lexa.

The image of Clarke going down on her, a popular feature in her fantasies is almost too much for Lexa. Nothing can compare to her warm wet mouth. It feels like warm silk the way she is taking in Lexa’s length. It feels so good Lexa doesn’t want to come just yet, she wants to preserve this moment, this feeling; capture it and experience it all over again. But when she hits the back of Clarke’s throat aided by her insistent hand it’s all too much. She careens off the edge and the orgasm hits her like a tidal wave. Clarke helps her rides out the last of the aftershocks and she finally takes her hand off the back of Clarke’s head and settles with a content sigh.

Clarke gives her softening length a last kiss and makes her way next to Lexa, sated and happy.

“Fuck…” Lexa grins. She kisses Clarke as she comes down from the high, tasting herself. “That was incredible.”

Clarke trails a finger down Lexa’s bare body, in between her breasts, coated with sweat and beams back at her.

“Well worth the wait.” She says. “I’m glad you liked it.”

“Liked? I loved it.”

“You didn’t come as much.”

“I don’t come as much after I got on E. One of the side effects.”

“Less clean up then.” Clarke shrugs and Lexa laughs, her voice still slightly hoarse from earlier.

“Is it alright if we don’t do penetration for a while? I just have a lot of conflicting feelings about it.”

“Sure. Like I said Lex we’ll go at your pace.” Clarke pauses tracing patterns on Lexa’s breast. “If it helps we can skip it all together and I can penetrate you.”

“I don’t want to skip we will get to it soon but I do like your idea.”

“We can do it all then.” Clarke chuckles.

“Yes.” Lexa grins and covers Clarke with her body, kissing fervently along her neck. “We can do it all.”

…

Clarke wakes to a pleasant soreness between her legs and a warm leg draped over her. Everything that occurred the night before hits her and she can't help the smile that lights her face. Lexa’s fingers are magic she concludes. It’s been a while since she’s been so thoroughly sated by a lover and a wave of affection flows through her. Everything about Lexa drives her mad with desire, even when she’s drooling on a pillow.

She’s busy making breakfast when Lexa exits her bedroom wearing one of Clarke’s t shirts and her pyjamas. The smell of pancakes is wafting through the air and Lexa makes a show of sniffing what she’s prepared and grins happily.

“The smell woke me up.”

Lexa helps her set the table and they both sit to eat. Lexa groans at the first taste and it takes her back to last night as a Pavlovian response. She looks away, blushing but Lexa has noticed her reaction and she smirks at Clarke.

“You alright there?”

“Yup. Just fine.”

“So you don’t mind if I do this?” Lexa takes another bite and this time she unleashes a near pornographic moan, making Clarke blush more furiously than ever.

“You don’t play fair.”

“All’s fair in love and war baby.”

“I like that.”

“What? When I call you baby?”

“Yeah. It feels nice.”

“Well baby.” Lexa punctuates each letter and puts down her fork. “I wanted to ask you something. It’s okay to say too soon.”

“Go on.”

“Indra and Gustus invited you over for dinner. Octavia and Raven included.”

“Sure. I wouldn’t mind that at all. Wait Raven too?”

“For Anya.” Lexa chuckles.

“Ah so I wasn’t the only one who picked up on that.”

“I’ve never seen Anya blush until I saw her with Raven.”

Clarke laughs. “And I’ve never heard Raven giggle.”

“They should really hook up already. Even you asked me out before they did anything.”

“I thoroughly resent that, Clarke. Guess you were just too beautiful to let go.”

“Lexa Woods are you trying to get into my pants.”

“Too late.” Lexa smirks and Clarke rolls her eyes with a fond smile. “So you’re really okay with dinner with my folks?”

“Of course. I want to meet these amazing people. They were there for you when no one was.” Clarke grasps Lexa’s syrup sticky hand to squeeze affectionately.

“Alright.” Lexa flashes a lopsided grin. “Indra can be a bit intimidating but Gus is like a bigger teddy bear than Linc. Stick with impressing him and you’ll be in the good books.”

“Please.” Clarke scoffs. “The famous Griffin charm works on everyone.”

“No sexual innuendos around Indra please.” Lexa makes a show of annoyance, rubbing her temples but she laughs anyway when she sees the pout on Clarke’s face.

“So what are the chances I can convince you to skip work and spend the day in bed?” Clarke asks once they’re done with breakfast. She’s washing the dishes and Lexa is drying them up and putting them back in place.

“Very little. What are the incentives for staying?” she questions coyly with a half smile.

“Your favourite lunch, a Tarantino flick.” Clarke watches the growing smile on Lexa’s face with a quiet fascination before finally adding, “And me, completely naked.”

“You drive a very hard bargain.” Lexa makes a show of thinking but Clarke can tell by the way her fingers are twitching for her cell phone that the battle has been won.

“I owe you two more orgasms for last night.” She wiggles her eyebrows suggestively and Lexa can't take it anymore. She starts dialling on her cell phone as soon as the words leave her mouth and walks away to feign sickness once her boss picks up.

They spend much of the day christening each room in her apartment with their carnal activities, spending it in a sweaty daze of pleasure.

Clarke comes to two realizations: watching Lexa come is mesmerizing. She breaks down in layers, her usual stoic mask breaking when her mouth first touches her beating member. The more she takes in the harder she grips the sheets. When she swallows around Lexa, she starts her moaning. Low like a grumble but it builds up until the mask finally breaks. It’s when Lexa starts whimpering that Clarke starts to drip herself. The sound is too wonderful. And that it is Clarke who has rendered the typically stony faced Lexa into this whimpering mess gives a monumental push to her ego each time she hears it.

Her second revelation, closely tied to the first is that she’s no longer falling for Lexa. Rather it’s in the past tense. She has fallen for Lexa and the big L word is hot on her heels. She loves rather than likes every little thing that makes Lexa _Lexa._ She loves that half smile she does every time Clarke makes a suggestive joke. She loves that the tips of her tiny ears go red every time she is complimented. She loves that Lexa is scarily punctual on their dates. She loves that Lexa leaves coffee simmering for her if she has to leave for work before Clarke wakes up. And she loves the way she enunciates every letter in her name like it’s a holy word.

Fuck it. She’s in love. They’ve been dating for two months and she’s in too deep already.

“You’re thinking too loud.” Lexa whips around on the bed as the post sex haze finally clears. She’s still delightfully naked with just a thin blanket covering her torso.

Clarke gulps and kisses Lexa’s collarbone in lieu of an answer hoping it is sufficient enough that she doesn’t prod. Lexa chuckles from above.

“I don’t think I can go again.”

“God I don’t think I can either.” Clarke leans back and plops down on the pillow. “I can't feel my legs. Stop smirking.” Clarke can make out the cocky grin on Lexa’s face without even looking at her.

They fall into a pleasant silence, both of them too tired to have more sex but not tired enough to stop trailing mazes on each other’s skins. A loud grumble from Clarke’s stomach ruins the moment and Lexa cackles at the sound.

“I’ll order us a pizza.” She gets out of the bed in search for her cell phone and Clarke watches the ripple of her lean muscles, mesmerized.

She looks to her ceiling and mumbles, “I’m so fucked.”

…

Lexa enjoys that every time she and Clarke meet she learns something new about her girlfriend. She’s deathly afraid of butterflies. She has yet to learn how to swim. She is an expert in sewing old clothes. And today she learns, Clarke is frightfully competitive.

Its ping pong night at their favourite bar and their group is all there. Each of them have entered in the competition hoping to win the 100 dollar bar tab.

It’s then that she learns to her horror, as Clarke smashes the ball at her poor opponent with an intense ferocity, that Clarke is a nightmare in competitive games.

Raven laughs hard at Lexa’s gaping expression and pats her on the back.

“Having second thoughts?”

“That was an old man.” Lexa dumbly says.

“Easy prey.” Raven is still laughing much to Lexa’s chagrin.

Clarke wins the game easily and she joins Lexa with a beaming smile as if she hadn’t just injured an old man’s shoulder with the intensity of her smash.

“Hey babe.” She rubs some of the sweat off her temple and leans up for a peck. “We’re so winning this.”

“Not that I’m not amazed by your skills but where did you learn to play like that?”

“We used to play in high school, did Clarke forget to mention?” Octavia and Lincoln joins the group each carrying two jugs of ale in their hands.

“It uh must have slipped my mind.” Clarke says looking at Lexa who blushes remembering just what they were busy with before coming over to the bar.

“What was that?” Octavia asks coming between them, eyeing them suspiciously.

“What was what?” Clarke says nonchalantly. Lexa has already slipped on her usual stoic mask effectively washing her hands off this embarrassing conversation.

“Oh my god. You guys have been fucking haven’t you?” Octavia claps her hands together.

“Who’s been fucking?” Raven quickly butts in, having tuned out the game she was so intently watching, the minute the word ‘fucking’ was uttered.

Lincoln looks scandalized by this news that neither Clarke nor his cousin are rebuking and quickly escapes to find Anya.

“Lexa and Clarke!” Octavia shouts to Raven who squeals in delight.

“I’m gonna go find Anya.” Lexa says quickly and leaves the group. Clarke shoots her a murderous glare at this betrayal.

She finds Anya and Lincoln at the bar awaiting Anya’s drink. Her cousins give her a conspiratory grin and she groans. Clearly escaping this conversation is not in her luck tonight.

“So…” Anya starts before breaking off into a bigger grinch-like grin.

“Yes yes we had sex.” Lexa rolls her eyes.

Anya having just gotten her whiskey, raises it in salute and takes a long gulp.

“Proud of ya cous.”

“Yeah. We’re happy for you. Told you Clarke was good for you.” Lincoln puts a strong hand on her shoulder.

“Can we never speak of this again?” Lexa groans.

“Deal.”

“I think I’m gonna ask Raven out.” Anya declares suddenly to the group.

“Finally.”

“Congrats.”

“I can't believe we like these people.” Anya says gesturing to the group, Octavia and Raven currently jumping around an exasperated Clarke.

“C’mon. I should go relieve my girlfriend from this horrifying experience.”

The ping pong tournament goes on to the quarters where Anya faces off against Raven while Lincoln faces Lexa and Clarke faces a stranger. Octavia having gotten kicked out in the opening round is sulking in the corner surrounded by countless jugs of beer.

Clarke is busy going over strategies Lexa can use in her match against Lincoln.

“If you beat him I’ll let you do anything you want to me.”

Lexa gulps, hiding behind a giant swig of her black beer.

“I’m tucking tonight please don’t give me boners.”

“Sorry babe.” Clarke coos and presses a sympathetic kiss to her cheek.

Anya and Raven’s match starts and it’s a cracking one so far. They’re both evenly matched though to Lexa’s trained eyes she can see Anya holding back just a little. They’re both still intensely involved but when Raven lets out an involuntary grunt, Anya falters and Raven wins the point. Soon enough, Raven has discovered Anya’s kryptonite: her. Every time she has Anya on the ropes, she grunts and Anya misses her shot. By the time Anya realizes she’s being manipulated it’s too late and Raven wins the match. They shake each other’s hand and Anya begrudgingly commends Raven for her brilliance.

Lexa and Lincoln are too busy cackling at how easy Anya is, they don’t even hear the announcer calling their names. Clarke shoos them away to the ping pong table slyly grabbing Lexa’s butt in the progress. She winks when Lexa looks over at her, scandalized.

“Remember what I said.”

It’s another even match. Lexa doesn’t command the same strength she had back in high school when she used to play with Lincoln but she makes up for it with her reflexes which is arguably more important in a game of table tennis. The only problem is Lincoln is so big he barely has to move to reach the ends she keeps aiming for. By the time the last set starts they have an equal set of points making it the match winning set. At the end Lincoln barely edges past and wins.

Octavia rushes forward and hugs Lincoln tightly but Lexa only has eyes for her girl who is at the moment looking a little threatening. Lexa inhales deeply and reaches over for a kiss. Clarke purses her lips but still kisses Lexa, unable to stay mad for too long.

“Sorry.” Lexa mumbles, resting her forehead against Clarke’s. “Win it for us?”

“Fine.” Clarke grins.

Clarke unsurprisingly crushes her opponent and Lexa has to take regular sips of her beer to keep her mouth from drying up as she watches Clarke aggressively play, transfixed. It’s her little grunts of exertion that does Lexa in every time. The little tongue peering out of her mouth as she watches with a frighteningly single minded concentration the movements of her opponent. As it turns out her kink is aggressive competitive Clarke.

The final is between Clarke and Lincoln and Lexa and Octavia is positively giddy with the prospect of their eventual 100 dollar bar tab. Anya and Raven are nowhere to be seen after Anya’s elimination in the hands of Lincoln.

Clarke wins quite comfortably and Lexa is getting uncomfortably turned on by the sight.

(“I used to play table tennis instead of actual sports back in high school.” Clarke had said before the final.)

Anya and Raven, whose lipstick is suspiciously smothered across her mouth, joins when they are presented the bar tab. They each order expensive looking cocktails they’ve always had eyes for before. Lexa doesn’t remember much after that. She only remembers Anya and Raven slipping out during the 3rd round and Clarke’s hotly whispered, “let’s go back home.”

Lexa allows herself to be led, safe in the arms of her lover, perfectly aware that they would never lead her astray.

…

Clarke wakes after Lexa for once. She’s in an unfamiliar bed and she panics for a brief second but the smell on the pillow in enough to calm her down. She realizes with a jolt that this is her first time in Lexa’s apartment. Her living space is much like the girl herself, clean and calculated. There’s candles and incense sticks decorated on every inch of the apartment but other than that there are no unfamiliar quirks that Clarke only now learns.

The late autumn chill is wafting through the open window and Clarke wraps herself with the blanket to stop herself from shivering and makes her way out of Lexa’s bedroom.

Lexa is sitting on the couch with the newspaper and a cup of tea. She spots Clarke by her door and puts it down to greet her with a smile.

“Hey, morning.”

“Morning.”

Lexa is a voracious reader she also learns on this fine day. The main living room has two giant bookcases and it takes up almost half of her small living room. It makes for a cosy atmosphere. She can imagine Lexa kicking back at the end of a busy day with a book and a bottle of chilled beer. The image brings a smile to her face and she plops down happily next to Lexa. She pushes up the glasses hanging precariously on the tip of Lexa’s nose.

“What are your plans for today?” Clarke asks. Lexa cocks her head to the side, thinking.

“I have work from 1.”

Clarke looks at her watch and grins. “It’s 11. Plenty of time to make up for last night.”

“Claarke.” Lexa whines good naturedly but her breath catches in her throat when Clarke’s insistent hands cup her through her shorts.

“What?” Clarke asks, the picture of innocence. She reaches into Lexa’s shorts to hold and stroke her length.

“You know what you’ve done.” Lexa says through gritted teeth. The pressure in her crotch is slowly building with each agonizing pump.

“Don’t be so tense baby. Let me take care of you.” Clarke breathes into Lexa’s ear and she whimpers in response.

“I’m only tense cause you’re teasing me.”

Clarke thinks now that she’s started having sex with Lexa, she’s opened some kind of carnal floodgate. She can't stop thinking about it. She concocts different fantasies whenever she can and they plague her night and day.

By now Lexa’s breathing has picked up and her eyes have closed up. She’s gripping the arm rests of the sofa, white knuckled. So Clarke decides she can't wait any longer as well. Her teasing is affecting both of them at this point. She dips her head down and pops the head of Lexa’s cock in her mouth. She can feel it twitching, eager for a release. She bobs her head along the length revelling in the quiet whimpers coming from Lexa. She uses her hands to stroke the part she hasn’t yet reached with her mouth. It takes some effort but when it hits the back of her throat she hears a loud moan from Lexa signalling the end. She uses her free hand to fondle her balls and that’s all it takes.

“I’m gonna come.” Lexa warns. And before long Lexa’s release fills her mouth. She swallows as best as she can and that coaxes a few more weak spurts from the twitching member.

When she comes back up for air, Lexa’s eyes are glassy but still shining with affection. She kisses Clarke hard, moaning at the taste of her still lingering on Clarke’s tongue.

“You’re too good to me.” Lexa says quietly.

“I’m only treating you how you deserve to be treated.”

Lexa’s answering kiss is enough to tell her that the love she feels sweltering in her mind is not as one sided as she fears.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the long wait. I was in the process of moving so I took some time off to get settled. Here's hoping I can maintain a good schedule of updates now. Hope you enjoyed this chapter. This is my first time writing smut so hope it's good. As always thanks for reading and commenting. They make my day!


	6. Chapter 6

Winter comes in suddenly like a whirlwind, Lexa is too busy layering up and having them carefully peeled off by Clarke to notice that it’s time for the family dinner. She used to love winter at some point of her life. It was an excuse to hide her body with baggy clothes. It made passing before E slightly easier. Nowadays though she relishes each opportunity to show off her body. It’s gotten to where she wants finally and damned if she’s gonna keep hiding. 

She admires her form in the mirror for a brief second before Clarke swoops in and wraps her arms around Lexa. She puts her chin on her shoulder and snuggles in even closer.

“We look good.” She says.

“You know what I like about you Clarke? Your humility. Truly it astounds me.”

“That and my charming good looks?”

Lexa rolls her eyes with a fond smile. “Yes. How could I forget?”

“I’ll have to remind you more often if you’re already forgetting. We’ve only been dating for 3 months.”

Lexa whips around, eyes widening like saucers, the realization having only just hit her. “3 months already?”

“In two days yeah. Don’t tell me you forgot that too.”

“Course not. It just truly hit me.” Lexa scoffs and presses a quick kiss to Clarke’s lips. “C’mon we should head out to dinner.”

“One more.” Clarke kisses Lexa again and what else can Lexa do but get lost in the pillowy warmth of her mouth. She feels a hand tugging on her jacket and that’s when she wises up. She breaks off the kiss and tuts Clarke who just shrugs and smirks in return.

…

Clarke isn’t one to worry about meeting parents, her famous Griffin charm never fails but she has to admit she is slightly nervous about this one. She’s damn serious about Lexa and she wants to make it as clear as possible.

She’s standing on their porch, nervously shifting from one foot to the other. Lexa touches the small of her back and that manages to calm her down enough to stop. She graces Lexa with a thankful smile.

“Don’t be nervous Clarke. They’ll love you.”

“Yeah I know. I’m good. Ring the bell.”

Lexa’s parents open the door at the first ring almost like they were waiting right behind the door. Gustus is exactly how she imagined him. He’s big like Lincoln with a jolly air about him. What she’s not prepared for is the hardened gaze of Indra, standing a few steps behind Gustus, boring her down. She feels naked under the watchful stare of Lexa’s mother.

“Lexa honey you’re here!” Gustus says loudly. He clasps his hands on her shoulders in a greeting before finally turning his attention to Clarke. “And you must be Clarke!”

“I am. It’s nice to finally meet you guys. I’ve heard a lot about you.”

“You as well.” Gustus winks. “Come in come in, please.”

They make their way inside, the house isn’t as spacious as the one she grew up in, in fact it’s much smaller than she expected. But she can see the ghosts of memories seeping into every nook and cranny. She imagines Lexa, Lincoln and Anya growing up, living on top of each other. Driving each other mad but with the love that comes with sibling rivalry.

“Hello Lexa.” Indra’s tone is slightly formal but there’s a mirth in her eyes when she spots Lexa. “Clarke it is a pleasure to meet you.”

“Likewise, Mrs Woods.”

“Please call us Gustus and Indra.” Gustus interrupts, hanging up their coats on the rack by the door. “Lincoln and Octavia are here already. Anya it seems has mysteriously disappeared.”

Lexa chuckles and shakes her head. “She’s probably with Raven.”

“So your brother claims.” Indra says with a smile.

“Sis! Clarke! You made it.” Lincoln greets them as they make their way into the living room. Clarke spots Octavia sitting prim and proper on the couch, her hands on her knees and looking straight ahead. She knows from just the first look that the otherwise brash woman is terrified beyond belief. She can only hope that the same doesn’t happen to her.

As it turns out Lexa was right all along. Gustus is an excellent navigator. He weaves through conversations with practiced ease. She makes sure to include Clarke and Octavia in every facet of the conversation. Indra is more sharp glares and quiet rumination. She can already see how well the two fit, like ying and yang.

At the dinner table, Indra takes the wheel and the questions become more pointed as the meal progresses. It’s Octavia’s turn to be interrogated first and Clarke watches with bated breath, practicing her answers in her mind. She doesn’t want to be rehearsed, her charisma usually flows freely but under Indra’s steely scrutiny she falters.

“So Clarke. Lexa tells me you’re studying biology as preparation for med school.” Indra turns her attention to Clarke. She feels Lexa’s hand on her thigh as a comforting gesture and it makes her feel more grounded than any of her own previous attempts.

“Yes that’s right. I’ve only got two more years to go then I’m off to med school.”

“That’s going to be a lot of hard work. You must be quite driven. If you don’t mind my asking, what made you pick this line?”

“Mom it’s not important.” Lexa starts but Indra shushes her good naturedly.

“It’s a simple question Lexa.”

“It’s alright Lex. Well my mom is a surgeon but really I became interested in medicine when my dad died. I spent a lot of time at hospitals watching doctors at work. They seemed more like superheroes than human so I guess it just drew me in.”

Indra listens intently and her face softens for the first time that night. She seems apologetic.

“I’m sorry if I brought up bad memories. It seems Lexa was right.”

“Could I get that in writing please?” Lexa pipes up with a grin.

Indra doesn’t say much in regards to interrogating Clarke after that. Whatever answer Clarke gave her has satisfied her enough not to pry. But the final question comes after they have all retired to the living room. Clarke stays behind to put up the dishes with Indra when the older woman stops in her spot and leans in close.

“I know Lexa has come out to you. I hope you understand how big a step that was for her. And I hope you do not break the trust she has put in you.” Indra’s voice is low but the unspoken threat rings in her ears.

Clarke puts down the dish in her hands and turns to Indra, hoping her face can convey how earnestly she feels about Lexa. “Yes she has. I promise you I would never betray her trust. I am really serious about your daughter. She means a lot to me.”

“Good.” Indra says simply and moves away to pick up the dirty dishes.

She joins Lexa in the living room couch. They snuggle in closer when Lexa puts an arm around her ignoring the gagging sounds Octavia directs at them. She soaks in the warmth emanating from her girl and the faint vanilla that she has now come to associate with her.

“Hey. Hope mom didn’t rattle you too much.”

“She didn’t. I was expecting much worse trust me.”

The rest of the night is goes along far better than she anticipated. Gustus tells Clarke and Octavia some choice stories about Lexa and Lincoln’s coloured past. They roar with laughter and even Indra joins in at some point detailing a story about how Lincoln and Lexa cried so much at a Jurassic Park screening when they were younger that they were kicked out.

(“My brave protector.” Clarke coos teasingly.

“We were 5, Clarke. If anything it’s your faults for taking us to an adult movie.” Lexa fights back.)

When Lexa takes her to Anya and hers old rooms, Clarke takes it all in reverentially. It’s a small room with two beds on opposite sides. She can tell Lexa’s side from all the books and candles. The wall is adorned with hanging medals and plaques. She runs her finger over the shiny gold, collecting dust on her fingertips. Soccer medals for 1st place and best player awards cover every inch. Lexa stands beside her, hands clasped behind and back ramrod straight. She can tell that Lexa is nervous by how rigidly she stands. Always the fighter, Clarke thinks.

“I knew you played. I didn’t know you were MVP good.” Clarke says.

“It was in another life Clarke. Nothing that matters now.” Lexa sounds indifferent but Clarke is searching for regret and sadness. She finds it when she spots a plaque with a curious piece of duct tape under best player. When she moves to take it off, Lexa stops her with a firm hand.

“It says men’s.” Lexa says and Clarke allows her hand to fall with Lexa’s.

“I was proud of my achievements. But at the same time that plaque used to make me feel like shit. One day Anya couldn’t take my moping anymore and put the tape on it. It’s stuck ever since.”

Clarke feels her heart break with each word. She thinks of a young Lexa haunted by her own achievements. How painfully she must have lived with such a daunting word hanging over everything she did. _Men’s._ How just a couple of letters can instil such dread she thought she would never know. But now she starts to understand. She wishes she take some of her pain away. She also understands now why Lexa is so indifferent. It was simply the only option she had. What use is there in raging against an unmovable world? What else could she do but accept the hurt it constantly hurls at her? And in time let it hone her into something as unbending as the world itself. Two forces of nature facing off against each other and there’s nothing Clarke can do but stand with Lexa in her moment of need.

“Anya’s a good sister.” She says finally.

“The best.” Lexa says cracking a pained smile.

“Will you teach me to play?”

“I thought you hate running Clarke.”

“I want to learn, if you still want to teach me that is.”

This time Lexa’s smile is more genuine and Clarke thinks there is nothing more beautiful than the curve of those lips. “Of course I will.”

…

On the day of their 3 month anniversary, Lexa thinks she is ready to take the final step. She spends eons in the pharmacy looking through condoms wondering which will fit her best for what she has in mind. When she finally settles on a specific brand it’s a rush back home. She doesn’t bother with the packaging knowing full well how the directions and accompanying pictures will make her feel. The last time she used a condom or even engaged in penetration was with Costia.

It’s curious how thinking of Costia no longer makes her ache as much as before. Clarke has unknowingly healed festering wounds and still continues to do so. When they broke up Lexa believed that would be the end of her love life. The pain of finding the one and having to leave her behind because she longer fit her criteria almost had her paralyzed for years. But now she starts to think perhaps Costia was not the one perhaps it is Clarke-no she doesn’t want to go there. Yet. It’s only been three months.

She dresses for the occasion, foregoing the usual braids, flannel and jeans with a dress and flowing hair. She puts the condoms in her purse and almost loses her head at how out of place it looks with everything she has put on. She doesn’t wallow too long in despair though, moving past it through sheer will. She’s good at compartmentalizing dysphoria when it strikes but changes in her usual routine always throws a wrench in the process.

They fawn over each other at Clarke’s doorstep, gushing at how wonderful the other looks. Clarke’s beauty always manage to startle her, it takes her breath away and she has to spend a while getting her system restarted. She hopes there never comes a day when the sight of Clarke doesn’t render her so. She thinks she can never tire of Clarke Griffin.

They go for a fancy dinner, having saved up for the occasion for the past couple of weeks. It’s three months damn it and they don’t want to spend it in a greasy pizza place. Lexa stares at the beautiful hanging chandeliers in awe. Neither of her two families had been blessed with wealth like Clarke and this is her first time in such a fancy place. They order some wine and settle in, smiling and drinking in the sight of the other.

Despite the lavish décor, Lexa finds she can't tear her eyes off Clarke and neither can Clarke. There’s a current of underlying sexual tension that is just begging to be let out. She watches Clarke’s eyes darken as she bites into her meal and Lexa too finds herself doing the same when Clarke moans into her food.

They last all but two seconds once they’re in the privacy of Clarke’s home. Clarke wraps her legs around Lexa, pushing her up against the wall and kisses her hotly. Lexa grabs onto her legs and kisses her fervently. Molten desire surges in her veins and all she wants to do is rip her clothes off and fuck Clarke into the ground.

When Clarke attaches her teeth to her neck, Lexa breathes out, “I bought some condoms. I feel ready Clarke.”

Clarke looks up at her pausing her assault on her neck. She grins but Lexa can see the nervousness in her fluttering eyes.

“Do you want to do it?” Lexa asks.

Clarke croaks. A garbled sound that is more a choke than words and it makes Lexa worry that perhaps she is being too fast in springing this. But Clarke tries again and this time it sounds more like a breathless yes. Clarke smiles at her. All teeth and pure joy and Lexa can't help but return the sentiment.

“Of course Lexa.” Clarke finally manages. Picking up Clarke is awkward in a dress but she’s determined to make it work. She carries Clarke to the bedroom and sets her down gently.

“I get so wet every time you pick me up.” Clarke says breathless.

“Why do you think I always do it?” Lexa smirks.

Getting out of their respective dresses is a chore by the end of it Lexa is sure she is huffing because of it and not Clarke. But when they’re finally, _finally_ bare they pause to consider what they are about to undertake. It feels like their first time all over again. Shy smiles and roaming eyes. Lust and reverence.

“I want to feel you Lexa. Without the condom. I’ve been on birth control.”

“R-really? Since when?”

“For a while. It helps with my period.”

“Okay then.” Lexa smiles. Being inside Clarke completely bare has crossed her mind on more than one occasion and she’d be lying if she said it wasn’t the more attractive option. Lexa takes a moment still to process the decision. She finds her brain short circuiting at the mere mention of it. Finally she drapes her across Clarke and shudders when she hears her girl’s breath hitching at the contact.

She takes it slowly. Kissing on every acre of milky white flesh, tracing the goose bumps that pops up in her wake. She revels in the quiet moans and whimpers every action brings forth from Clarke. She pays extra attention to her breasts, by far one of her most favourite places to be. By the time she makes her way down to her thighs, Clarke is a mess. Sweat pooling between her breasts and shining in the dim light of her bedroom. She marks the skin on her thighs and swipes tentatively along her slit. She puts in two fingers and Clarke arches off the bed at finally getting some relief. Lexa thrusts her fingers a couple of times until some of Clarke’s wetness drips onto the mattress below. When she feels Clarke is ready to take her on she sits up and coats her aching length with some of Clarke’s slick.

“Are you ready baby?” she asks even though she knows the answer.

“God yes.”

She isn’t big but she’s well-endowed enough that she knows to take it slowly regardless of Clarke’s enthusiasm. She surges forward, putting the tip inside and revelling in the needy moan that Clarke lets out. The first contact even has Lexa moaning. It’s hot, wet and tight inside Clarke and now that she’s in she never wants to get out. She doesn’t think of Costia. Clarke is so much different. Clarke is breathless moans and shivering promises. Clarke is her love; beating, bursting out of her chest. Clarke is who she wants to grow old with. Clarke is who she wants her children to be with. It’s only three months but it feels like they’ve known each other for decades.

When she buries herself in completely they both groan simultaneously. Lexa has to bite her lips from bursting out the three words that is suddenly haunting her.

“Are you okay?” she asks instead.

“Yes.” Clarke says through gritted teeth. “Move, Lex. I can take it.”

The first few thrusts are shaky, unsure. It’s been ages since she’s done this and she finds it surprising that it doesn’t make her feel too dysphoric. Instead she focuses on Clarke’s face to take her home. The quiet moans and arching gasps she takes. How her blonde hairs spills all around her. It’s enough to make her ache inside. The love she feels is boundless, breaking out from every pore consuming them both in an avalanche.

She speeds up and Clarke contracts around her. It’s almost sinful how good it makes her feel. Clarke’s moans build up to a crescendo and Lexa joins her soon afterward. She puts her hand in between their sweating bodies and finds Clarke’s swollen clit. She rubs haphazardly. Before long Clarke comes with a shout, gasping for air. She lets Clarke down easy, her thrusts slowing down somewhat.

“Come for me baby.” Clarke says eagerly and Lexa must. She has no choice. How could she when Clarke asks her to so tenderly?

She spills inside Clarke, probably the most she’s ever come on E. Clarke groans at feeling her come inside. Lexa jogs her hips a couple of times, easing herself through her release. Finally she collapses, still inside Clarke but too tired to pull out. They’re both breathing too loud, trying but failing to catch their breath after such an intense orgasm. Clarke trails her hands over Lexa’s back, revelling in the lean muscles. Lexa lays over her, still as a statue and Clarke fears she’s fallen asleep. Finally Lexa lifts herself up and slips out of Clarke. The loss makes them both ache but they are sated for the time being.

“Fuck that was…” Clarke begins once her breathing has returned to normal.

Lexa nods shyly, leaning in for a small kiss. “Amazing.”

“Do you feel alright?”

“I thought it would be bad. I’m usually not too keen on penetration but it was very good. You always make me feel good, Clarke.”

Clarke’s eyes glisten and shine with adoration. “You make me feel good too Lexa.”

Lexa feels her earlier dilemma return with that. Her chest feels full to bursting with the words she so desperately wants to say, instead she gulps fearful of scaring Clarke away with how intensely she feels. She pulls Clarke in until their limbs are pressed together, until it becomes impossible to ascertain who begins where. They fall asleep together and not even the insistent morning light can tear away their iron hard grips.

…

Abby comes one evening when they’re too busy entangled in each other. Clarke is riding Lexa, a favourite position of theirs, on the sofa. The air is thick with the smell of sex and sweat and each moan they wrangle from each other is downright sinful. They don’t hear the bell until the fifth ring and Clarke groans, stopping abruptly. Lexa whines at the interruption.

“Do you think they’ll go away if we never answer?” Clarke says breathlessly.

Lexa’s answer is cut short by the sixth ring and a muffled “Clarke!” from the other side. Clarke freezes, eyes widening like saucers.

“That’s my mom.” She exclaims, panic settling in.

“What!?” Lexa pulls Clarke off her lap and quickly searches for her pants. She throws Clarke’s clothes at her as she goes. “Wear your clothes Clarke.” She hisses at the blonde still frozen on the sofa.

Clarke quickly snaps out of her reverie and hastily puts her clothes on.

“Coming!” she yells at the door. “Go to my bedroom Lex.”

“I should meet her, no?”

“You can't meet her like that.” Clarke points at the tent in Lexa’s pants.

“Fuck.”

“Yeah.” Clarke buttons up her pants and smooths out her tangled hair as best she cans, grimacing as she does it.

“So do I just hide in your closet?”

“This is so not how I wanted you to meet her.”

Abby’s face flashes on Clarke’s phone and she swears. “Coming mom! Hide Lex.”

Abby does not look impressed by the time Clarke finally opens the door.

“Clarke where were you?” she asks incredulously, inviting herself in.

“I uh was taking a nap. Sorry mom.”

“Clarke.” Abby starts, shaking her head in disbelief. “I could hear voices.”

Clarke’s heart sinks and she can tell by the look on Abby’s face that she determined to get to the bottom of this. “I was with my girlfriend.”

“Girlfriend? Why have I never heard of her?” Abby softens at that and envelops Clarke in a tight hug. “This is why I came. We never talk anymore. I miss my baby.”

“I missed you too mom.” Clarke says wrapping her arms around her mother.

“I was in town for a conference and thought I’d drop by. I hope it’s not too inconvenient.”

“Of course not mom.”

“So where is this girlfriend of yours?”

“Lexa! You can come out.” Clarke says with a defeated sigh. Hiding things from her mother was always a steep challenge. Her motherly sixth sense and a keen nose for trouble was always a force to be reckoned with.

When Lexa hastily scrambles out of her bedroom, her cheeks are flushed pink and Clarke joins in on the embarrassment, her face is burning hotly at the pointed gaze of her mother.

“Hello, it’s a pleasure to meet you Mrs. Griffin.” Lexa finds her voice and straightens up. She’s slipped on a mask of professionalism and Clarke is envious at how quickly Lexa can school her expression.

“Oh please call me Abby.” Abby reaches for Lexa’s offered hand and shakes it. “I wish I could say I’ve heard a lot about you but my daughter has kept you a secret until now.”

As far as meeting parents goes, this one is considerably better than even the time she herself met Lexa’s parents. Lexa demolishes each question and remark with frightening ease. In fact she’s the one sweating while Lexa just looks effortless as always. She can tell Abby is warming up to Lexa. It’s when Abby asks what she is planning career wise that the ball drops.

“I’m studying criminology.”

“Ah. A lawyer and a doctor. You two would make quite the power couple.” Of course Abby chooses this moment to rear her ugly head of parental expectations.

“Actually I’m not too interested in law. I want to be a cop. I just chose this cause my parents wanted a degree first.”

Clarke watches in horror as Abby’s face contorts into a disappointed scowl and even though to the untrained eye, Lexa still seems on top of things, being an expert in all things Lexa she can see the quiet gulp she takes.

“Mom! Why don’t we all go out somewhere for dinner!?” she hopes shouting can keep the forces Abby’s mustering at bay. There is a reason Lexa was kept under tight wraps from her. It’s one thing to enforce your expectations on your child, it’s another to do it to a complete stranger. Sadly, Clarke sighs, Abby doesn’t seem bent on changing anytime soon.

“Of course Clarke. That would be wonderful. It would be great if you joined us Lexa.”

“Oh Lexa should be going home by now mom.”

“Nonsense. I would love to learn more about you Lexa. God knows I won't get it out of Clarke.”

Lexa shifts in her spot looking between the two Griffin women. Clarke pleads with her eyes but she concedes the battle to Abby when she sees Lexa wilting under her insistent gaze.

“I would hate to intrude on your time with Clarke, Mrs. Griffin.”

“You wouldn’t be. Please come.”

“Alright then.”

“Now what did I tell you about calling me Mrs. Griffin.”

…

Dinner is like a minefield. Abby is polite enough but Clarke knows her mother very well and she can smell a ruse almost as easily as her. Each question directed at Lexa is probing and as wonderful as Lexa is at navigating through them, she can see the wear and tear already.

(“Why would want to be a cop? I’m a doctor trust me I have seen enough cops in my ER to last a lifetime. It’s far too dangerous for someone like you.”

“Think of all the heads you’ll turn as a lawyer.”

“Of course police are important but the real work starts in the courtroom.”)

Finally Clarke cannot take it anymore.

“Mom!” she hisses. “That’s enough!”

“What? What’s wrong?”

“You’ve been harassing Lexa since you found out she has no wish to be a lawyer. Please stop or we will leave.”

Abby purses her lips into a thin line and waves a hand through the air. “I am merely giving my opinion Clarke. Lexa should know what she is getting into.”

“You made your point the first time mom.” Clarke holds her head up high, indignant.

“With all due respect, Abby, I know full well what I will be getting into. My father is a policeman. And I have researched enough to have a clear idea.” Lexa interrupts the battle of the Griffins. Both heads turn to her and Lexa puts her hand on Clarke’s thigh under the table to calm her down.

Abby’s eyes flicker between the two of them, the vein on her neck taut and ready to go an actual round of fighting. But in between Lexa’s striking eyes boring into her own, challenging her to go on and Clarke’s fire, Abby knows when the battle is lost.

“Fine. I can see when my wisdom is being squandered. I will keep it to myself from now on.”

But the comment only sparks Clarke’s ire more.

“Your wisdom.” She scoffs. “You forced me into a line of work I have no wish in pursuing. It’s always about you mother. You think you know it all. You know why I never call you? It’s because you stopped being my mom when dad died.” Clarke rises up, rummaging through her purse for money which she flicks down on the table in a huff. “C’mon Lexa. We’re leaving.”

Lexa wordlessly follows Clarke out of her seat. Clarke stomps through the restaurant. Lexa stays behind opening and closing her mouth like a fish out of water. But Abby simply waves her off.

“Go. I expected this.”

“All things aside, it was nice meeting you.”

…

She finds Clarke waiting in her car, gripping the steering wheel, white knuckled. Lexa hastily steps inside and puts her hand on Clarke’s shoulders, forcing her to face her.

“Hey. You okay?”

“Not really. Who does she think she is saying all that crap to you? I’m used to taking her bullshit. I don’t expect her to do it to my fucking girlfriend on top of that.

“It’s alright Clarke. I expected this from what you told me about her. I could handle it.”

“I know. You shouldn’t have to though.”

“I’ll fight through anything for you.” Lexa cups Clarke’s face and reaches over the gearbox to plant a kiss to her forehead.

When they’re back in Clarke’s apartment, the blonde nestles into Lexa and stays there. Lexa runs her fingers through her hair and massages her. It’s the only respite, Clarke finds on such a dreary day.

“Why don’t you switch to art?”

“She’ll cut me off.”

“You can take a loan. Get a job. I finance everything on my own you know. It is doable.”

“I’ll lose my mother Lexa. I’ve already lost my dad. I can't lose her, as shitty as she can be sometimes.”

“You don’t choose family, family chooses you.”

“What does that even mean?”

“It means, you shouldn’t fear to lose her. She is not the only one you have. You deserve to be happy. And art makes you happy. I’ve seen your work. You are talented enough to make it work.”

“I just can't Lexa. I can't. Can we talk about something else?”

Lexa nods simply before realizing Clarke can't see her with her head on her lap. “Okay.” She makes a mental note to continue on this further on a day when they’re not mentally exhausted.

…

The dream ends one evening.

Lexa and Clarke are laying on the bed, chatting about nothing in particular and trading kisses here and there. It is the picture perfect bliss Lexa had always fantasized about. They’ve been dating for more than four months. They don’t talk much about Lexa’s toothbrush in Clarke’s bathroom or her designated drawer in Clarke’s wardrobe. The honeymoon period is too good to shatter with declamations of love. Even if they are both acutely aware of how intense their feelings have gotten.

The harsh ring of Lexa’s phone breaks her out of her reverie. Lexa lazily kisses Clarke and reaches over to the bedside table to grab her phone.

“Someone better be dying Linc, it’s my day off.” Lexa groans.

Lincoln is quiet on the other end for a moment and that is enough to alarm Lexa.

“Lincoln. What happened?” The solemn tone Lexa suddenly takes also clues Clarke in. She sits up and looks at Lexa with concern.

Clarke watches as Lexa’s face falls by each passing second and her heart begins to beat wildly. She has never seen Lexa look so pain stricken and her palms start to feel clammy in response.

“Which hospital?” Lexa asks and Clarke knows. Clarke just knows their world is about to shatter. She holds in her breath.

“I’ll be there as soon as possible. Hey Linc, just stay strong okay? Her fight is not over yet.” Lexa scrambles out of bed and hangs up the phone. She grabs her coat off the chair and looks at Clarke, blank faced and teary eyed.

“Lex, what happened?” Clarke’s arms are instantly around her. She hugs tightly and Lexa buries her face in the crook of her neck, inhaling her scent. It’s enough to calm her down momentarily.

“It’s Anya. She had an accident.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are about to get serious. My university has started so updates may not be as frequent as usual. As always thank you for your kind words and kudos.


	7. Chapter 7

Lexa replays the conversation in her head on the car ride over. She hears Anya. Accident. ICU. They play over and over. The hitch of Lincoln’s breath. The barely bitten back tears in his voice. The crying in the background. Sheer dread envelops her and renders her numb. The thought of her sister lying there battered and bruised in the wreckage of her own car hurts too much to even consider. The only respite is the calming presence of her girl. Clarke has one hand on the wheel and the other wrapped in hers. She squeezes every so often and it brings her back from her destructive daydream.

The hospital is a dreary place. Lexa has seen the inside of the hospital too many times to count. But unlike for most it has always served as a happy place for her. This is where she got her letter diagnosing her with something she always knew she had. This was where she got her first medicine to become the woman that she is. Today it feels more like a dungeon that eats up dreams and throws out nightmares.

The family is gathered outside the door of the ICU, most of them in tears. Even Gustus who’s never been known to shed a tear looks at her with watery eyes. He takes her in his arms upon seeing her and hugs tight. Indra puts a hand on her shoulder and promptly burst into tears. Anya has reduced her stony faced protectors into a mess.

Anya being adopted doesn’t matter in this room. Blood doesn’t define family, Lexa knows this well.

“They’re saying the chances are really low.” Indra says in between tears. “My baby is in there. And there’s nothing I can do.”

Lexa herself tears up in Indra’s arms. Lincoln is next to hug her and his tears make it even worse for her. The three of them have always been hand in hand, peas in a pod and now their sister is fighting for even a breath.

“Can I see her?” she pleads.

…

Anya looks smaller than she’s ever seen her. There’s tubes in her arms and bruises on her face. Her cheekbones, once so proud, lay bloody. Her entire body is in bandages, Lexa can barely see an ounce of skin on her. It seems like a miracle she is even still alive. There’s the faint beeping of her heartbeat on the monitor and Lexa stares at it for a moment. For as long as it beats there is still a chance. For as long as it beats Anya can come back to her.

Lexa turns to Anya and winces at the sight again, tears already forming in her eyes once again. She takes one of Anya’s hands in her own and squeezes gently.

“Anya…” she breathes. “I can't believe you’re in here. It seems like yesterday we were all together making fun of you and Raven. You-you have to fight this please. This can't be how it ends. There’s so much we haven’t done yet. There’s so many things I want to tell you. There’s so many things you still have to do. You have to grow old, get married, have kids. You’re my sister, my best friend and this isn’t your time.”

She chokes on her tears and they fall, fall, fall until there is no more left to give in her body. Lexa wipes her eyes with the back of her hand. There isn’t anything more she can say. And she can't bear to look at her sister in such a state. It’s absolutely devastating.

When she exits the ICU she sees two familiar figures standing by her family and her heart sinks. The day has exhausted her but it seems this nightmare refuses to end. Titus and Nia her birth parents look the same as when she last saw them 5 years ago. Nia still exudes a chilling aura, she looks regal even still surrounded by death and agony, looking down at them all. Titus has shaved away what little hair still remained when she saw him last. He looks more approachable than this wife but there is a haggard look to him. Lexa wonders how they can so perfectly conceal the evil lurking within them and pass themselves off as normal members of human society. There’s no telling signs. No maniacal grins or dark scheming eyes. But Lexa knows the truth. She’s seen it. She’s been through it.

There’s no signs of recognition in their eyes once she reaches the group. But the rest of the family including Clarke look nervous as hell, darting their eyes between the three of them.

Lexa waits for a couple of seconds, carefully scrutinizing each aspect of her birth parents and they seem to be doing the same. Finally it is Titus who breaks the tense silence.

His eyes widen as he drinks in her face.

“Alexander?”

She hasn’t been deadnamed in years, in fact it even takes her a while to realize he is calling her. She tilts her head up proudly.

“It’s Lexa now.” She says simply.

Nia scoffs and it cuts through Lexa’s mask of indifference instantly. Here she is 5 years after leaving them behind she’s still a slave to their whims.

She tries to salvage some of her earlier pride but faltering earlier has already given Nia the push she needs.

“You will always be Alexander no matter how hard you try.” Nia says in a steely tone.

Before she can defend herself, Gustus steps in front of her and raises a threatening finger.

“Now listen here. My daughter is fighting for her life. This is not the place to rehash old fights. And I will not stand by while you insult Lexa. I don’t care what you believe but in here you will respect her. Is that understood?”

Nia purses her lips but finally concedes with a small nod when Gustus hardens his expression. Lexa is thankful, not many can withstand Gustus when he gets serious and she is glad to see her biological mother is not one of the few.

She huffs her way to the back of the crowd, Titus gives Lexa a lingering watery eyed look and follows his wife.

“What are they doing here?” Lexa whispers to Gustus.

“They heard about the accident and wanted to come see her. I’m sorry, I forgot to mention it to you.”

“It’s okay Gustus. I can take it.”

Gustus puts a hand on her shoulder and squeezes it. “Did you see her?”

Lexa nods. “She looks so small. I never thought we would be in this position.”

“She still has a fighting chance.” Indra says butting into their father daughter moment. She has a steely look in her eyes no one in their right minds would cross. “I know my Anya. And I know she’ll fight this.”

Lexa finds herself wordlessly nodding once again. There’s nothing more she can say, Indra took the words right out of her mouth. She makes her way to Clarke and falls into her outstretched arms. She doesn’t care if Nia and Titus sees them. All she cares about is Clarke and her comforting scent of lilies. She breathes it in and some errant thing within her finally settles. She tucks her face in the crook of her neck and stays there for a few moments.

The families stay there throughout the night. Lexa tries on several occasions to send Clarke home but she remains steadfast, glued to her side. Every time Nia or Titus moves her grip on Lexa’s forearm tightens and Lexa feels protected under the watchful gaze of her blonde knight in shining armour.

Finally the doctor manages to shoo them away stating Anya’s situation will remain unchanged for a while yet and it’d be better for all involved to go home and rest up.

On her way out Titus who has been oddly hovering around her vicinity for the past couple of hours finally confronts her. Clarke narrows her eyes and watches him like a hawk. Titus appears unmoved but to Lexa’s trained eye she can see him take a big gulp.

“Alexander-” He starts and when Clarke takes a threatening step towards him, he seems apologetic. “Lexa I mean. Can we talk?”

“You lost the right years ago, I don’t want to see or talk to you.”

“I know. I know. But being here today and seeing you.” He breathes in deeply. “I want to fix our relationship.”

“What makes you think I want it fixed?”

“I’m still your father.”

“No.” Lexa says with a tone of finality. “My father is over there.” She points to Gustus with a shake of her head and relishes in seeing the colour drain from Titus’ face. “Now if you’ll excuse me. My girlfriend and I are tired.” She punctuates it with a quick kiss to the top of Clarke’s head, knowing full well both Nia and Titus will fume at the display.

It shouldn’t feel as good as it does. But walking away from a shell shocked Titus is one of the most cathartic experiences she has experienced in her brief but eventful life.  

…

When they get back to Clarke’s apartment, Lexa is all teeth and nails. She corners Clarke by the wall and all her frustration pours through in her touches. It’s rougher than ever before and Clarke finds herself embarrassingly wet. She knows what Lexa’s doing. She knows they should communicate. But as Lexa’s teeth grazes across her breast she succumbs to the pleasure, knowing the time for talk will come later.

Lexa unbuttons Clarke’s jeans and groans at the wetness pooled on her underwear.

“You’re so wet for me.”

“Always.” Clarke breathes.

Lexa doesn’t wait around. She takes down her underwear as fast as possible and fishes out her own member and sinks into Clarke’s wet heat.

Clarke wraps her legs around Lexa’s waist and the brunette holds her steady as she rocks into her. It doesn’t take long for Clarke to start fluttering around her cock, signalling her peak. Lexa just buries herself in harder than before savouring the tightness that is Clarke. She sinks her teeth into Clarke’s neck marking her with more bruises.

Clarke runs her nails over as much skin as she finds of Lexa. Her lust demands she leaves reminders of this tryst in as many places as she is able to.

Finally she cries out and contracts around Lexa who comes with a hoarse shout. They stand there enjoying the sensitive aftershocks and catching their breath, Lexa still inside Clarke.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have been so rough.” Lexa apologizes, slowly pulling out of Clarke and letting go of her.

“Don’t be. I loved it.”

“Clarke-”

“Lex, I mean it. I loved it.” Clarke catches Lexa by the cuff of her shirt and pulls her closer. “We should talk. About today.”

Lexa sighs and pinches the tip of her nose in frustration, finally she opens her eyes and nods. “Let’s get cleaned up first yeah?”

Clarke awkwardly waddles to the bathroom, careful not to make an even bigger mess. She looks like so terrible it’s a wonder how Lexa even found her appealing enough to fuck in the hallway. Her mascara is smudged, courtesy of the tears she has shed for Anya and her hair resembles a crow’s nest more than a human head. She smiles fondly at the purple bruises that mar her neck and breasts.

She finds Lexa on their bed (since when did her bed become _their_ bed? She wonders). Lexa manages a weak smile when she enters the room but she can see the pain still etched on her face.

“I’m too tired to even brush my teeth.” Lexa sighs.

“We can just sleep now and talk in the morning.” Clarke takes her spot next to Lexa on the bed and stretches languidly. “But rest assured you are not bottling anything up.” She pokes Lexa in the stomach for good measure and chuckles.

“You’re too good sometimes. I lo-I don’t know what I’d do without you.” Clarke catches the almost admission and her heart jumps in her throat. It’s validating to hear it from Lexa when she’s been agonizing over her feelings towards her for the last month. She puts the thought aside, under lock and key. Deciding to revisit it on a day when they both aren’t emotionally drained.

They spend a while tossing and turning, despite the fatigue that overwhelms them, falling asleep is hard. Clarke gives up halfway through and just lays there listening to Lexa’s even breaths. She isn’t sure if Lexa’s managed to fall asleep.

“Are you still up?” Lexa whispers after a while.

“Yeah.”

“I can't sleep. I keep seeing Anya every time I close my eyes.”

“She’s a fighter Lex. She’ll get through this I promise.”

“You can't promise something that’s not in your favour.” Lexa’s tone is short and clipped. Like she’s trying her hardest not to burst into tears.

So Clarke reaches across and guides her head to her shoulder. Lexa is stiff in her hands but when she runs her fingers through her soft brown curls, she relaxes and sighs.

“I can tell you’re holding it all in. Cry it out. You’ll feel a little better.”

“I think I've cried it all out.” Lexa snorts.

“I can tell there’s more. Is there?”

There’s a pause where all she can hear is Lexa’s heavy breathing. Finally the dam breaks and she can feel tears on her skin.

“Yes.” She chokes. Clarke holds her till they dry up. It takes a while but then there’s a soft sniffling noise and silence.

“It’s seeing my parents too. I didn’t expect them there.”

“When’s the last time you saw them?”

“Years god. It’s been more than 4 years. They certainly haven’t seen me since I’ve been on E.”

“Nia’s a piece of work.”

Lexa’s answer is a wet chuckle. “You don’t know the half of it.”

“Tell me.”

“She’s always been homophobic. I think she used to be scared I'm gay when I was younger. She wouldn’t let me hang out with girls. She forced me into sports. I was never too into soccer. It was all her doing. I played so much I got good at it. I never got any privacy. She’d always keep her eye on me. It was.” Lexa pauses and sighs. “Hell.”

“And Titus?”

“He was always going along with her. He doesn’t really have a backbone. That was always his problem. But he had good moments. Costia and I were best friends growing up. And he allowed that even if Nia never wanted it. I used to sleepover at her house because he allowed it. I’d play with her dolls and her makeup.”

“That’s a good memory.” Clarke smiles. “Didn’t you date her though?”

Lexa laughs. “I think she thought I was little queer. Seeing as how I used to play with her stuff. But I did have a crush on her. Sleepovers ended when I went through puberty.” There’s a grimace in her voice at the word ‘puberty’ and Clarke knows it’s a heavy subject. She steers clear, not wanting Lexa to relive her worst years on what is possibly one of the worst day of her life.

“I can assume Nia went easy on you after finding out you were dating Costia.”

“One would think but no. She was never happy with anything I did. I think she thought Costia was my beard.”

“What a terrible mother.”

“I worry about my little brother Aden. I hope his childhood isn’t the same as mine.”

“One can only hope. Isn’t there something you can do? Call child services?”

“I’ve thought about it. But I wouldn’t know where to start. I don’t have any proof. Just my own shitty childhood.”

Clarke’s heart breaks into a million pieces. “You don’t have to see her again Lex. I’ll make sure of it.”

“I- thank you. You don’t have to. I doubt she’ll talk to me again after today. Titus though. I don’t know what he wants.”

“As long as he’s still with her, how can we be sure he’s on your side?”

“Yeah.” Lexa yawns. “Sometimes I wish he could stand up to her. Then maybe I’d give him a chance.”

Lexa drifts off to sleep soon after leaving Clarke simmering in her thoughts. There’s so much she wants to do for this girl sleeping in her arms, her heart aches. She wants to give her all that she wants, just to see the goofy lopsided smile she reserves just for moments when Clarke makes her abashed. She wants to capture the sun and stars, hang it up and watch as it revolves around her. She wants to do it all. And it frightens her how little she can do.

…

The next few days goes by in a hurricane of activities. Raven is inconsolable. She spends a night at Clarke’s on her couch. Lexa herself shuts down after that night. She becomes a robot of sorts and it frustrates Clarke to no end. She knows it’s Lexa’s way of dealing but damned if she doesn’t miss her girl. Her actual girl, not the zombie that she has turned into.

Anya is still in a critical condition. Clarke calls her mom and tries to get her involved in the situation but she is a heart surgeon and there’s not much she can do except get some experts to weigh in on Anya’s case.

The families spend day and night running around in the hospital chasing doctors for second opinions and pining outside Anya’s room. Lexa spends every waking hour glued to Anya’s side waiting with bated breath.

On the sixth day, Clarke finally can't take it, she pulls Lexa out from the hospital waiting room and drags her outside.

“What is it Clarke?” Lexa snaps.

“It’s you. I can't take this anymore.” Clarke throws her hands up in the air in exasperation. “I get that you’re trying to make it through this but you have to talk to me. You can't hide every time something bad happens. This is a relationship. You have to talk.”

“I am talking. I don’t know what you want from me.” Lexa huffs, crossing her arms like a child being berated by their parent.

“No you’re not. You’re making yourself a martyr when Anya wouldn’t have wanted this. When’s the last time you slept 8 hours?”

“That’s not important. I need to be here in case something changes. If she wakes up and I’m not here-”

“They’ll call you if she wakes up, if there are changes. What good will it do for Gustus and Indra if you end up in the hospital too?”

There’s a noticeable pause after that and Clarke can see the gears shifting in Lexa’s head. She droops down, deflated and concedes.

“I-you’re right. I should go home.” She says finally, begrudgingly.

“Thank you. I’m coming with you to make sure.”

“Fine.”

Clarke orders a pizza and runs Lexa a bath back in her apartment. Lexa is still agitated, she can tell from the way she fidgets on the dinner table. Her phone is constantly in her hand, even as she navigates the pizza. Her eyes are glued to the screen, waiting for the moment it rings about Anya. But the call never comes and Clarke’s heart breaks with each passing moment.

In the bath, Lexa is putty in her hands. She lets the blonde lather soap and shampoo onto her. There’s a moment when the suds wash off that Lexa puts her head on Clarke’s shoulder and wraps her arms around her. She breaks down into tears, harsher than the night they first got the call. Clarke can tell all hope is slowly extinguishing from her, in wisps of smoke they can never catch and there’s nothing she can do to bring back her fighting spirit.

“I don’t know what I’ll do if she leaves us Clarke.” Lexa mumbles in between choking sobs. “She’s my sister. My best friend.”

“I know Lex. I know.” Clarke pats her back as she comes down from her breakdown.

That night once she puts Lexa to bed, she prays for the first time in her adult life. Clarke has never been a religious person, agnostic at best but she feels so hopeless it’s something to try. She prays to the earth, the trees and the oceans. Prays that they gather their strength and lend some to Anya. Prays that they give instead of take for once in their life. It’s too soon for Anya. Too soon for Lexa to know what it’s like to lose her blood. She’s lost her father and she hopes Lexa doesn’t experience that hopeless mourning so young in her life.

…

For a few moments the morning is like any other. Lexa stretches awake and smiles at the sight beside her. Clarke is still fast asleep, lightly snoring and shining blonde hair covering the pillow in a halo. Lexa appreciates the view for a while. Even like this with the shit in her life overflowing from all ends, Clarke is a welcome reprieve. Clarke is her home. Her love. Her everything.

She goes for a run for the first time since the accident. That’s another reprieve of hers. It’s her happy place. She runs until her lungs cry out and then some more. She takes the longer route today, glancing at other early morning joggers and working people. Much of the city is buried in snow and she almost trips on the icy ground more than once.

So much of life goes on, uncaring if you’re along for the ride, it makes Lexa ache. No one here knows her sister is on her deathbed. No one knows her sister’s car crashed into a truck because of the snow. And what about them? What are these early morning joggers coming here to forget? How much hurt is constantly being hurled at them by the universe?

And still, life goes on.

What else can she do but move with it? After all that’s the mantra she’s lived by ever since coming out. It isn’t like her to completely fall apart. She’s stronger than this.

Anya is stronger than this.

When she makes it back home, the smell of bacon wafts through the air. Nothing like running off the calories and promptly gaining it back.

“I was wondering where you went. I almost called Lincoln to see if you went to the hospital.” Clarke greets her with a kiss.

“Just thought I’d go for a run. I haven’t since Anya.” She’s still panting from the run and she sits at the dinner table catching her breath. “Thanks for last night. I really needed that.”

Clarke hums as she moves around the kitchen navigating the eggs and bacon. “When will you realize I'm in this with you? We have to work together Lex. You’re not alone. Not anymore.”

“I know I know. It’s just hard for me. My last relationship was Costia and that was years ago.”

They have a leisurely breakfast. It’s the weekend and Lexa has taken a week off work to deal with Anya’s accident so they spend it on the couch. Lexa’s phone is still at arm’s length. She still waits for the minute it will ring informing them of Anya’s situation. But as the minutes go by she doesn’t fret for the first time that week. She is content to be in Clarke’s arms, purring under the attention she lavishes.

Sometime during the Netflix marathon Clarke ends up in her lap, grinding against her growing erection. Clarke’s lips are pliant before her and her kisses taste of home and all the comfort that comes with that.

She sets her down on the bed gently and drapes her body across. Somehow it is different this time. The air is not as charged as usual. It almost feels like making love and that thought is welcomed this time. When she begins moving inside of Clarke she thinks maybe it is time.

Time to lay it all down on the line. Confess her love.

It feels like a cheesy cop out. Confessing her love during sex. But the words hammer in her rib cage threatening to burst through if she doesn’t do it herself.

They come together in a long drawn out gasp. Lexa kisses her forehead, the corners of her lips and the spot just below her ear. She kisses until Clarke shivers once more and rocks against her again.

But she moves away, groaning as her length leaves the warm inviting heat of Clarke. She settles next to her, head resting on her hand. Clarke grins at her and moves in for another kiss.

This moment. It is perfect. Their bubble of love. Where dying sisters and evil birth parents cannot reach. They are untouchable.

“Clarke I think I lo -” but before she can complete her declaration her phone rings. Lexa jumps out of bed and reaches for her phone leaving a confused Clarke in her wake.

It’s Gustus on the other line and she quickly accepts the call. His voice rumbles through, full of hope for the first time since the accident.

“Lexa! They want to take Anya into surgery. It’s a bit of an experimental procedure but it’s the best chance she has.”

“Oh my god! That’s great. When is it?”

“They’re moving things as fast as possible but listen. Her insurance. It’ll only cover half of the costs. And we didn’t have enough.”

“So are you taking a loan? What will you do?”

“It’s already taken care of. Titus he- he came through for us. He offered to pay the whole thing.”

“Is Nia okay with that?”

Gustus pauses on the line and sighs. “He said it’s payback for taking you in.”

“So this is him getting me to talk to him.”

“He seems to have changed Lex. Listen kid, I have to get things ready for Ahn. But talk to him. Try listening. Without him Anya wouldn’t have a chance. You know that.”

“Yeah.” Lexa sighs. “Yeah I know. I’ll be at the hospital as soon as possible.”

Clarke wraps her arms around Lexa as soon as the call ends.

“Well?” she asks, eyes shining with hope.

“Anya is going for surgery tomorrow. It’s kind of experimental but it’s the best chance she has. And… Titus paid for the whole thing.” The words seem bitter leaving her mouth but for the first time since the accident she has some hope fluttering in her chest.

Clarke cocks her brow. “That’s great! For Anya. But how does this make you feel?”

Lexa laughs nervously, running a hand through her hair. She paces the room. “It feels weird. I’m happy. Full of hope for Anya. But I don’t know what to think of Titus. He says this is payback for Gustus taking me in. What if he has changed? What if he does want to fix our relationship?”

“Would you like that?”

“I- god. I thought of this moment for years. But now I’m over it. But there’s also a part of me that wants to reach out. Nia can go to hell but Titus is still- I still think of him as my father sometimes.”

Clarke hugs Lexa. “Maybe that’s your answer. Maybe it is time to give him a chance.”

“Fuck.” Lexa mumbles into Clarke’s collarbone. When Lexa detaches there is a ghost of a smile on her face. “I’m going to go talk to my dad.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I struggled a bit writing this chapter but at least it's finally out. Let me know what you guys think!


	8. Chapter 8

The surgery is a lengthy one and even with the newfound hope the family still fidgets. Lexa hasn’t sat in one seat for more than 5 minutes, every few minutes she gets up and paces, whispers something conspiratorially to Lincoln then seats herself somewhere else. Clarke watches her with bleary eyes. She doesn’t want to admit it but Anya’s accident has messed up her body clock, not to mention her mental health. She wants to stay strong for Lexa but she wonders for a brief moment just how she will deal with the situation if the worst happens. Does she have the strength to be Lexa’s support?

“Don’t worry about her.” Lincoln says shuffling across the seats to sit next to her. “Pacing is her way of feeling in control.”

“Yeah.” Clarke snorts. “It agitates the shit out of me though.”

“Thanks for taking care of her the other night. I wanted to say something but she never listens to me. Anya is the only one she listened to.” He pauses, giving her a once over. “And now I guess you.”

“Yup. I'm the Lexa whisperer now.” She chuckles dryly.

“It’s a big challenge. But I know you’re up for it.” Lincoln grins.

“It’s been 4 hours, you’d think it be over by now.” Lexa stands before them, hand on her hips.

“Relax Lex. Brain surgeries need time.” Clarke says and Lexa finally relents, taking the spot next to her.

“I’m just tense.” She sighs.

“I know baby.” Clarke grabs a hold of Lexa’s sweaty hands and squeezes tight. Exhaustion rolls out of her in droves and she settles into her seat, tiredly.

“I’m okay.”

“You’re okay. Anya will be okay.”

By some divine intervention the main surgeon appears before them. He looks weary in his scrubs but there’s the barest hints of a smile on his face.

“Mr Woods.” He greets Gustus.

“Dr Lambert. How did it go?” Gustus asks, nervously wringing his hands.

“The operation was successful.” He says with a smile. “Her recovery however will still be a gradual process but as of right now she’s out of the danger zone.”

“Has there been any long term effects on her brain?”

“Not exactly but we’re anticipating slower speech. Her swelling was extensive so there will be some effects of that.”

“Is she awake?”

“Not yet. But she should be up in the coming hours once the anaesthetic wears off. To reduce her chances of being overwhelmed I recommend only a couple of you see her when she wakes up. Not the whole party.” He gestures to the group that has assembled.

The immediate family make their way to see Anya, leaving behind a weary Clarke and Octavia.

“How are you holding up princess?” Octavia asks flinging an arm around Clarke.

“Tired as fuck.” Clarke grumbles. “Lexa has been mad with grief. Taking care of her has been exhausting.”

“Same with Lincoln. But remember to take some time for yourself yeah? Becoming a martyr for your relationship isn’t gonna help anyone.”

Clarke snorts. “Since when did you become this wise sage?”

“Ahh but I’ve always been wise. You just had your head up your ass.”

They both burst into laughter.

“I couldn’t even say it with a straight face.” Octavia says, wiping a tear. “I should call Raven and let her know about the situation.”

“Bad day for a class test.” Clarke observes. “I’ll go get something from the vending machine.”

Clarke makes her way through the hospital until she reaches a vending machine. As she waits for it to process her money she feels sharp eyes on her back. She turns and comes face to face with none other than Titus Woods. He’s dressed sharp in a suit presumably back on his way from work. His eyes don’t seem unkind in fact he seems kind of welcoming towards her.

“I don’t believe we’ve been properly introduced.” He steps forward and extends his hand. “I’m Titus.”

“Clarke. I’m Lexa’s girlfriend.”

“I know. He-she made it a point last time.”

“Anya’s surgery went well. They’re currently visiting her.” Clarke catches the slip up of Lexa’s pronouns and narrows her eyes.

“That’s a relief. I’m glad it went well.”

Clarke scrutinizes Titus carefully. Lexa might be willing to give him a chance but she’s still not convinced. Part of her believes it’s some twisted game Nia and Titus are playing. Reeling Lexa in with false promises only to disappoint her yet again with their bigotry. The why is the part that eludes her. Why now? Why this way? Why in general? What could they possibly want from her?

“I don’t know why you did what you did. But if it’s something you want from Lexa I just want to make sure you understand that she’s not changing. She’s happy as a woman and she’s happy to be in a loving family for once. So whatever it is you and Nia want I’m telling you now if it’s more pain, leave her be.”

Titus doesn’t reply immediately. Instead he clasps his hands behind his back and tilts his head up, eerily reminiscent of Lexa. “She is very lucky to have such a caring girlfriend.” He says simply. “If you must know, my wife disapproved of my efforts at talking to her. Also of paying for Anya. But I did not do that for Lexa. I did it for my brother and my niece.”

“You said it was payback for what Gustus did. Taking Lexa in.”

“In a way, yes. He helped Alexander when she needed it the most. Even though I was too blind to see it. This was me doing the same for Anya. I did not do it to earn points with Alexander. If she wishes to reconnect with me then I will be pleased all the same.”

“Her name is Lexa.” Clarke grits out through bared teeth. “You’re not going to earn any points if you don’t respect her.”

“I-I apologize. It’s a lot to take in.”

“It’s really not. Her name is Lexa not Alexander.”

“You do not know what it is like when your child becomes someone else. It is not simple to call her Lexa.”

“You’re right I don’t know what it is like to raise a child like you did. Cause if I were you I wouldn’t have kicked out my child for being trans.”

“I am not here to fight Clarke. I am simply saying I need time to process this information.”

“I suggest you process faster. Because I won't let you disrespect her to her face.”

For a moment there she thinks she’s gone too far. Titus purses his lips and looks at her haughtily.

“It was nice meeting you Clarke.”

He turns without another word and walks off, not even interested in listening to Clarke a moment longer.

…

There’s a scar on her sister’s scalp. There’s a scar where they drilled into her skull to save her. There’s a scar but there it is, the rapid up and down of her chest as she breathes. She can hear the echo of her heart beat monitor, a steady reminder that the end that was so close for her is now a distant thought.

Anya is alive.

Anya is going to be alright.

Her eyes flutter awake and the family gasps. Anya groans loudly, her eyes are unfocused and wide. She looks around at the faces of her family. Indra and Gustus rushes to her side instantly.

“Anya! You’re awake!” Indra gushes, her hand flies to cup Anya’s face. She kisses the top of her head and holds her tight. “You’re awake. You’re awake.” She repeats like a mantra.

“What happened?” Anya asks blearily.

“You had a car accident. You’ve been in a coma for the past week. Take it easy.” Gustus says. His voice is calm, resolute but Lexa can make out the tears in his eyes.

“You scared us, don’t ever do that again.” Lincoln says, making his way to Anya’s bedside. Lexa follows him close behind. She doesn’t trust her emotions enough to speak. She had thought she had cried herself dry but the tears are still there, prickling her eyes.

“Anya.” She croaks. “You’re alive.” She takes Anya’s hand in hers and squeezes tight. Anya squeezes back weakly, still not at full strength yet but the sentiment rings through regardless. _I’m here._

The doctor returns to find the family hovering over Anya, faces stricken with happy tears. He clears his throat and they dismantle slowly from Anya’s side.

“Dr Lambert she’s awake!” Gustus shouts.

Dr Lambert gives him a smile and moves to inspect Anya. “I see that. We’re glad to see you awake Anya. You gave us all quite a scare.”

Anya nods. “I don’t remember what happened.” She slumps back on the bed tiredly. She stares at the ceiling, her face twisted in a grimace.

“You were unconscious when the paramedics arrived, now you have to take it easy. You got out of a brain surgery a couple of hours ago. Your body has gone through a lot.”

“How long till I recover completely?”

“It will take a while. Your leg was broken, along with a couple of ribs. We’ll be closely monitoring your progress though to make sure you’re up and moving as soon as your body allows it.” Anya’s eyes are drifting shut before he can finish and Dr Lambert smiles at the sight. He turns to Gustus and says, “She’s tired. Best to let her sleep now.”

Gustus nods and puts his hand over Anya’s forehead, he kneels down to press a kiss to it. “Get some rest. We’ll be waiting for you when you wake up.”

But Anya’s already out like a light.

She does not expect to find Titus waiting with Clarke and Octavia in the waiting room. Clarke looks positively murderous and Lexa wonders if Titus has already fallen back into old habits. She narrows her eyes at him, challenging him to repeat whatever it is he did to Clarke. She catches up to Clarke and holds her hand gently to snap her out of her foul mood.

“Hey. Are you okay?” she asks.

“Yeah fine. Just tired. How was Anya?”

“Anya’s awake!” Lincoln shouts jovially upon seeing them. He puts his arms around Octavia, lifting her off her feet.

“That’s great! I’m so happy.”

“And it’s all thanks to Uncle Titus.” Lincoln claps a hand on Titus’ back and pulls him in for an awkward hug. Lexa finds herself smiling having remembered just how adverse Titus is towards physical touching. It almost takes her back to her childhood. Of the day Titus comforted her after a fight with her mom and initiated a hug despite himself. The sudden memory shocks her for a brief moment. She thought it lost to the trials of time like sand in an hourglass, but here it suddenly is, jolting her back to a life, long thought lost.

Now here she is staring at him, wondering if it is truly possible for people to change for the better. Turn over a new leaf. All that jazz. Before she gets ahead of herself she knows she owes him a talk at the very least.

“I’m gonna go talk to him.” Lexa announces to Clarke.

Clarke falters for a moment, her face undergoes a myriad of emotions in a split second before finally nodding once. “If you need an out, just let me know and we’ll be right out of here.”

“Will do.” Lexa leans in for a chaste kiss but lingers against Clarke’s lips trying to summon her strength through Clarke.

She turns and walks to Titus, straightening her back and clasping her hands behind her back. Titus who is still conversing with Lincoln notices her approach and straightens up himself.

“Lincoln do you mind if I talk to Titus in private for a moment?” she asks. Lincoln looks at her in shock for a moment. He nods dumbly and steps aside.

“Titus.” She looks at him squarely.

“Alex-Lexa.” Titus’ eyes dart to Clarke’s narrow eyes behind her for a moment and comprehension appears in Lexa’s eyes. So this was the topic of conversation between them while Lexa was away.

“Why did you do it?” she blurts out. She came hoping to have a calm reasonable discussion but the fire in her couldn’t let it be.

“Why did I do what?” he asks instead.

“You know. Why did you pay for Anya’s treatment?”

“I helped my family because they needed it. I wasn’t going to let her die.”

“Except you left me to die.” Lexa bites out. “You kicked me out of my home and beat me for being who I am.”

“You may think the worst of me but I have grown from that day as well. I feel bad about what happened-”

“You feel bad? I would have been homeless if it weren’t for Gus!”

“I recognize I hurt you in ways I should not be forgiven for. I want to do right by you now. Is that not enough?”

Lexa sighs and rubs her temples in frustration. “I have not forgiven you for that day.”

“As well you shouldn’t. What I did- what we did- it was horrible. I have beaten myself up for it ever since. But give me a chance now. Let us talk. Let us heal. All I ask is you give me a chance to prove myself.”

“And what does Nia think about you reaching out to me?”

“She-she’s not the biggest fan of what I did. What I want to do. But I am my own man.”

“Shame you didn’t have this backbone when I first needed you.”

Titus doesn’t reply immediately, instead shifts his eyes to his boots, ashamed.

“I’m sorry.” He whispers finally. “I just want to be back in your life. In my-my daughter’s life.”

Lexa is more shocked than ecstatic that he referred to her as his daughter. It softens her resolve and for once she doesn’t care if she’s walking into a trap.

“I’m only doing this because you helped Anya. But fine what do you have in mind.”

“We could meet for lunch. Just the two of us. Talk it out.”

Lexa nods once. “I think I can do that.”

…

Between Anya’s steady recovery and university exams, Clarke and Lexa don’t have a whole lot of time to themselves. Most of their time is spent in Clarke’s apartment studying. Clarke’s favourite studying spot, she discovers, is in Lexa’s arms.

With each day the love she holds for Lexa grows stronger. And she knows the day she can't hold it back anymore is fast approaching. She wants the revelation to happen naturally. But on the mornings when she wakes up before Lexa, on the days Lexa brings her leftovers from work, on the evenings where she falls asleep in her arms, she almost blurts it out. It grows into a monster in her head, threatening to break out and swallow them both whole.

When she’s not revelling in Lexa’s warmth she wonders why it is she’s so scared of saying those three little words. Lexa’s not Finn who abused her trust. She knows that by now. But still it scares her. Mostly what scares her is how strongly she feels for Lexa after only five months of dating.

It does happen on the day Lexa takes her to play soccer. It’s a rare day off for both of them and Lexa hasn’t forgotten the promise she made to teach Clarke how to play months ago.

“Use the side of your foot to pass it to me. Watch me do it.” Lexa passes the ball with ease and it lands on her feet with pinpoint precision. She follows suit, passing the ball like Lexa did and cheers when it falls on Lexa’s feet.

She has no soccer training whatsoever. She’s never even kicked a ball. Even the rules are hazy to her. Then again she does lay her lack of experience on a little thick to get Lexa’s attention. She watches Clarke shoot the ball into their makeshift goal with a teacher’s pride.

“You’ve got it!” Lexa jogs over to her breathlessly. She kisses her briefly and takes the ball.

“Show me some moves.” Clarke grins. Lexa complies with a blush. She does a few trick shots and dribbles it with some flair. When Clarke moves to tackle her for the ball, Lexa does an effortless roulette leaving Clarke in the dust.

“Show off.”

“You asked for it.” Lexa slows down and passes her the ball. “Let’s play some one on one.”

“You’re gonna beat me black and blue.” Clarke rolls her eyes.

“I’ll go easy on you c’mon.”

Clarke just laughs and nods.

As far as the game goes, Clarke puts up an honourable fight for a beginner. The score is 9 to 3 with whoever scoring 10 first winning. Clarke follows Lexa as she runs for goal. She slides down last minute just as Lexa is about to shoot but mistimes it. Lexa shoots and scores before going down with a thud as Clarke tackles her. She falls on top of Clarke breathless, the game forgotten. Lexa has never looked more beautiful to Clarke. She’s a force to be reckoned with on the pitch with her effortless grace. She oozes power every time on the pitch. It’s a silent kind of command that she holds. She has no doubt that on match days most eyes would be glued on her girl. She suddenly feels jealous to have never seen her play. Now she understands all the medals and accolades.

Clarke reaches up to brush some hair behind Lexa’s ear. She presses a kiss to her sweaty forehead.

Lexa blushes bright and ducks her head shyly. The action is so endearing that Clarke melts all over again.

And she feels it is time.

“I love you.” She says.

Lexa stops panting and stares wide eyed. The moment hangs between them, heavy. And Clarke thinks she’s read the sighs all wrong. It’s too soon. Lexa doesn’t love her back. All of her worst case scenarios come to life in that split second. Clarke almost takes it back. But finally Lexa cracks an ear splitting grin.

“I love you too.”

Clarke releases a breath she didn’t know she was holding. She smiles back before going in for a longer kiss, the game long forgotten. She needs Lexa like she’s never needed her before. Her desire is hot, molten in her veins, raging destruction in its wake.

“Take me home Lex.”

…

Clarke loves her. Clarke Griffin is in love with Lexa Woods. The words feel alien in her brain. She’d thought herself unlovable. A girl with her baggage? A trans woman? All her life she’d heard people talk about how impossible a feat that was. But here she is now holding the hand of the woman she loves. She feels a giddiness in her bones.

She leads Clarke into her apartment and Clarke wastes no time attaching herself to Lexa. They kiss like it’s their first time only breaking away when they gasp for air. They fall back on the bed mouths still hungrily attached to one another. Lexa is painfully hard by now and Clarke moans when she notices. She fishes out her cock and pumps it once.

“Inside.” Clarke whines. She feels so needy for her girl she can barely think straight.

Lexa complies, hastily peeling off their clothes one by one until finally, _finally_ they are bare. Clarke is wet enough for her to slide through on the first try. They stay like that for a moment silently appreciating the warmth and the stretch. Finally Lexa begins thrusting. It’s slow at first until she builds to a crescendo and they move together. Clarke meets her thrusts each time. It isn’t long until they’re both moaning loudly signalling the end.

“I’m close.” Lexa pants.

“Me too.”

Lexa starts to rub Clarke’s clit and she arches off the bed in pleasure. She comes with a shout and the pleasure in her veins is white hot, unlike anything she has ever felt. Lexa comes soon after spurting cum inside her. The feeling of Lexa’s cum inside her jumpstarts another orgasm for Clarke. She moans sinfully loud and Lexa gently eases her off, swallowing the last of Clarke’s whimpers with a fiery kiss.

“That was…” Clarke pants. Lexa collapses on the bed next to Clarke and grins happily.

“The best I’ve ever had.” Lexa finishes for her.

“It really was. I don’t think I can walk.”

“Forget walking. I can't even think straight.”

Clarke turns to face Lexa and trails a finger down her chin and between the swells of her breasts.

“God I love you. I’ve loved you for so long. I wanted to tell you long ago but I didn’t want to become those stereotypical lesbians.” Clarke laughs.

“I think I fell for you the night I told you about me being trans. No one has ever just accepted me like that. I remember thinking she’s the one.”

“The one huh?”

“Is that too much?”

“No.” Clarke smiles. “I think you’re the one for me too.”

…

Now that she’s said those words, she finds she can't stop saying them. Every conversation however minuscule ends with ‘I love you.’

(“Baby can you pass me the salt?”

“Sure.”

“I love you.”)

(“I got an A on my assignment.”

“Oh my god congratulations I love you so much.”)

(“What do you want for dinner?”

“Anything you want, love”)

 She finds that Clarke doesn’t mind one bit about the overabundance of love she has taken to professing. In fact Clarke does the same on every occasion as well. It feels a little dorky but their love story has always been cheesy. Girl meets girl in a gym. Girls fall hopelessly in love with each other at first sight. It’s like all the great ones.

Needless to say though, their friends can't help but gag each other they gaze at each other and gush about their love. Even Anya, still confined to the hospital bed, was so thoroughly disgusted by Lexa and Clarke’s antics that she had the nurses called in to her room to rescue her.

But Lexa simply can't help it. Each declamation brings an eerie calm over her. She feels she can do anything whenever the words are uttered.

And as the day she meets Titus finally approaches she needs Clarke’s love more than ever.

“I don’t know why I ever agreed to this.” She says fixing the collar of her button down shirt. “What if he just lets me down again?”

“Think of it like this, this is the last chance you’re ever giving him. And if he does let you down again it won't matter as much as the last time. Because you have an even bigger support system.”

“I know it won't hurt as much but-” Lexa sighs and plops down on the bed next to Clarke. “I had high hopes in the middle before today. I-I missed him Clarke. He wasn’t the best dad. But he was better than Nia. We had plenty of good times the two of us. Gustus was a good caretaker in the years since but in my mind I still think of Titus as my dad. No matter how much I say otherwise.”

“Oh Lex.” Clarke coos cupping her cheeks. Lexa kisses her palm. “I think he truly wants you back in his life. And he’s willing to accept you as a woman for it as well. I don’t know about Nia but after thinking about it I’m willing to give Titus the benefit of the doubt.”

“What did you say to him that day at the hospital?”

“What makes you think we talked at all?”

“Clarke. I know you. I know you said something.”

Clarke sighs. “I told him to respect your choice to transition and call you Lexa.”

“So what made you change your mind about him?”

“I saw the way he looked at you. I saw the love that’s still there. And you said he called you Lexa.”

“Thank you. For looking out for me. No one outside of my family has ever defended me like that.”

“I love you.” Clarke smiles.

“I love you more.”

…

Titus has chosen a small café for their lunch meeting. Her talk with Clarke has calmed down the nerves but she still finds herself pacing near the entrance. Finally, like a band aid she decides to pull it off and get on with it. She enters the café and spots his shining bald head by the corner and involuntarily smiles to herself.

She remembers getting lost in the mall once when she was a child and spotting that same shiny bald head in the crowd. The relief she felt, knowing he was always there was like a revelation.

“Titus.” She greets. Titus whips his head from the menu and stands up immediately. And Lexa is surprised to see him outstretching his arms in a hug. But it is too much too soon.

“Not yet.” She stops him and she sees the disappointment clear as day in his face. He nods once and puts down his arms.

“Lexa it is good to see you.” He says. He says her name gingerly like he is still trying to get a feel of it.

“I don’t know yet.” She replies honestly.

“Know what?”

“Whether it is good to see you. You have a lot of work to do before that.”

Titus nods slowly. “I guess that is fair. But let’s not be hostile to each other while I prove myself to you.”

“That much I can do.”

They order their lunch and after that an uncomfortable silence befalls the table. Despite their civility towards each other it becomes painfully obvious that Titus is walking on eggshells around her. Once or twice she sees him open his mouth to speak before closing it again.

“Okay just say it.” She groans finally. “Whatever you have to ask just do it I promise I won't get mad.”

“Your girlfriend asked me to respect you. I’m just trying to follow her advice.”

“I’m happy that you are but your silence is killing me so just ask and I’ll decide if its disrespectful.”

“When did you start your transition? Are you sure it’s safe?”

“I’ve been on estrogen for 2 years and 6 months. Yes it is safe. I have regular appointments with my doctors and blood tests every year.”

“It’s just that I’ve been doing some reading and some of the side effects seem serious.”

“A lot of information online can be fake or written by transphobes. Yes there are side effects but nothing as bad as the stuff you’ve read.”

“I see. Well if the doctors are monitoring you I trust their judgement.”

“Thank you.” Lexa feels surprised at how agreeable Titus is being in regards to her transition. She expected more resistance. But whether he’s luring her in with false hope remains to be seen.

Their food arrives at that moment and the conversation lulls. Lexa is thankful. She gets needlessly defensive once the question of her transition’s safety comes into question. 

“What are you studying in university? I am really proud of you by the way.”

“Thank you.” She takes a sip of her drink. “I’m studying criminology. I want to join the police after graduation.”

Titus chokes on his food for a brief second and Lexa inwardly readies herself for his disapproval.

“The police? Well wow. Following your uncle Gustus’ steps are we?”

“They helped me on the darkest day of my life. I want to do the same for other people.” Lexa says pointedly. Titus hangs his head in shame.

“I-”

“Save it. I’ve heard your apologies. Actions speak louder than words.”

“And how am I doing so far?” Titus whispers, timidly.

“So far… so good.” She smiles politely.

“I’m really trying Lexa.” He says.

“I can tell.” Lexa polishes off the last of her pasta and wipes her mouth. “How is Aden?”

Titus freezes in his spot. He looks up from his plate and gulps.

“He- he is good. He asks about you. About his older brother.”

“And what have you told him?”

“That we had a fight with you and you won't be coming back.”

The words shouldn’t come as a shock to Lexa but it still does. She’s never thought in such absolutes in regards to her younger brother. She has always thought they would somehow meet again once he is older. She has always been his family.

“Did you tell him why?”

“No.” Titus mumbles. “Nia doesn’t want him to know. She thinks it will influence him negatively.”

“And what do you think?”

Titus pauses. “I think it is time for him to know the truth.” He says slowly.

“That’s always been your problem Titus. You never could stand up to Nia.”

Titus doesn’t reply for a while. Instead he looks off to the distance with a pained expression.

“I’m here talking to you aren’t I?”

“I guess we’re both doing things we shouldn’t be doing.”

“Why shouldn’t you be talking to me?” Titus asks suddenly bringing his attention back to Lexa.

“Because you hurt me immeasurably. You kicked me out of my home. You beat me for being trans. I shouldn’t forgive you. I shouldn’t. But I guess I always had a soft spot for you.”

She sees tears forming in his eyes. He wipes it but they’re coming in too fast.

“Thank you for giving me a chance.”

“Don’t waste it.”

They don’t order dessert, the conversation has been far too taxing on each other. Tiredness is evident in their eyes. But Lexa feels like she has accomplished something. They’ve taken a step towards healing their relationship.

“So what is next?” she asks.

“We could have lunch again in a few weeks. I was thinking we can make this a regular thing. Today was good. For us.”

“It was. I’ll admit that. Alright we can have lunch again.”

Titus smiles for what feels like the first time that day. In fact she can't even recall a time from her past where he smiled so brightly. It’s infectious and she can't help but smile back.

For the first time in a long time, her heart feels at ease. She has the girl. She has her sister back. And now she has her dad.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait. Life got in the way and I dealt with some writer's block. I'm nervous about this chapter, I'm not too keen on it but I figured might as well publish it. I'll try to update regularly from now on. Enjoy and thank you for the comments/kudos. They keep me going.


	9. Chapter 9

For the next couple of weeks Lexa’s life is on an upwards trajectory. Anya, having more or less healed her broken leg is walking again, not to mention her other injuries have also healed. She meets Titus for lunch every Saturday. Now that her exams are over, she spends most days with Clarke. She doesn’t even remember the last time she spent the day alone in her apartment.

The most surprising thing about her new routine is Titus. In fact she finds herself looking forward to their lunch meetings. She keeps waiting for the ball to drop. For him to go back to being the man she hated for so long. But he surprises her every time. She’ll admit it, she’s starting to like him again. He’s been respectful of her transition. He hasn’t dead named her once. He’s even referred to her as her daughter a couple of times. She still calls him Titus though. Some wounds take longer to heal. But their mutual civility is nice.

Clarke and the rest of the family are happy about the new turn of events. They welcome each meeting with Titus and ask her on their progress, devolving into smiles as Lexa relays the events. It is Anya however who is most mistrustful of Titus despite knowing it was his hand that allowed her to walk again.

“I just don’t get why he is so interested all of a sudden.” She huffs and takes a seat on her couch. It’s her first day back at her own apartment. The rest of the family including Clarke has already called it a night.

“He said he’s been thinking about it for a while. But seeing you made him realize he should do it sooner in case-”

“What? In case you die?”

“Near death experiences has a way of bringing people together Ahn.”

“I don’t trust him. Moreover I don’t trust Nia.”

“Nia doesn’t approve of this.”

“So Titus is going behind Nia’s back?” Anya whistles lowly and raises her eyebrows. She ponders for a brief moment. “I still don’t trust the whole thing even if he has grown some balls for once.”

“Well I didn’t either at first. But now I think what would even be the point of getting back on my good side if he wanted to betray me again.”

“You can never tell with evil people.” Anya says murderously.

“Anya.” Lexa shakes her head with a small smile. “Nia might be evil but jury’s still out on Titus.”

“You know what you need? A token of proof that he does have your best interests at heart.”

“He’s been really supportive so far. Isn’t that proof enough?”

“Pfft.” Anya waves her hand through the air. “Anyone can do that. You need something tangible.”

“I feel like this is more for you than me.”

“No it’s for you too. I know you little sister. I know you still have doubts.”

Lexa sighs and reaches for her beer bottle. She takes a long gulp and settles back. “Okay what do you have in mind?”

“Dad said Aden asked about you?”

“Yeah. He wanted to know where I was.”

“That’s your proof right there. Next time you meet Titus tell him you want to meet Aden. And if he agrees then that means he’s serious about this. If he’s weird about it then- well- it tells you all you need to know.”

Lexa is thoughtful for a moment. She’d be lying if she said the idea never occurred to her. But hearing it from another person it doesn’t seem as crazy as she initially thought. In fact, like puzzle pieces it all falls into place perfectly.

“Alright. I’ll do it.”

Anya just grins and clinks her glass of water with Lexa’s with triumphant glee.

…

She doesn’t quite know how to spring the plan into action. She’s been sitting at lunch with Titus for an hour at this point and the clock has been nearing to an end but the magic words still eludes her. She tried once already but the conversation steered into Lexa’s winter plans instead.

Finally it’s Titus who leads her into a perfect moment.

“Are you okay? You keep looking at your watch.”

“Huh? Oh no I’m fine. I just-just-” Lexa takes a deep breath to steady herself. “I want to see Aden.”

Titus chokes on his water. He coughs and thumps his chest a couple of times to recover. Finally he says a little breathlessly, “Aden? Where did this come from?”

“It’s just been a while since we started doing this. And I think the best course of action to better our relationship would be for us all to reconnect.”

“I- hmm.” Titus taps the back of his head and coughs. “I guess you’re right. I just don’t see Nia agreeing to this. She already disapproves of this.” He gestures to the space between them.

“Wasn’t your whole point to reconnect? I assumed that included my little brother.” Her voice raises by the tiniest of octaves and Titus is already reeling back.

“It was meant to be a slow thing Lexa. We’ve only been talking for a month. These things take time. How am I meant to explain to him that he doesn’t have an older brother anymore but a sister? How will he understand?”

“That’s all you have to do. Explain. Children understand a lot more than we give them credit for. If I knew I was a girl at 10 then he can understand it at the age of 9.”

All it sounds like to her is excuses and Lexa has to hold herself back not to make a scene at her favourite restaurant.

“It’s not that easy.”

“It really is Titus. Or better yet you can bring him here and I can explain it if you’re too chickenshit to do it.”

“I’m not- chickenshit- I’m just- this is a big thing to dump on a child.”

“You know what I think Titus? I think the real reason you’re scared is because you’ll have to explain that you kicked me out of the house for being a girl. And you’re terrified Aden will learn that his parents are a bunch of bigots.” She delivers the killing blow with a self-satisfied smile on her face and leans back on her chair to properly watch the myriad of emotions unfurling on Titus’ face. She sees anger, grief and finally, strangely enough, acceptance.

“You would make a good cop. You always get what you want.” He mumbles.

“I know how to read people. I had to learn to survive.”

“I will explain it to him to the best of my ability. But if he asks you any intrusive questions I will not take the blame.”

“I will be happy to explain anything he wants.”

“Fine then next Sunday I will bring him here.”

“Thank you Titus.”

“Lexa.” He runs his hand over his bald head and his expression saddens. He looks so pitiful for a split second that Lexa actually feels bad for harassing him. “I’m not a bigot. I-I might have been one years ago but I’m really trying here.”

Her hand moves on its own accord surprising even her. She takes his hand in hers and runs her fingers over the rough callouses. It’s the first time she’s touched him in years and it doesn’t fill her with any joyous emotions. She just feels sad for her father and perhaps a bit regretful of her earlier words.

“I’m sorry. That might have been out of line. I know you are trying. You’ve been doing well.”

“Thank you for recognizing that. Sometimes I feel like I am running in blind and I falter. But I have my child back in my life and I will do anything to make sure it remains that way. Please know that.”

“I know.” She retracts her hand and they both look around awkwardly. Lexa coughs in her hand and finishes the rest of her water in one long gulp. “I should go. I look forward to seeing you and Aden next week.”

Titus nods once. “We’ll be here.”

…

Clarke knew in her mind one day their honeymoon period will end. They’ve lasted almost 6 months on cloud nine with small insignificant fights along the way. She was a fool to think they’d always be on the same page.

Lexa is pacing her apartment and Clarke remains on the couch watching her with tired eyes.

“She invited us. We can't just not go.” Lexa says as she walks.

“Yeah we can. We just don’t show up. It’s that easy.” Clarke huffs folding her arms on her chest.

“She’s your mother.”

“Exactly. It’s my mother. I don’t understand why you’re getting so worked up over it.”

Lexa stops and looks at her with her hand on her hip. “It’s her birthday. You’re all she has.”

“I am not looking to be in a room with the both of you after last time.”

“Then I won't go. You go.”

“And listen to her give me shit about my choice in partners? No thanks.”

“Maybe she’s changed her mind Clarke. That might be why she invited me.”

“You clearly don’t know my mother. She never changes her mind.”

“You don’t know that.”

Clarke decides to get up. She inches closer to Lexa and raises her voice. “I know my mother very well Lexa. She’s invited you over so you can see what it’s like to be a rich doctor and change your mind about being a cop. It’s all a trick. My mother wants me to have the perfect rich family with the white picket fence. And she’s gonna try her fucking best to get it come hell or highwater!”

“She’s your mom Clarke.” Lexa whispers.

“I don’t get why you of all people can't understand why meeting my mom is not good for my mental health.”

“Maybe I’ve changed my mind on keeping parents in your life.” Lexa says haughtily crossing her arms.

“Oh? So if I tell you to meet Nia you’ll go?”

“That’s not the same and you know it.”

“How is it not the same?”

“Nia doesn’t want to reach out to me. Abby wants to meet you.”

“There are different types of bad parents Lexa. Just because my mom wants to meet me doesn’t mean she’s a good parent.”

“You know what Clarke? You’re so hell-bent on not meeting her yet you cater to her whims in your everyday life. I don’t get you!” For the first time in her life, Lexa raises her voice at her. Clarke is shocked for a moment before her anger returns tenfold. It seeps into every pore and she can feel her veins popping out in sheer rage.

“What the fuck does that mean?”

“It means you’re studying to be a doctor when it’s the last thing you want to do. You say she enforces all these expectations but here you are doing exactly as she wants. If you really wanted to keep her out of your life you’d do what you wanted.”

“You know full well why I do that.”

“No! I really don’t! I can't see you suffering everyday doing something you hate. Take a loan. Be independent. If she really is a bad parent it should be easy cutting her off.”

“I can't do that!”

“Why not!?” Lexa snarls, baring her teeth.

“Cause I still love her alright? She’s still my mother. What am I gonna be if she abandons me? An orphan? I only have Raven and Octavia. You have a whole support system.”

She can see the gears shifting in Lexa’s head. She’s not a raging beast anymore. Instead her expression drops. She looks at her hands helplessly and sighs with her whole body.

“You have me. My support system is your support system. I just want you to be happy Clarke. Can't you see that?” Lexa’s voice drops back to its usual volume and the change is so sudden, it leaves Clarke confused. They were just in the middle of a fight.

“You have a funny way of showing it sometimes.” Clarke bites out. She can't help it. Her whole body and mind is primed for a fight. With Finn it would be explosive. So much so that neighbours had a habit of calling the cops on them. And it would be so often on topics varying from how loudly Clarke chewed to how hard she worked at university. It was always about Clarke and how terrible she was.

Clarke still feels the remnants of that failed relationship in herself. Even though Lexa has proved time and time again how unlike Finn she is, she still feels it.

“I’m sorry for shouting!” Clarke shouts. She sees the corner of Lexa’s lips turn upward but it’s gone in a flash and she darts forward to put her hands on her shoulders.

“Look I see your problem okay? I just- Clarke you can't seriously go through life doing something you hate just because of your mother. I can't allow you to be so unhappy.”

Clarke takes a moment to stare into green eyes. Eyes always so earnest, so eager to please. Something breaks in her. She puts her head on Lexa’s chest and wraps her arms around her.

“What can I do?” she whispers in between tears.

“You can take a student loan and get a job. You can go up to your mother with me right behind you and tell her you’re doing this whether she likes it or not. She can get in line right behind you or leave. And you’ll have me. Raven. Octavia. Anya. Lincoln. Indra. Gustus. Everyone’s on your side. You’re never gonna be an orphan.”

Clarke pulls back and sniffles. Lexa reaches over to wipe off the tears in her eyes.

“What if I’m not good enough? What if I really just suck at art to be anything professional? What if I throw away my only shot at a good life?” Clarke has never bared her soul. Her very being, like this before. This is her, all her deepest fears and worries out in the open. All for Lexa to see and probably be disgusted by.

“I don’t know much about art. But I know talent when I see it. And you’ve got it. When I see your paintings I feel like I’m there. Like it’s a part of your soul. You’re good enough. No you’re better than good enough. And it’s only a good life if you’re not miserable during it.”

Lexa always surprises her. Which shouldn’t be a surprise to her anymore. Whether it’s breakfast in bed in mornings or buying her a new set of paints with her meagre weekly pay check. She always felt like she was a queen courtesy of Lexa’s affections.

“You’re too good you know?”

“I know.” Lexa jokes.

Clarke lightly punches her on the arm. “It’s your humility. That always wins me over.”

“I know.” Lexa repeats with a wide grin. “So will you go to her birthday dinner?”

“I guess I will. You don’t have to come if you don’t want to.”

“I want to. I can't let you do this all by yourself.”

“I have to look into some things first. I’ll probably lose a couple of years redoing art.”

“You really want to do this? And not because I’m pestering you about it?”

“Lex I dream about doing this. Every moment I spend in the labs all I think is coming home to my studio and painting. I guess I just needed a push.” She kisses Lexa and rests her forehead against hers. “I love you.”

“Good. I love you too.” Lexa bumps their noses together and smiles. “I’ll be with you every step of the way. I can help you with getting a loan. I’ve done it before.”

“Alright.” Clarke grins. “We’re really doing this aren’t we?”

“Yup.”

…

In the morning she wakes before Lexa and she takes a moment to herself to truly go through the events of last night. The fight, the resolution, the new life she is paving out for herself. It was Clarke’s dad that got her into painting. He’d always encouraged it much to her mother’s chagrin. But she’d been good at it and her mother eventually accepted her hobby as long as it remained a hobby.

Now here she is breaking her promises to her mother. But Lexa’s words reverberate in her head. No here she is doing something for herself for a change. Here she is not catering to her mother’s suffocating desires.

It’s always been the problem of adulthood hasn’t it? Do something you love and survive by meagre means or do something you hate and live lavishly. Die poor but happy or die rich but miserable. She looks at Lexa’s peaceful slumbering face and thinks of their future.

Her as an artist, Lexa as a cop. They have their own little house a little far out in the suburbs. A dog or two running around. Perhaps even a child of their own. With Lexa’s eyes and her soft brown curls. She’s thought about it once before and decided she wants their child to look more like Lexa. It doesn’t feel like an impossible dream, in fact it seems more like reality. Something tangible, almost touchable. She’s only 21, marriage and kids should be a distant possibility. But it only feels right. Lexa is the one.

So that’s it she decides. She’ll do art. She’ll pick die poor but happy. Being with Lexa she has had her first real taste of happiness since her dad died. And now that she’s tasted it she never wants to let go.

She settles back below the covers and kisses the tip of Lexa’s nose. Lexa furrows her brows in her sleep and burrows further under the blanket mumbling something in her sleep. Clarke just smiles.

When they wake up some time later it’s a bustle of activity. Clarke emails her student advisor while Lexa calls the bank.

She’s near the end of her second year so she has to tack on two more years of college if she wants to switch to art. It’s not ideal but it is what it is. She welcomes new classes in art for a change. The usual dread she associates with university flutters away. She has to change degrees and pay for the new semester with her loan. Thankfully the new semester begins in two months and she has enough time to get everything in order. Still it is a daunting humungous task that has befallen her and the nerves occasionally get the better of her. Thankfully Lexa is there to shake it out of her whenever the need arrives.

She spends the rest of the day at university running from building to building with her hands full of papers, Lexa running right behind her.

When they fall into bed later that night they are both tired but content at having finished a lot of the work in regards to Clarke’s transition to art. Lexa closes her eyes first and her breathing evens out. But Clarke is still giddy from the day’s events. The more it becomes a reality the more she thinks of her little dream from the morning. Living life as an artist with Lexa by her side. She’s wanted nothing more.

“Lex?”

“Hm?”

“I had a little dream this morning about us.”

“What’d you dream about?” Lexa still has her eyes closed but there’s a shy smile on her face reassuring Clarke that she has her full attention.

“Me as an artist and you as a cop. With two German shepherds.”

“Mm I like that dream.”

“And a kid. Of our own.” Clarke watches Lexa’s face with bated breath.

Lexa’s eyes flutter open suddenly and where Clarke expects panic, she sees curiosity instead.

“A kid?” she asks.

“Is this too soon?”

“Well we are lesbians after all.” Lexa jokes. “But uh what was the kid like?” she asks shyly.

“A girl. With your eyes and your hair. We’d have a backyard where she can learn soccer from you.”

“And a studio with paints so she can paint with you.” Lexa adds immediately. Clarke smiles. “I always wanted a girl with your eyes though.”

“Always? You mean you’ve thought of this before?”

“Sometimes, like a fleeting thought. This is too soon isn’t it?”

“We are lesbians.” Clarke repeats Lexa’s earlier sentiment with a smile. “But it’s something to look forward to isn’t it?”

Lexa kisses her briefly and grins. “It is.”

Something in that moment settles in Clarke’s chest. She no longer fears her mother’s ire at being disobeyed. She only feels peace and happiness.

…

Sunday comes too soon. Lexa is busy helping Clarke but the thought of meeting Aden looms overhead like an insistent dark cloud. It’s just nerves she surmises but the dread settling in her stomach still makes her insides lurch uncomfortably. Clarke offers to come but Lexa declines. She knows. Some paths she must walk alone.

When she arrives at the café she looks to their usual table. Sure enough she sees Titus’ bald head shining with afternoon sun. And beside him a mop of blonde hair. Her legs carry her to the table and a hush falls over it immediately. Aden’s eyes are hesitant but Titus stands as he sees her. Aden follows.

“Lexa.” Titus says. He doesn’t seem as happy to see her as usual. In fact his eyebrows are crumpled and he looks more worried than anything. Her heart sinks. Perhaps Aden hasn’t been as receptive to the news as she expected. She feels some bile at the back of her throat.

Aden is going to reject her. He’s going to dead name her and call her he and-

“This is Lexa?” Aden asks and Titus nods. “Hi Lexa! It’s really nice to meet you.” He pulls her into a hug, his little arms going around her and squeezing.

It takes the breath out of her chest momentarily. She stands there stunned for a second before putting her own arms around him and holding him. She looks at Titus who looks relieved, he cracks a rare smile and nods at her. She nods back with an ear splitting grin on her face.

“C’mon let’s sit down lil bro.” Lexa says. Aden lets go and takes a seat next to her.

She expects questions about her transition regardless of how well he’s taken it but there are none. Aden just seems to be happy to have his sibling back in his life. He talks animatedly about his school and friends. Titus’ relief is palpable. He doesn’t speak much, he’s just content to sit back and watch his children interact again after so many years.

Finally Lexa can't take it anymore. Her morbid curiosity gets the better of her.

“So you’re okay with having an older sister instead of a brother?” She asks. Aden pauses his onslaught of chatter and looks at her.

“I didn’t get it at first but dad explained it to me. He said that’s why you left. And I didn’t want you to leave again so it’s okay. I just wanted my brother-uh-sister back.” Aden says matter-of-factly like the solution was always obvious.

A tear runs down Lexa’s cheek and she reaches over to hug him again.

“You don’t know how happy it makes me to hear that. I’m never leaving you again. I promise.” She says into his ear.

“I just want to make you happy again.” Aden says solemnly. He looks at her like he has the weight of the world on his shoulders. Like it’s all up to him to make sure she stays in their lives. It makes her heart full and break simultaneously. He’s just a 9 year old kid who doesn’t understand the adult world around him yet. It’s only black and white, the edges of his outlook hasn’t greyed as of yet even despite having Nia as a mother. She wants to shield him from the pain of the world, capture his innocence in her heart for as long as humanely possible.

“I am happy again Aden. Because I get to see you. And Titus. This is all I wanted.” She says hoping to put his worries at ease. She’s not leaving him again is what she hopes to convey. But she knows promises made of words are fickle, it’s actions that matter.

“Okay.” Aden smiles. “Why do you call dad Titus? Isn’t he your dad too?”

“We had a fight.” She says simply and looks over the table to look at Titus. “But we’re getting better.” She smiles.

“That doesn’t mean you get to call me Titus when we fight.” Titus jokes, looking pointedly at Aden.

Aden shakes his head vigorously, his mop of blonde hair falling over his eyes as he does so. “You’ll always be dad to me.”

Like all kids his attention is quickly diverted to tales of school. He wants to make sure Lexa catches up on all the years she has missed. And who is she to deny him that? She listens intently to him, asking the right questions that make him smile. Titus is happier than she’s ever seen him. He interrupts occasionally to correct Aden’s retelling of certain stories but for the most part he is quiet.

“Dad said you used to play soccer. Will you teach me? Dad can't even shoot. I want to learn before school starts again. Everyone else is better than me.”

“Well we can't have that. My little brother is gonna be better than them all.”

Aden grins. “Really? When can we start?”

Actions, she remembers, not words.

“Whenever you want. I am free any day.”

“O! Tomorrow can we start tomorrow?” He jumps in his seat, clapping his hands loudly.

“Sure. Titus? Is that okay?” Lexa asks. She doesn’t know if she’s allowed to be with him by herself. As ludicrous as it sounds. But she knows she still has to respect Titus.

“I have work till 5pm. We can meet at Turston Park at 6 if you are able.” Titus says.

It’s a day full of surprises indeed. At the back of her mind she still expects Titus to betray her somehow. Even though he has proven himself a couple of times by now. She smiles.

“Tomorrow at 6 it is then Aden.” She grins.

His answering smile keeps her up till early hours of the next day.

…

Teaching Aden how to play soccer is much like it was teaching Clarke. There’s less innuendos and butt grabbing however and it makes her miss the blonde something fierce. She wants them to meet but she doesn’t know if Titus will be keen on that. Their relationship might be on the upswing but she feels she has asked enough of Titus for at least a month.

Titus watches them from the side-lines. She can see the dark circles under his eyes and the occasional yawning but he watches them dutifully, clapping like a proud father whenever Aden nets a goal or dribbles with skill. When Aden takes a break to drink some water she goes to stand next to him.

“Thank you Titus. I can't express how happy it makes me to be here.” Lexa says softly.

“Likewise. I haven’t seen Aden so happy in years. It’s nice to see my kids together again.” He smiles. “I was still scared yesterday you know. He seemed to take the news well but I was still worried how he would receive you.”

“I was scared too for a moment there. But he’s a smart, sensitive kid. We don’t give them enough credit.”

“They’re simple. I wish adults were like that sometimes.” Titus says wistfully.

Lexa wonders for the first time if there’s trouble in paradise. Whether Nia and Titus are still happily married. She thinks of all the new daring things Titus is doing what with meeting her and reuniting her with Aden. Perhaps she thinks, things are not as perfect as she once thought.

But Aden calls her once again and she puts that thought aside for another day.

…

Lexa teaches Aden soccer every Sunday until his school starts once again. Every week their bond grows stronger and leaves Lexa wondering how she survived so many years without him. Even Titus she finds herself longing for. These days she even considers calling him dad again. It’s not a betrayal to Gustus. In fact her uncle would be happy to hear she’s crossed such a daunting bridge. She thinks of herself as someone with two dads.

Her girl meanwhile is still in the process of switching to art. It’s almost done. All she’s waiting for is an approval from the bank for her loan. Abby’s birthday is only a week away and the tickets to California have been bought. Only thing they are nervously awaiting is the approval. All of Clarke’s hopes are relying on a simple yes or no from the bank. Lexa assures her that a federal loan is almost always approved but that never stops Clarke’s errant mind from whirring out of control.

Spring is almost upon them and with it the start of a new semester slowly looms. Lexa is awoken one morning by a screeching Clarke. She stirs suddenly, yanking off the covers and running towards Clarke with a worried expression.

Clarke jumps on her with too much force and they almost topple over only to be saved by Lexa’s strong reflexes.

“Baby what’s wrong?” Lexa asks confused.

“I got it! I got the loan!” Clarke shouts.

“Oh my god Clarke! I’m so happy for you!” Lexa kisses her and Clarke is too happy, she returns the sentiment tenfold. She detaches from Lexa and jumps in joy. Lexa chuckles at the sight.

“We have so much to do! I have to go to the bank. We have to buy new paints! I’m almost out.” Clarke exclaims. “Baby I’m gonna be an art student!”

“You’re gonna be an art student.” Lexa can't help she joins Clarke in jumping up and down.

They spend the day going to the bank and finalizing all the details before going to an art shop. It’s a little outside their budget but Lexa just wants the best for her special girl.

“How about these?” Lexa holds up some oil paints. Clarke stops searching the aisles at looks at her wide eyed.

“These are way too expensive. Look at the prices.” Clarke says tapping on the price tag.

“I can chip in. It’ll be fine.” Lexa reassures.

“No. I can't ask you to do that. You haven’t saved up for your bottom surgery properly these past few months.”

Is it possible for her heart to melt when it’s already mush? Clarke finds new ways of achieving the impossible every day.

“It’s fine. I can chip in half and put the rest in the bank.”

“No Lex. I’ll do fine with these.” She holds up a set of oil paints priced lesser. It doesn’t look as shiny as the ones Lexa is holding but at Clarke’s determined expression, Lexa obliges, putting down the more expensive ones. “A good artist can make it work with just about anything.”

Lexa pulls Clarke by the hips and brings her closer. “So you finally see the light? You’re a good artist?”

“Maybe I’m starting to believe in myself.” Clarke murmurs shyly.

“Good.” She kisses the tip of Clarke’s nose. “How about some charcoal? I loved that sketch you did of me sleeping the other day.”

“I have a really good subject matter. What can I say? But sure.” Clarke reaches over to put some charcoals into the shopping basket.

Once the shopping’s over they go back to Clarke’s apartment to put everything away. Lexa watches Clarke rearrange all her supplies with a smile on her face.

“Are you ready for California?” Lexa asks. Clarke stops her ministrations to look at Lexa.

“I think so. It’s now or never yeah? I’m ready if the worst happens.” Clarke says. Lexa can see the nervousness Clarke is trying so hard to hide but she doesn’t comment.

“For what it’s worth I don’t think she’ll disown you.” She says slowly.

“Whatever she does I think I can take it. What about you? You ready in case shit hits the fan?”

“Of course.” Lexa says confidently. “She might be my future mother in law but I’m not scared to tell her off if the need arises.”

“Future mother in law huh?” Clarke grins slyly, flinging her legs around to straddle Lexa on the couch.

“Do you object?” Lexa ducks her head shyly.

“No that sounds about right.”

Lexa lets Clarke’s kisses consume her. She thinks of Clarke’s dream with the kids and the two German shepherds. And thinks yeah that sounds about right.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're nearing the end of the story. Only got a couple more chapters left. Next up California and Abby. As always thank you for the comments and kudos. I'm really happy you guys have been liking the story so far. It's been therapeutic to write this.


	10. Chapter 10

California brings with it a whirlwind of emotions. Abby sits atop Clarke’s mind. She’s never thought in a million years that she’d be disobeying her mother like this. She’s always had her life planned out by Abby. College, med school, doctor, chief of surgery, husband/wife, white picket fence, grandkids. It’s always been set in stone. But here she is disregarding all that. Here she is doing something she wants for a change. It has never been harder.

Lexa is cute in her insistence that plane rides do not scare her. But Clarke sees it in the white knuckled grip she has on the seat and the clench of her jaw. Every instance of turbulence has her huffing and puffing in her seat. Yet every time Clarke asks, Lexa just smiles tentatively and reassures her she’s fine. Finally she decides to take pity on her girlfriend and challenges her to a game of chess on her phone. It used to be her and Wells’ favourite pastime as children. It takes a couple of rounds for Lexa to learn the rules but eventually Clarke finds herself sweating when her turn comes up. Lexa is deviously smart. She takes her time strategizing and every move she takes has Clarke hanging on the edge of her seat. In another life she imagines Lexa as a military leader. It would suit her immensely. She sacrifices important pieces for key victories. Eventually Clarke finds herself on the edge surrounded by Lexa’s pieces with nowhere to go.

“You should play with Wells.” Clarke remarks as she starts a new game, defeated by Lexa.

“Wells?” Lexa asks.

“He was my best friend growing up. He’s still in LA. I was planning on meeting him when we arrive. He’s as good as you.”

“I’m sure I’m not that good.” Lexa says, her cheeks pink. Even with 6 months under their belt Lexa is still slow to receive compliments.

“Are you kidding? I’ve never been so thoroughly beaten by a beginner. You’re like a prodigy.”

Lexa shakes her head. “You’re just going easy on me.”

“I’m not I swear.”

When they land in California, Clarke feels euphoric. She hasn’t returned to her home in two years, always coming up with last minute excuses to avoid going back. But now that she’s here she feels happy. It’s still her home in some ways. The sweet salty air even though it’s winter takes her back to her youth. To winter holidays spent with Wells in their backyard. Jake and Abby yelling at them to get back inside before the winter chill gets them. She looks at her girl who’s looking at the tall skyscrapers in awe. Polis is a small town all things considered. It doesn’t really compare to Los Angeles in any way. She knows Lexa has never left Polis, this whole experience stands to shatter her world in many ways.

She finds her mother waving them down after they get their bags. She’s apprehensive at first. Weeks of painting her as the bad guy has rubbed off on her but eventually she goes up and hugs her tightly. She thinks for a second it might be the last time depending on how she takes the news.

“Mom! Hi!” Clarke exclaims.

Abby is momentarily surprised by the onslaught of love Clarke directs her way before easing into the hug.

“Honey! I’m so happy to see you. And Lexa. Hi! How was the flight?” Abby extends her hand towards Lexa who shakes it dutifully.

“Hello Abby. It was good thanks.” Lexa says politely.

She had warned Lexa that their house in LA is as lavish as they come but Lexa is still amazed at the sight. She explores every nook and corner with a childlike fascination. She points to the hanging chandeliers and the numerous rooms, squealing at the jacuzzi and bathtubs and the giant backyard.

“I told you we’re rich.” Clarke mutters under her breath at Lexa.

“Yeah but this is…” Lexa stutters for a second. “This is rich rich. I never knew.”

“I’m not so fond of being rich rich you know that.”

“I know baby. I’m just…amazed.” Lexa adds. She reaches around to grab Clarke by the hips.

“As long as you don’t think I’m some spoiled brat.”

“Maybe a bit of a brat.” Lexa nudges their noses.

Abby interrupts them with a clearing of her throat. Lexa quickly lets go of her and awkwardly rubs the back of her neck.

“Lexa I’ve prepared the guest room for you. If you don’t mind I’ll show it to you.” Abby says.

“I’d rather Lexa stay in my room with me mom.” Clarke says pointedly.

“I know you’re adults but in my house I expect you to follow my rules. Lexa has the guest room.” Abby insists with a hardened tone. It leaves no room for Clarke to disobey.

But this is a new Clarke. A Clarke who is already going against her mother’s wishes. She puts her foot down and says, “Yes exactly we’re adults and we share a room together. I’d hate to sneak around behind your back mom because Lexa and I are staying in the same room.”

Abby purses her lips into a thin line. Lexa however looks like a deer caught in the headlights. Eventually Abby relents, albeit with her teeth on show.

“Fine. Clarke can show you where her room is, Lexa.” Abby turns on her heels and leaves them alone in the living room.

Clarke grins out of victory and extends her hand for Lexa to take.

“Was that necessary? We could have spent a few nights apart.” Lexa says.

“I’m just getting ready for the main course.” Clarke remarks pulling Lexa along to her room.

It’s still as she left it. She has to give props to Abby, none of her possessions have been moved about or removed. Lexa stares at her wall of photos for a moment and Clarke joins her.

“That’s Wells.” She points to a picture of them on her 16th birthday. “And that’s me and Niylah. We dated for a bit.”

Lexa looks at the picture with her crinkled nose. “Hmm. How long did you date?”

“Just for two months. She was my first girl relationship. Then I met Finn.” She points to a group picture. Since their breakup she had taken off their pictures together save for that one group photo.

“He looks like a dick.” Lexa says. If Clarke didn’t know any better she’d say Lexa sounds a bit jealous.

“He was a dick. You know that.”

“Yeah I’m just saying he looks like one too. You could do better.”

“Don’t be jealous. I only have eyes for this one girl.”

“Oh yeah? What’s she like?”

“Beautiful, wickedly smart with the greenest eyes I’ve ever seen. I’m head over heels for her.”

“Yeah? She’s head over heels for this one girl too.”

Clarke kisses Lexa and mumbles, “She better be.”

Making out on her childhood bed with the girl of her dreams gives her much respite. She wonders what it would be like to have dated Lexa in her teens. Prom night wouldn’t have nearly been so miserable if she had this wonderful girl by her side.

“When will you tell your mother?” Lexa says in between kisses.

“Today, tomorrow? I’m not sure. I don’t really want to break it to her on her birthday.”

“Tomorrow then?”

“I guess so.”

…

Dinner is a stiff affair. Abby is still sore about having Lexa sleep in the same room as Clarke. Still she asks some polite questions about Lexa’s courses. So far she doesn’t mention how displeased she is with Lexa’s choices and that’s a relief to Clarke. It’s when Abby brings up her own courses that it begins to tug at Clarke’s heartstrings.

“Third years are always tough Clarke. It’s your second last year before med school. You have to be on top of your game to prepare for it.”

Finally she can't take it anymore. She knows she’s told Lexa she’ll tell the news tomorrow but right now her ears are burning. She can't take her mother’s expectations anymore.

“Mom. I have something to tell you.” Her hands go to Lexa’s thighs and squeezes hard. Lexa stops chewing on her salad and looks to Clarke. She looks surprised but nods regardless. Her own hands go over to cover Clarke’s.

“Oh? What is it Clarke?”

“I’m dropping biology. I’m taking art.” Clarke says nervously.

She watches Abby’s face darken as soon as the words are said. An eerie hush falls over the table as the words settle in.

“You WHAT?” Abby all but screams.

“I never wanted to do medicine mom. Art has always been my passion. And I’ve decided to follow my dreams. I’ve taken a loan that’s been approved. I’m starting next semester as an art student.”

Abby’s lips tremble as soon as the words leave Clarke’s mouth. She looks close to bursting and she grips the dinner table, white knuckled.

“Clarke please tell me you’re joking.” She says lowly.

“I’m not. I don’t care what you say mom. I’m doing this. This is my dream. I’m tired of living life according to your whims. I want to be happy.” Clarke says firmly.

“This is all your doing.” Abby roars, pointing a threatening finger at Lexa.

“Clarke has made this decision on her own but I support her 100%.” Lexa says calmly, unperturbed by Abby’s accusations.

“I’m not supporting this. Do you hear? I refuse to.” Abby turns to Clarke and says firmly.

“Didn’t you hear? I’ve taken a loan. I don’t expect you to pay for it. But I’m doing it. Whether you want it or not.” Clarke stands up abruptly, her chair falling behind her with a loud thud.

Abby follows her daughter, rising from her chair and thumping her fist on the table. “So that’s it!? You’re just gonna throw your life away like that? I raised you to be better than this Clarke. Your father and I sacrificed everything to make sure you had the best. And now to just throw it all away on a hobby!”

“A hobby!? Art is my life. It was what got me through the worst times of my life. I’m not throwing my life away. I’m saving it.” Clarke hopes she sounds resolute because underneath it she is terrified. Her legs feel like jelly and she barely has the strength to bang her fist on the table.

“Saving it? My god you ungrateful infant. After all I’ve done for you-” Abby raises a threatening finger.

“It’s always about you isn’t it mom? I’m not ungrateful. You’re just a narcissist. For once in my life I’m going to do what’s right for me. And you can't take that can you? You just can't take that I’m looking after me for a change instead of trying to please you.”

“How dare you!? Everything I’ve done is for you. All I’ve ever wanted is to provide you the best life has to offer. I never wanted you to know what it’s like growing up poor. There were days in my childhood when we didn’t have enough money for dinner. All I’ve ever done-all I’ve ever done is for you.” Abby puts her hand on her chest and collapses on her chair. She puts her head in her hands, tears streaming from her eyes and her hair is out of its bun, tendrils all over her face. She doesn’t look like the poised chief of surgery anymore.

“Isn’t it better to be happy instead of rich and miserable, mom?” Clarke pleads. She doesn’t want to lose her mom, not like this.

“You can be happy as a doctor Clarke.” Abby looks up tearfully.

“No mom. I wouldn’t be. For the first time in years I have a reason to get out of bed. I’ve never been more excited to study. This is the right path for me I know it. I believe in myself to make it work.” Clarke sits down next to Abby and puts her arms around her. “Please. Can't you see that?”

“No Clarke I’m sorry.” Abby shakes out of Clarke’s arms and rises. “You’ve made your decision, you’ve made that abundantly clear. If you’ll excuse me. I would rather be alone right now.” She walks off to her room without another word leaving a tear stricken Clarke in the dust.

…

Lexa comforts Clarke to the best of her ability. But the damage has been done. She goes to bed still hiccupping and teary. For the first time she has no idea how to fix this situation. Abby is beyond her reach. Still Clarke was there for Lexa when Anya had the accident and she’s gonna do whatever it takes to make things okay.

She slips out a couple of hours after Clarke passes out and makes her way downstairs for some water. Curiously enough the lights are still on in the living room. She heads there only to see Abby, clad in a silk robe sitting on one of the chairs, looking steely eyed.

Her first instinct is to slip away before the woman can spot her. But then she thinks, perhaps she can sway Abby’s mind to favour Clarke. If not well, she looks like she needs someone to dish her anger out on.

“Abby. Are you okay?” she bites her lips and asks.

Abby jumps in surprise and refocuses her eyes to settle on Lexa. She purses her lips at the sight of her.

“What do you think? My daughter just threw her life away. Would anyone be okay?” Abby replies haughtily, flaring her nose and crossing her arms.

Lexa almost rolls her eyes at how dramatic Abby is. She takes a seat on the sofa and mulls her next words carefully.

“I know it’s not my place to say-”

“You’re right. It’s not.”

“-but,” Lexa soldiers on despite the interruption, “I’ve never seen Clarke so at peace with her life. When we met I could tell she hated every minute of studying biology but all she wanted was to please you. Now she’s finally happy about her choices. Shouldn’t you want that for her?”

“She could have achieved happiness as a doctor. No one enjoys studying. But once she built a life for herself she could see how good it can be.”

“With all due respect perhaps you should stop inflicting your own expectations of life on her. Let her be happy on her own. Support her choices. Don’t lose your daughter. Don’t let her grow up without a mother. My own mother walked out on me when I was younger and it was awful. Don’t do to her what mine did to me.” Lexa gets up and looks at Abby one last time. “Good night Abby. I hope you do the right thing.”

She walks away, the echoes of Abby’s tears reverberating in the hallway.

...

In the morning Clarke finds a note from her mother on the kitchen table. Abby has left for work already. She takes the note and reads it carefully.

_Clarke,_

_I can't say I agree with your choices but what’s done is done. It will take me some time to accept your decision but you’re right. I do want you to be happy. It’s what I strive for as a mother. I want to be in your life and if this is the only way then so be it. We will talk once I get back from work. I love you no matter what, I want you to know that._

_Love,_

_Mom._

Clarke runs her fingers through her hair. It’s not much but it’s a good start. Certainly better than yesterday’s debacle. Perhaps there is hope yet for her.

“Hey babe. What’s that?” Lexa’s words jolt her out of her reverie. She wordlessly hands the note to Lexa, watching as she silently goes over it.

“This is a good sign, Clarke.” Lexa says.

“Yeah.” She mumbles.

“Why don’t you sound thrilled about it?”

“I am it’s just-this whole thing has taken a lot of my energy. I should have planned it out better. But yesterday when she kept going on and on about being a doctor I just couldn’t take it anymore.” Clarke sighs.

“It’s alright Clarke. I have a feeling she would have taken it badly no matter how you told her.” Lexa rubs Clarke’s back to soothe her. “But at least now she’s trying.”

“Yeah. I guess that’s all I can hope for.”

“She won't leave you Clarke. She still loves you dearly despite her faults.”

“She does. I didn’t see it before but now… After this note. I’m starting to believe I may have been too harsh on her.”

“I don’t think you were harsh. She is a bit of a narcissist. But her love for you overpowers that.”

Clarke rests her head on Lexa’s stomach and takes up the brunette’s hands in her own. She kisses over her knuckles and on her palm.

“Thank you for coming with me. I would have gone mad if I did this on my own. I love you more than words can say.”

“When will you learn Clarke? I will be with be with you always.” Lexa kisses the top of Clarke’s head.

…

They go to meet Wells in the afternoon. He’s a serious looking fellow and when he looks at Clarke his eyes almost sparkle. He picks her up in his arms and lifts her off her feet. It has Lexa clenching her jaw in jealousy. She doesn’t really know their history but something about his body language suggests he harbours more than friendly feelings towards Clarke.

She wraps a possessive arm around Clarke and extends her hand in greeting.

“Wells, I’d like you to meet Lexa, my girlfriend.” Clarke introduces.

“Hello Wells. It’s a pleasure to meet you.” Lexa smiles politely.

“Girlfriend? I didn’t know you were dating again Clarke.” Wells shakes her hand happily and points to the table beside them. “Come sit. We clearly have so much to catch up on.”

It seems her earlier assessment of Wells’ feelings had been right. It’s not that he’s dismissive of Lexa it’s the opposite he’s supremely nice to her but little comments he makes here and there including his fawning over Clarke clues her in. She’s not threatened, she suspects Wells is too nice to undermine their relationship but she does find herself wrapping her arms around Clarke every chance she gets.

“So Lexa, Clarke barely even talks to me anymore. How did you two meet?” Wells asks, directing his attention to Lexa for once.

“That’s a funny story. My cousin took me to the gym saying he saw a girl there he fell in love with. I remember looking at Clarke and thinking there’s no way I’m letting him have her. Turns out he was keen on one of her friends instead. I was so relieved.” Lexa relays, thinking back to that fateful day she saw Clarke in ill-fitting gym clothes. She remembers how enamoured she became at first sight.

“Yeah except it took you two months to even see me again.” Clarke counters with a snort.

“But you were on my mind the whole time.” Lexa grins. “Promise.”

“Lexa here is what they call a hard worker. She has two jobs and college on top of that.” Clarke turns to look at her girl fondly. “I’m surprised she even has time for me.”

“I will always have time for you.” Lexa murmurs so low only Clarke hears them.

“That’s great!” Wells says though Lexa can pick up a hint of pain in his tone. “I’m glad you found someone after Finn. I always told you, you were too good for him.”

“Me too.” Clarke agrees still not tearing her eyes away from her girl.

…

“Wells likes you.” Lexa says when they arrive back at the Griffin household. Clarke is tipsy and a tipsy Clarke is a horny Clarke. She fumbles with Lexa’s belt buckle, stopping abruptly when Lexa speaks.

“Do you really want to talk about Wells when I’m about to put your dick in my mouth?” Clarke says with a smirk.

Lexa gulps, eyes darkening immediately. She puts her hand on Clarke’s and pushes it away.

“Your mother is home. And there will be no sex while she’s here.”

Clarke pouts. “You’re a prude.”

“Clarke is that you?” Abby’s voice calls out from inside the house.

“I rest my case.” Lexa says smugly. “You should talk to her. I’ll be in your room.”

“Wait.” Clarke pulls Lexa by her hand. “Can't you stay with me? I don’t know what to say to her.”

Lexa just kisses her forehead sweetly. “This should be a conversation you have alone. But if the worst happens I’ll only be a shout away.”

Clarke wants to protest but Lexa’s words strike true and she lets go of her not before depositing a kiss of her own to her cheek. “Okay. You’re right.”

“Clarke there you are. Where have you been?” Abby comes into the hallway, hand on her hips. She looks between the couple with narrowed eyes.

“We went to meet Wells, mom.” Clarke says.

“Good evening Abby. I will just be in our room. I trust you’ll want to speak to Clarke alone.” Lexa bids her farewell and promptly makes her way out.

For a few seconds the room is encapsulated in an icy silence. The Griffin women look at each other tentatively not allowing a moment of give before finally Abby breaks the silence.

“How is Wells? I haven’t seen him in years now.”

“He’s good.”

“That’s good.”

“I got your note. Did you mean what you said?” Clarke asks.

“I did.” Abby takes a pause and points to the kitchen counter. “Come sit first.”

Clarke follows her mother’s lead wordlessly. She settles into a seat on the counter while her mother rummages through the pantry. She comes out with a couple of oranges.

“I’m not hungry.” Clarke says.

“You’re drunk. I’d rather not have a serious discussion with you in this state.”

“I’m not drunk.” Clarke exclaims, affronted by the accusation.

“Oh? Is there another reason why you can't walk a straight line?”

Clarke opens her mouth and closes it again looking more akin to a fish out of water than a human being. “Fine. Maybe I’m a little tipsy.”

“You could never hide anything from me.” Abby says fondly. She peels off the oranges and puts them in a juicer.

“That’s cause you’re a bloodhound when it comes to me.”

“Mothers always know when their children lie Clarke.”

“So in that case can you tell it’s true when I say art is what makes me happy?”

Abby’s grip on the juicer falters and she curses under her breath. “Clarke.” She starts. “I-yes. I can tell you’ve made your mind about art and nothing I say will deter you. And if my acceptance is the only thing I can offer you then I will do so. Even though it will take me a while to fully grasp it.”

Abby turns on the juicer and the noise drowns out what Clarke wants to say. She pours the juice into a glass for Clarke and gives it to her. Clarke takes a sip and gingerly puts it down.

“Sure you don’t have any vodka to mix with this?”

“The aim is to sober you up not get you drunker.”

Clarke purses her lips and takes a large sip. “I know how hard it is for you to accept my choice. And I appreciate you accepting me instead of fighting more.”

“Clarke all I ever wanted is for you to live a life without hardships. Your dad and I were poor growing up and that was the last thing we wanted for you. All my expectations for you was rooted in that belief. The life you’re choosing, it’s not going to be an easy one. You do understand that don’t you?”

“Yes. More than anything. But I’m still choosing it. Life should be more than just surviving. Life should be about living it to your fullest.”

“You could have been living it to your fullest as a doctor.” Abby mutters.

“If I loved it, sure. But I’ve given it a shot and found it was not for me.”

“I understand. It’s hard for me but I’ve given it a thought last night and if this is the only way to remain in your life then so be it.”

“I will always want you in my life. No matter what.” Clarke gets off her seat and engulfs her mother in a bone crushing hug. Abby sniffles in response and her arms go around Clarke.

“I believe I owe your girlfriend an apology too. In regards to how I acted about her choosing to become a cop.”

“She understands why you acted that way.”

“Nevertheless I owe her one. Take good care of her. She’s one of the good ones.”

Clarke pulls back, blue eyes sparkling with unshed tears of happiness. “I will.”

…

For her birthday Abby treats them to a lavish restaurant and blows away Clarke’s insistence that they treat her instead of the other way around. She finally relents to Clarke treating her to ice cream afterwards even though she had never had much of a sweet tooth.

Clarke spends most of her time stealing glances at her girl. She has foregone the usual jeans and button up to a dress. It’s tight around her bust and hips and it has Clarke salivating. The no sex rule imposed by Lexa is wreaking havoc in her mind. And if she weren’t so keenly attuned to all things Lexa she’d say she is unaffected. But Clarke catches her heated gazes at every interval. The clenching of her jaw and the tightening of her grip on her wine glass. Every time green eyes roam over the expanse of her body, lingering she notes with some pride on her chest, her arousal returns tenfold. Only Lexa she realizes has the ability to make her feel like the sexiest woman in the room.

If Abby is privy to the eye fucking going on, on her birthday dinner no less, she doesn’t give anything away.

“Lexa. I wanted to apologize for my behaviour they day we first met. You told me you wanted to join the police and I acted horribly. Truth is I find it hard when things do not go the way I envisioned. I expected Clarke to be a doctor and get married to someone who shared a similar background. But things rarely go the way I want. And I’m only just starting to accept that this is the way it has to be. So forgive me please.” Abby says earnestly.

“Oh Abby please. It’s fine. I understand where you were coming from. No harm done. But I am glad to have your approval.” Lexa says.

“Thank you. And you do. Anything you two ever need don’t be scared to ring me up and ask me.”

“We will.” Clarke says, raising her glass of red wine. “A toast to you mom. Happy 53rd birthday. May you have many more.”

Abby and Lexa raise their glasses to the toast.

“And to you, Clarke. To new beginnings.”

“To new beginnings.” Lexa murmurs looking at Clarke fondly.

…

When they reach back home it’s a mad race to get their clothes off. Whatever reservations Lexa had about fucking in the house with her mom around the corner has seemingly been melted off, replaced by a need to conquer and _fuck._

“We have to be quiet.” Lexa says in between kisses.

“Aye aye commander.” Clarke says with an impish grin.

Lexa’s grip on her bra fumbles at the reference of her childhood nickname. Clarke just laughs despite the heat of the moment, blonde hair cascading around her neck. Lexa takes revenge by latching onto pale skin and sucking and before long Clarke’s laugh turns into a moan. Lexa pushes Clarke and they topple onto her bed.

Lexa takes her time relearning Clarke’s curves after their self-imposed no sex rule. Clarke is pliant in her arms, content to let Lexa take her time. Before long Lexa’s slow devotion of her body leaves her a shuddering mess. She can't help it; she moans loudly.

Lexa detaches from her nipple and fixes Clarke with a harsh look.

“We have to be quiet.” She repeats. “Your mom will hear.”

“Her room is at the end of the hallway now get to work.” Clarke hisses.

“Bossy.” Lexa chides but returns her attention to Clarke’s breast. She palms her erection with the other hand. She continues her worship of Clarke’s body, inching downwards until she finds the prize. Clarke is wet, dripping onto the bed. She licks up the length of her while she inserts a finger inside. Clarke’s walls are greedy and it takes the second and third finger with no resistance. It only takes a few swipes of her tongue on her clit and a couple of thrusts before Clarke tumbles off the edge.

Her body flies off the bed and she gasps loudly. She comes with a shuddering shout and settles back on the bed. Lexa watches the rise and fall of her chest as she lazily pumps her shaft.

“Ready for more?” Lexa husks. Her arousal is bordering on painful at this point and she needs to come, either in Clarke’s mouth or her cunt.

“Yes.” Clarke breathes. “Fuck me baby.”

Lexa scrambles up and lines up her cock and enters in one fluid motion. Clarke is so wet and warm that Lexa has to pause to gather her bearings. She almost comes when Clarke’s walls clench around her. She begins thrusting slowly at first before picking up speed. The sound of flesh clapping and needy moans fill the room. Lexa pounds away like a jackhammer and her balls tighten.

“Clarke I'm gonna come.”

“Together.”

Lexa slows her thrusts somewhat and slithers her hand in between them to rub at Clarke’s clit.

“Fuck!” They both shout hoarsely and come almost simultaneously. Lexa spills so much cum inside, probably the most she’s ever done on hormones that they both gasp at the feeling. She jogs her hips, emptying the last spurts and tucks her head into Clarke’s neck. She licks the sweat on her skin before kissing it.

“I love you.” Lexa pants. “So much.”

“Love you more.” Clarke grins.

Lexa takes herself out of Clarke and collapses next to her. Her heart is still beating madly.

“I can't believe we’re leaving tomorrow. Do you feel happy with the trip?”

Clarke trails her fingers over Lexa’s stomach as she ponders her answer. They come to a rest between the swells of her breasts.

“Honestly? Yeah. I knew getting my mom on board was going to be tough. But she’s taken it better than I hoped. I feel ready Lex. Ready for the new semester. Ready for this new chapter.” Clarke says.

“Look at us. Six months ago we were both just doing the bare minimum to survive. Now here we are, living our best life. I couldn’t have gotten this far without your support.”

Clarke nuzzles her nose against Lexa’s neck. “Nor I without you. I told my mom life should be about more than surviving. I don’t think I’d have realized that without you pushing me. You saw something in me and made me pursue it.”

“You know what? I think we’re just perfect for each other.”

“Perfect. I like the sound of that.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And thus ends Clarke's arc. Now we're onto the final chapters. Nia is not going to be as good as Abby. As always thank you for the kind words and kudos. I love you all.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for transphobic language.

When they fly back to Polis they barely have time to catch their breath. The new semester starts and homework starts piling up yet again. Lexa can see how eager Clarke is to tackle the ever growing pile for the first time. As for herself, she finishes her assignments in between work shifts and after midnight when she should be sleeping.

Sundays she dedicates to family and Clarke. Breakfasts is reserved for Clarke, lunch and afternoons are for Titus and Aden while dinner is usually either with friends or Indra and Gustus. The latter is always with Clarke.

The first month of university goes by quickly and without a hitch. That is until lunch with Titus.

He had arrived without Aden in tow and seemed uncharacteristically quiet.

“Alright I’ll bite. What’s wrong?” Lexa asks after the second time her ramblings went unanswered.

“Nothing!” Titus says too quickly before slumping slightly at Lexa’s raised eyebrow. “I wanted to talk to you about something serious.”

“Go on.” Lexa says gulping. Already mentally preparing herself at having Aden privileges taken away courtesy of Nia.

“I wanted to invite you for dinner. In our house.” Titus says solemnly.

“Dinner…In your house….With Nia?” Lexa furrows her brows and looks down at her bowl of soup. She feels her heart thumping in her ears.

“I want us to be a family again. I want Nia to see the woman you’ve become.”

“Nia didn’t want to see me as a woman when Anya was in the hospital. What makes now any different?” Lexa looks up at him.

“A lot of things have changed since then. We’ve become half a family again.” Titus says softly. “I just want us to be whole again.”

“No the thing is, that night when you kicked me out it was mostly Nia’s doing. You stood by and watched sure but Nia did the heavy lifting. So I was more inclined to forgive you. Nia on the other hand, I have no wish to reconnect with.”

“She wants to see you. Wants to see who Aden has been foaming at the mouth over.” Titus says. “I believe she is being sincere.”

“And if she’s not?”

“I will handle her then. I won't have you be disrespected. Not again.”

Lexa looks at the fire in his eyes as he speaks and she finds herself believing him. Still, his ask is too great to be decided over one simple meal. He is asking her to go face to face with the dragon. The very reason her life was uprooted before it really even began. The very reason she is still haunted by nightmares. This requires thought and planning.

“I cannot give you an answer now. I need to think about it. I will let you know soon.”

Titus sighs but nods nonetheless.

…

Titus’ request sits with Lexa for the rest of the afternoon. With no Aden to teach soccer to, she has some time to herself. She goes to a bar nursing a peg of whiskey instead of her usual stout. She takes a walk along the docks. She even takes a drive to Nia and Titus’ home to get an idea of what’s to come.

But even still the storm wages inside her. It tears apart everything sane in her and leaves her a mess in its wake. With no safe harbour to hide in she drives up to Clarke’s apartment.

She is quieter than usual and she knows Clarke can tell something is going on but Lexa doesn’t say anything. Not yet. She wants to tell it to her family at dinner tonight. She doesn’t think she has the strength to have this conversation twice.

Before walking into Indra and Gustus’ home, Clarke puts a hand on hers and forces her to look up into glimmering blue eyes.

“Are you okay Lex?”

“I’m- I’ll tell you everything at dinner. I promise.” Lexa kisses her knuckles for good measure and she sees Clarke melt.

Finally at dinner, once all the plates have been cleared and it’s just Lexa surrounded by her loved ones, she relays the conversation she had with Titus.

The table falls into silence, each person mulling over the words. Anya in true Anya fashion breaks the silence first.

“Absolutely not.” She exclaims. “Lexa this woman kicked you to the curb. She beat you. Her whole life’s mission was to make your life a nightmare. That bitch doesn’t deserve a second chance.”

“Now hold on here.” Gustus pipes up. “Lexa wanted us to have a civil discussion to help make her decision. And that’s what we’re gonna do. So we’ll start off with her first. How do you feel about seeing Nia again?”

“Honestly? Everything Anya said is what’s holding me back. Titus was different. His hand in kicking me out wasn’t as great as Nia’s. And he actually sought me out to make a change. Nia hasn’t contacted me once.” Lexa laments.

“So you think this is more Titus’ attempts at getting the family back together than Nia wanting to do it off her own accord?” Gustus concludes.

“More or less yeah. I don’t see her wanting a relationship with me.”

“At the hospital when you guys met she was less than hospitable.” Lincoln says.

Anya’s eyes flash dangerously at that. She’s the only one not privy to the less than ideal family reunion.

“She said I’ll always be Alexander no matter how hard I try.” Lexa supplies the information to her sister.

“Yeah there’s no way you should see her.” Anya grumbles. The table devolves into hushed whispers at that.

“If I may,” Indra begins and everyone immediately falls silent. “Perhaps hearing about Titus and Aden’s meetings with you has changed her mind.”

“According to Titus she wants to see who Aden’s been foaming at the mouth over.” Lexa nods.

“If that is the case maybe she will not be so inhospitable.”

“But that could just be Titus saying that to get Lexa to come.” Lincoln says.

“Maybe so but also she has known about the three of you meeting for a couple of months now and she has not forbidden it. So on some level she must be somewhat okay with a family reunion.”

Lexa hums deep in thought. She had not considered that. Nia did voluntarily let her meet with Aden. No matter how much of a spine Titus has grown, such a big decision had to have been run by her.

“That is true.” Lexa says.

“You can't seriously be considering seeing her?” Anya nearly shouts.

“Mom brings up a good point. I hadn’t realized it before. So I’m just considering it.”

“Yes but-”

“Anya I know you’re her older sister and you have always fought for her but look at it objectively.” Indra chastises.

“I just-” Anya’s voice cracks for a moment. “I just don’t want to see Lexa get hurt again. It took years to get over Nia’s trauma. Even now you’re still not completely over yet.”

“Maybe this will give you the closure you need then, Lex.” Clarke finally says. She’d been uncharacteristically quiet throughout this time, with the gears in her head shifting. “Cause Anya’s right you’re not over what happened. Everything Nia did to you from birth up until that night. It eats away at you. If she has truly changed then good but if she hasn’t and she disrespects you, then you finally have a chance give her a piece of your mind.”

“You really think I’ll be able to give her a piece of my mind?”

“You’re the bravest person I know.”

“I agree with Clarke.” Lincoln says.

“Me too.” Gustus and Indra agrees at once.

Anya crosses her arms over her chest and burrows into her seat further when everyone looks at her expectantly. “Fine. But if she does turn out to be a bitch I say we egg her house.”

“Deal.” Lexa laughs. “So that’s it then? I’m going to see Nia again?”

“Final decision is yours to make. But we all agree that it’s a good idea for getting the closure you need.” Gustus reaches over to clasp his hand on her shoulder.

“No I think you all are right. I do need closure. And this is the best way to do it.”

…

Despite reaching a consensus at dinner, Clarke can see the agitation within Lexa still. She fidgets in the car. Doesn’t even take a sip of her favourite stout when Clarke pops one open for her when they’re back at Clarke’s place.

“You can still say no you know. Just because we all agreed doesn’t mean you have to do it.” Clarke soothes, hoping it’ll alleviate some of Lexa’s tension.

“No it’s not that. I will go. But I’m just thinking how much it’ll mess with my head if she turns out to be accepting.”

At Clarke’s quizzical look, Lexa continues, “I mean I’ll be happy sure. But you know all my life she’s been this horrible mother. If she’s good what does that mean for all those years of pain?”

“You’re saying will it negate all the hurt she did to you in the past?”

“Yeah more or less.”

“Lexa it took you so long to forgive Titus, even now you’ve still not completely forgiven him yet. If Nia turns out to be accepting the same will apply. And it’ll take longer for her. All those years of pain will take years to heal. She has some serious work to do if she wants it. She can't expect one dinner to make up for it.”

“Yeah you’re right. I just never thought I’d be in this position. I never imagined I’d get the chance to have my birth family again.” Lexa sighs, leaning back on the couch and staring the ceiling. She feels a dip next to her and Clarke’s arms wrapping around her shoulders. “I don’t know how to deal with it.”

“You’ve been doing fine baby. No one knows how to navigate through something as big as this. But look you’ve got Titus back. Your brother. And now maybe Nia. You’ve got a second chance.”

“Can you come with me?” Lexa blurts out. “It’s just. I don’t know if I’ll be strong enough if things don’t work out. If I have you by my side maybe I can-maybe I’ll have the strength.”

“I think you will be strong enough. But yes I’ll come with you if it helps.”

Lexa smiles shyly and leans in for a chaste kiss.

“I’ll call Titus.” Lexa says as they part.

…

Convincing Titus to let Clarke come turns out to be surprisingly easy. In fact it doesn’t take convincing at all. He just agrees right off the cuff. What should be suspicious doesn’t alarm Lexa at all. She’s too happy at the news. They settle on next week and that gives enough time for Lexa to prepare mentally.

She scours trans forums she would frequent before getting on E for help on the matter. The advice she receives helps her somewhat. But mostly she decides to just wing it and hope Clarke’s presence will give her the push she needs if things go awry.

With the dinner fast approaching she finds she cannot focus on other matters. She’s been found slacking on more than one occasion at work and caught her boss’ ire. Even in university her mind drifts away and she spends more time behind in lectures than staying on track.

Clarke understands why she’s so aloof and bless her heart she doesn’t push or prod. She’s content with having a faraway girlfriend for the time being. Lexa finds herself falling more in love each day. Her parents were never overly affectionate nor did they have the perfect chemistry together. Lexa grew up not really knowing what love was. But along came Gustus and Indra and with them she found herself understanding more and more each day. The moment things finally clicked was when Clarke burst into her life. Love was a whole lot of work sure but like a flower when it blossoms it takes your breath away. She has watered it every day even on the days when Clarke is too irritable to hold a conversation with or the days she forgets to turn the stove off and now she reaps the rewards of her labour.

With Clarke’s hand in hers and her love beating out of her chest, Lexa raises her hand to knock on her childhood home.

“Wait.” Clarke interrupts her.

Lexa turns to look at her curiously. Clarke doesn’t respond in words she surges up on her tiptoes and closes the distance between them. It’s not an innocent peck either. Her tongue slithers in and Lexa moans softly. It’s the kind of fiery passionate kiss that warms her bones and makes her hands itch for more. It’s the kind of kiss that threatens to undo her tuck. But Lexa’s feeling a little needy and she allows it. Allows the hand that grips her ass and the other one that fists her dress. Finally when the need for oxygen becomes too great, they part ways.

Lexa’s eyes are closed and there’s a dopey lovesick smile on her face.

“Not that I’m complaining but what was that about?” she asks.

“Just for being you. I’m so proud of you. No matter what happens tonight I will be with you. I’ll always love you.” Clarke takes Lexa’s hand and squeezes.

“I will always love you too.” Lexa brings up their entwined hands to her lips and brushes a kiss. “Now are we ready?”

“Yeah.”

Lexa takes a moment to smooth out the creases on her dress. She had opted for the girliest dress she owns. It’s a little entry level test designed for Nia. She wants to see how she will react to her darling “boy” turning up in a flowery dress with cleavage on show. That and she looks damn good in it.

She knocks.

They hear muffled voices on the other end and a beat passes. Someone raises their voice and they hear shuffling. Finally the door opens to reveal Titus. Nia is waiting a couple of steps behind him with a clenched jaw. She can see her eyes bulging out at the state of Lexa’s attire. But she schools her expression as quickly as it came.

“Lexa. Welcome.” Titus bows his head slightly and opens the door further. “Welcome Clarke. Please come in.”

“Thank you.” Lexa says warmly to Titus.

When they enter the house, Lexa’s breath catches in her throat. It’s almost as she left it. The coat rack by the door, the burn on the hallway carpet, the same dilapidated stairs that creaked too loudly, the same cheap paintings on the wall. Even the smell of it; kind of musty but masked with incense, is the same. The last time she was here her world turned on its head. It takes her back to that fateful day; her cowering in the corner, stolen makeup smudged with tear tracks on her face, Nia’s foot lodged in her stomach, broken shards of glass beneath her feet. It must show on her face because the next thing she knows, Clarke hand is in hers squeezing tightly. Even Titus understands; he puts a hand on her shoulder.

“Nia.” Lexa greets but not unkindly. It’s hesitant.

“Lexa.” Nia returns with gritted teeth.

Hearing her name, her true name coming out of Nia’s mouth surprises her. And she thinks perhaps things are going to be alright after all.

“This is my girlfriend Clarke.” Lexa introduces gesturing to her girl.

“Yes I am aware.” Nia says.

Before Lexa can reply they hear the sounds of stomping feet upstairs. Aden whizzes down the stairs with his wild mop of blonde hair flying in the air and an ear splitting smile on his face.

“Lexa!” he shouts. He barrels into her, putting his short arms around her and hugging tightly.

“Aden! My main man.” Lexa grins, hugging him back. “Aden I’d like you to meet my girlfriend-”

Nia coughs loudly at that but Lexa decides to ignore it.

“-my girlfriend Clarke. The one I was telling you about.”

Aden peers up at Clarke, furrowing his brows, trying to get a handle on his sister’s girlfriend.

“Hi.” He mumbles shyly.

“Hey there Aden. I’ve heard a lot about you. I heard you’re almost as good as Mo Salah.” Clarke grins, buckling down to meet his gaze.

Aden smiles bashfully. “Lexa really said that?”

“Cross my heart.” Clarke says seriously.

“Liverpool is my favourite team.”

“Ours too.”

“Really? Who’s your favourite-”

“Aden. Not now.” Nia sneers at him and he shuts up immediately. “We have adult things to talk about.”

Lexa’s heart breaks for her brother. Her mother’s propensity for squashing childish enthusiasm is still as strong as ever. And that is her first clue that things are about to turn south. Nia might have called her by her name but there’s something about the look in her eyes, the way she’s carrying herself; clenched jaw, arms by her side and the crease on her forehead that clues her in.

“Run along to your room.” Nia says.

Titus doesn’t say anything and Lexa feels a rage within her at his indifference towards Nia’s behaviour.

Aden hangs his head low and shuffles back up the stairs to his room leaving the adults in an icy silence.

“Come. Dinner’s waiting on the table.” Titus says leading them further inside.

“Isn’t Aden going to eat with us?” Lexa asks.

“He has already eaten.” Nia replies curtly.

Dinner is a bit of a tense affair. Titus is perfectly civil and conversation between the three of them flows easily. The problem is Nia, sitting at the head of the table, glaring at the two of them. Her teeth are gritted together so tightly that Lexa wonders if she can even unhinge it to feed herself.

Lexa notices that every time someone mentions her name, Nia’s clenches her fist on the table. Being an expert in body language, especially Nia’s body language (after years of honing it) Lexa knows. Nia’s about to blow.

She tunes back into Titus and Clarke’s conversation, keeping a close eye on her birth mother.

“-ever since Lexa came back into our lives, Aden can't stop speaking about her. He’s always wanted a big sister. Now he has one. That’s why Nia was so eager to see you again. We want to see the woman you’ve become. As a family. Isn’t that right, Nia?” Titus looks at his wife with eager eyes.

Nia’s glare is fixed on her plate. She holds a fork in her clenched fist and her brow is twitching.

Lexa mentally readies herself for the proverbial shit to hit the fan.

“You will never be a woman.” She whispers into the sudden deathly quiet silence.

Clarke’s hand immediately goes for Lexa’s. She squeezes gently, hoping it’ll give her the strength to deal with this.

“Nia-” Titus starts.

“No! I can't take this! I’ve tried for you Titus. But I cannot have _it_ sitting there dressed like that!” Nia rises up, her chair falling with a loud crash behind her. She glares daggers at Lexa. “You are an abomination. You can put on all the makeup you want but you will never be-”

What words would cut Lexa to the bone with hurt, doesn’t. Once upon a time it would have rendered her inconsolable. Leave her a stuttering mess with burning ears and shaking hands. Today it doesn’t. Today she rises from her seat and raises a threatening finger at Nia. She feels strong, unshakeable. But before she can interrupt Nia, Titus takes the stage.

“Enough!” he shouts.

In all her life she has never known her father to raise his voice like that. Even on the day they kicked her out he was silent, content in watching Nia wage a path of destruction. It takes the words right out of her mouth.

“I lost my daughter once because of you. I let it happen because I was weak. Not anymore. Not now. I will do what I should have done years ago and take her side. I will not let you disrespect her anymore. It was too much to ask for you to change your ways. I know this now. A snake will always remain a snake.” Titus screams.

Nia stares at him with her mouth gaping.

“I’m picking a side. And it’s Lexa’s. Either deal with that or leave my life forever.”

“You will pick _it_ over me?”

“I will. I am. And it’s her not _it._ ”

“I will destroy you in court! I will leave you penniless-”

“Actually I’m sure the judge will be interested in hearing your abuse of Lexa. You are not fit to raise Aden.” Clarke interrupts with a sickly sweet smile.

Lexa ducks her head to hide hers. She’s still too stunned, too overwhelmed by this outpouring of support.

“You were always weak.” Nia snarls at Titus. “I should have left you long ago.”

“Good. Then leave.” Titus gestures to the door. “You can get your stuff in the morning. I am entertaining my daughter.”

Nia doesn’t reply, she fumbles with the wedding ring on her finger, struggling to get it off. When she finally succeeds she throws it at Titus’ chest.

“You’re all going to hell. And you Alexander you’ll be the first one there.”

“Great, I’ll see you there you cunt.” Lexa says coolly.

In her rage, Nia steps closer and raises a hand. Lexa sees it happening in slow motion. In her youth a couple of slaps here and there were a common sight. But Lexa’s not the weak terrified girl she once was. Nia cannot strike fear into her heart anymore. In fact she looks so small, so defeated it’s a wonder how she even managed to be intimidating once upon a time.

Lexa catches Nia’s hand in mid-air and grips it so tight she can tell a bruise is forming.

“You don’t hit me anymore.” Lexa says, her tone icy. “Get out.” She lets go of her hand and smiles at the red handprint on Nia’s arm.

Nia scampers away, head hung low with her tail between her legs. The three of them remain standing, watching the door waiting for when Nia comes back guns blazing yet again. When they hear the main door shut with a resounding thud they all breathe a sigh of relief.

Lexa turns to face her father, and it’s the first time in 5 years she has truly thought of him in that way. He looks haggard, even in his crisp white shirt. There’s unshed tears sparkling in his eyes. She crosses the threshold first and envelops him in a tight hug.

“We still have a long way to go. But I love you dad.” She whispers in his ears.

Titus hiccups in her arms and wraps his own around her.

“I love you too, Lexa.”

…

_3 months later_

“Pass the ball Aden!” Clarke shouts at him. She can hear Lexa running towards her in the back.

Aden complies, passing the ball and it falls to Clarke’s feet. She cuts across as soon as she receives it, sidestepping Lexa’s tackle with ease. She shoots into the make post goalpost and scores. Aden jumps in joy and runs over for a hi-five.

Lexa however stands behind them completely stunned by Clarke’s skill. She wipes the sweat off her brow and shakes her head.

“Struggling a bit there huh Commander?” Clarke teases while ruffling Aden’s hair.

“The Commander doesn’t struggle.” Lexa says haughtily. “If you haven’t noticed I’m still ahead by 5 goals.”

“For now.”

“Kids! Dinner’s ready!” Titus shouts from across the camp.

The Woods family and Clarke had gone camping in the woods on the weekend. It’s their first real outing as a family now that the divorce has been finalized and Titus has won custody of Aden. It wasn’t as lengthy or drawn out as Nia hoped. Once Lexa’s testimony was heard the decision was never in question. In fact the judge even had a few choice words for Nia.

“Can it wait a bit dad?” Aden pouts. “We were about to win.”

Lexa snorts.

“The fish will go cold.” Titus warns.

Titus was not as into the camping trip as the rest of them. In fact he spent much of the ride there grumbling about lack of plumbing and a cosy bed. He had shut up however when he saw the smiles on his children’s faces once the tents had gone up. He even volunteered to go fish while they play soccer.

“How bout this? Sudden death. Whoever scores next wins. The loser has to cook breakfast.”

Even Titus perks up at that offer. He makes his way over, crossing the camping stovetop. He leans by a tree and watches them with bated breath.

“Deal.” Aden and Clarke chime in at once.

“How about a little bet of our own?” Clarke whispers while they take their positions.

“Oh?” Lexa grins. “What do you have in mind?”

“Loser has to do whatever the winner wants.”

Lexa looks at her, battle hardened and smirks.

“Hope you’re ready then.”

With their game face on they kick off the ball. It falls at Lexa’s feet first and she does a Cruyff turn when Aden comes at her. She dribbles across the woods keeping an eye on Aden’s approaching figure. Unfortunately this leaves her open for Clarke who tackles her. A proper soccer tackle. The one Lexa painstakingly taught so long ago. The ball falls at Aden’s feet who takes off running. With Lexa indisposed, her goal is left free and Aden scores. Clarke runs over to him and picks him up. Titus cheers for them from his spot.

Lexa rolls around on the mud, wondering how Polis high school’s best player managed to get beaten by two amateurs. Perhaps E has sapped more of her skills than she thought. Clarke’s smirking face peers down at her.

“You better save your energy Lex.” Clarke winks. “I’m going to be collecting that bet tonight.”

Lexa just groans.

Titus’ fish, caught in the afternoon by them is cooked to perfection. It needs a few spices but the meat still melts in their mouths. They eat ravenously, having run ragged all day. By the time they polish the food the sun sets. They sit on the tree stumps, twisting and turning at having eaten so much.

“Hope you guys enjoyed that. Cause I’m a terrible cook. Breakfast will be awful.” Lexa says.

“I’ll help you!” Aden chirps.

“You don’t have to, little man. You won fair and square.”

“I know. But I still want to.”

“Alright then. Maybe breakfast will be saved then.” Lexa grins.

…

“Clarke. We shouldn’t. They’re sleeping in the next tent.” Lexa swats away Clarke’s hand from her ass.

“We just have to be extra quiet then.” Clarke shrugs latching onto Lexa’s pulse point.

Lexa whimpers.

“I hope you can keep quiet Lex. Cause I plan on ravishing you.” Clarke punctuates by cupping Lexa’s erection and squeezing gently.

“What-” Lexa panted. “What’re you planning on doing?”

“You’ll just have to find out.”

They settle on Lexa’s sleeping bag with Clarke on top. Clarke has already discarded Lexa’s top and bra leaving her half naked. Clarke takes a straining nipple in her mouth, pulling with her teeth and then sucking. She leaves a mark on the side of her breast. Lexa takes her fist in her mouth and bites it to muffle her moans.

“Your tits are so perfect Lex. I know sometimes you want top surgery but they’re already perfect.”

“Yeah?” Lexa’s eyes glisten.

“Of course if you want it, I’m all for it.”

“No I-I don’t think I will. It’s all going towards bottom surgery.”

“Okay.” Clarke chuckles. “We’re such saps. We can't even dirty talk right.”

Lexa laughs lowly. “It’s what I love about us.”

“Okay but your tits.” Clarke begins, furrowing her brows and trying get back on track. “They fit in my hand so perfectly. And there’s a spot right here-” Clarke brushes her teeth against the underside of Lexa’s breast, “-it always makes you shiver.”

On cue Lexa shivers and husks out a moan.

“And your stomach. I love grinding on it. It’s so tight. And fit.” Clarke discards her shorts and underwear. She settles on her stomach and grinds once. Lexa gasps at the wetness that coats her stomach. Clarke grinds a couple more times before getting off and tearing off her shirt and bra. Lexa groans at the sight of Clarke’s breasts spilling out with a bounce. Almost subconsciously her hands reach out to cup it but Clarke pushes it away.

“Later. This is about you.”

Clarke pulls down Lexa’s shorts and underwear. She holds her length in one hand and licks a broad stripe.

“Fuck.” Lexa breathes.

“We’re getting to that.” Clarke smirks. She takes the head in her mouth and hollows out her cheeks. Slowly she takes more into her mouth until it reaches the back of her throat. She bobs her head in earnest, taking the whole of Lexa with practiced ease. When Lexa’s hand finds purchase in her hair and she moans however, Clarke abruptly let’s go.

Lexa almost screams when instead of warm wet silk she’s left in the cold. She looks at Clarke angrily.

“What are you doing?”

“You know what my favourite thing about you is?” Clarke asks instead of answering. “It’s watching you come. You break down in layers. First you’re quiet. Then you do these quiet moans like it’s not affecting you as much. But when you start whimpering I know. I know how much it means. The big bad Commander: a whimpering mess. No one knows. No one but me.”

“So watch me come. Let me come.” Lexa pleads.

“I will but we’ll have to get there first.”

“I am already there.”

“Not yet. Just wait. If it gets too much just say red okay?”

Lexa huffs but nods.

And so Clarke begins anew. She descends on Lexa and takes her in her mouth. And every time Lexa starts whimpering she stops. She does it thrice and before long Lexa is a trembling sweaty mess. She writhes on the bed and she’s forgotten to keep quiet. In fact she’s suddenly so loud Clarke is sure Titus can hear them.

“Clarke please.” Lexa begs breathlessly. “I can't take it anymore.”

“I don’t know if you’re ready.”

“I am. I swear it.”

“Beg.”

“What?”

“Beg me to let you come. And I’ll consider it.”

“Clarke please let me come. I’ll do anything.”

“You’re already doing anything I ask for. Try again.”

“I’ll eat you out every day. I’ll fuck you however you want it. Please just touch me. I need you. Only you can make me like this. Please let me come.” Lexa babbles uncontrollably.

“Okay. But you’re not getting my mouth.”

“I-no. What?”

“You’re getting my pussy. But keep your hands above your head. You touch me, I stop.”

Lexa nods furiously.

Satisfied with that, Clarke climbs up and sinks down on Lexa’s poor member. She’s so wet from edging Lexa she takes it all in one go easily. She feels so needy it’s like she’s been edging herself. She bounces on Lexa watching the way greedy eyes latch onto her breasts. She pulls up her own hand and tweaks her nipples.

“Bet you wish it was your hand doing this.” Clarke pants.

“Yes.”

“What would you do?”

“I’d squeeze them. Suck on your nipples. Pull on them. Give you that bit of pain before soothing it with my tongue.”

“Mm. I’m close.”

“Me too.”

“Together.”

They come at the same time, shouting hoarse obscenities into the night sky. Lexa feels like she’s flying. She’s never had such a strong orgasm before. She closes her eyes as she spills inside Clarke. She sees blinding lights flashing and her ears burn. Clarke collapses on top of her, their breasts smushed together. They’re both breathless and their bones feel like jelly. Lexa feels warm, still inside Clarke. She feels their mingled fluids seeping out and coating her thighs.

“Fuck me.” Lexa breathes.

“Just did.”

“What is it with you and shitty sex jokes?”

Clarke giggles. “You bring it out in me.”

“But Clarke that was…”

“Good?”

“Fucking amazing. I don’t think I can walk.”

Clarke puffs out her chest in pride.

“Where’d you come up with that edging stuff?” Lexa asks curiously.

“Raven said her and Anya tried it and it was good. Guess I got curious.”

Lexa scrunches her face in distaste upon hearing about her sister’s sex life.

“Maybe we could do it again sometime.” She says. “This time I get to do it to you.”

Clarke’s eyes darken at that and she squeezes subconsciously eliciting a groan from Lexa.

“I wouldn’t be opposed to that.”

…

Lexa and Aden sit around the stove, slowly, groggily making their breakfast. Aden who’s usually a ball of energy is more subdued for once. Lexa can tell he’s regretting requesting to help her so she delegates him to handing her bread to toast on the saucepan.

It’s early morning still. Titus and Clarke are still sleeping. The only ones up beside them are the birds. Sunlight pours in in between the trees and the resulting warmth is much appreciated. It’s kind of chilly this early in the morning.

“Lexa?” Aden yawns.

“Hmm?”

“Are you gonna marry Clarke?”

Lexa almost drops the saucepan at the question. She clears her throat and ponders the question.

“We’re still young. It’s a long ways off.”

“But someday?”

“If we’re still together then yes. I guess I will.”

“Good. I like her. She doesn’t treat me like a kid.”

“You are a kid.”

Aden rolls his eyes. “I’m a big man now.”

“Alright big man. That’s what I’ll call you from now on.”

Aden grins.

“What about you? You have any girls you like? Or boys?” Lexa asks.

“There’s a girl, Sarah. She doesn’t like me though. She barely even talks to me.”

“Girls like confidence. Don’t be afraid to approach her. Be nice, talk to her. Do it right, don’t be too an ass and you’ll have a chance.” Lexa advises.

“Is that how you got Clarke? By being confident?”

“Somewhat. I asked her out. It took a lot of confidence for me to do that. Thankfully she liked me. It was a no brainer.”

Lexa turns to looks at Aden. His sleep is mostly gone. Now he’s just hanging onto her every word. She feels a warmth fluttering inside at how devoted he is to her. A year ago she’d have never thought she’d be here. Reunited with her brother and father. Having personally delivered the killing blow to her tormentor, Nia. And her girl. Her girl who changed everything for the better. Gave her the confidence to step out of her shell and take what she is owed. Too long she spent hiding away, terrified of daylight. But with Clarke’s guiding hand she stepped out, soaked it in and emerged a phoenix from the ashes.

The woman in question saunters out of their tent in short shorts and a ratty top. Lexa smiles involuntarily at the sight. Even with 10 months under their belt, her heart still soars at the sight of her. And she hopes that’ll never change.

Clarke sits next to Lexa on the too small tree trunk. Lexa tries to scoot over more to give her space but Clarke holds her arm tight. She rests her head on Lexa’s shoulder.

“Morning.” Clarke greets. Her voice is still husky from sleep and it sends a jolt to Lexa’s core. She thinks of last night and blushes.

“Morning beautiful.” Lexa says. “Hey Clarke?”

“Yeah?”

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Lexa thinks someday she’s gonna marry this girl.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And thus ends the main story. Nia's a bitch but we all knew that. But at least Lexa got Titus and Aden back. I'll be posting an epilogue within this week most probably. As always thank you for the comments, kudos, bookmarks and your interest in this story.


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